Correspondence Between Hetalians
by Geirdriful
Summary: Crudely humorous correspondence between Hetalians: Where the scones die. Reviews greatly appreciated. Part 43: SEALAND AND THE BEAUTIFUL WORLD.
1. Part 1

**CORRESPONDENCE BETWEEN HETALIANS**

* * *

**"All nations want peace, but they want a peace that suits them."**

- Admiral Sir John Fisher

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland

From: Alfred F. Jones

HELLO ENGLAND!  
I DESIGNED A NEW PLANE TO SHOOT DOWN STUPID ENGLISHMEN WITH!  
SEE ATTACHED!

-AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones

From: Arthur Kirkland

Dear America,

Destroy it. Now.

Sincerely,  
England

* * *

To: XXXXXX XXXXX  
From: Alfred F. Jones

HEY BOSS!  
I DON'T THINK BRITAIN LIKED MY NEW BOMBER!

-AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones

From: XXXXXX XXXXX

America:  
You showed it to him? !

America's Boss

* * *

To: XXXXXX XXXXX  
From: Alfred F. Jones

Sure, why not?

-AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Francis Bonnefoy, Yao Wang, Ivan Braginski, Ludwig, Kiku Honda and Feliciano Vargas  
From: Arthur Kirkland

That America was so stupid he sent me one of his plane designs! Now I know what kind of weapons he has! What an idiot.

England

* * *

To: Francis Bonnefoy, Yao Wang, Ivan Braginski, Ludwig, Kiku Honda, and Feliciano Vargas  
From: Alfred F. Jones

HAHAHAHAHA! YOU GUYS SHOULD'VE SEEN THE LOOK ON ENGLAND'S FACE WHEN I ATTACKED HIS HOUSE WITH MY NEW BOMBER! WHAT AN IDIOT!

-AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Francis Bonnefoy

Congratulations on destroying England's house. I will now proceed to do the same.

~France

* * *

To: Ludwig  
From: Feliciano Vargas

Dear Germany,

Today I accidentally fell into one of Mr England's hole traps. Now I'm in a cell. Would you mind helping me out?

Grazie!  
Italy~

* * *

Memo  
Note to self:  
The moment Italy gets back, teach him to look where he's going (at least try to).  
Germany, Monday, 0700

* * *

To: Yao Wang  
From: Ivan Braginski

Hello! Do you mind if I take the top part of your country?

Russia

* * *

To: Ivan Braginski  
From: Yao Wang

YES! STAY OUT OF MY COUNTRY, CREEP!

-China

* * *

To: Kiku Honda  
From: Alfred F. Jones

HEY JAPAN!  
Do you think China is okay? Because today I took a look at his notebook and it was full of self-written assurances that "China is the greatest, China is the greatest, China is the greatest, China is the greatest and that creep Russia isn't scary at all, China is the greatest..." He filled the whole thing!

-AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Kiku Honda  
Dear America,

Perhaps one of us should take him to the psychiatrist some day.

Lest he turn into Latvia No. 2.

Sincerely,  
Japan

* * *

To: Feliciano Vargas  
From: Basch Zwingli

Dear Italy,

STAY OUT OF MY PROPERTY! I AM WARNING YOU FOR THE LAST TIME. IF YOU DO NOT I WILL BE FORCED TO BLOW YOUR HEAD OFF LIKE I ALMOST DID LAST TIME, GOT IT?

Very sincerely,  
Switzerland

* * *

To: Ludwig  
From: The Awesome Gilbert Beilschmidt

Hallo, West! I took the liberty of finishing up the supply of beer you hid at the back of the refrigerator! What were you doing, hiding it from Italy? He doesn't actually drink much so you don't have to worry. Thank me later!

THE AWESOME PRUSSIA!

* * *

Memo  
Note to Self:  
Hide the beer somewhere Prussia WON'T look.  
Germany, Wednesday, O825

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Alfred F. Jones

HEY ENGLAND!  
Is that weird smell in the neighborhood your doing? Because it smells a lot like charcoal.

-AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Arthur Kirkland

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, MY DOING? I DON'T BURN STUFF FOR FUN, WANKER!

- England

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Alfred F. Jones

How about when you're cooking?

-AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Ivan Braginski  
From: Arthur Kirkland

Dear Russia,  
Would you mind lending me your pickaxe? I feel like de-braining a certain "hero."

Sincerely,  
England

* * *

To: Francis Bonnefoy  
From: Alfred F. Jones

HELLO FRANCE!  
Could you let me stay at your house for a while? Because I'm kinda on the run from England! He keeps trying to hack my head off.

Thanks!

-AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

**EVERYONE:**

NO ONE IS PERMITTED TO ENTER MY COUNTRY OR LIECHTENSTEIN UNLESS YOU WANT YOUR BRAINS PAINFULLY DISCONNECTED FROM YOUR HEAD AND YOUR ENTRAILS SCATTERED ACROSS THE FACE OF THE EARTH, GOT IT?

YOURS TRULY,  
Switzerland

* * *

–

**Continue or no?**


	2. Part 2

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Emil Steillson

America:  
How many times do I have to tell you I am NOT a piece of ice that floated over from Antarctica? Stop trying to hack at my country because you need ice cubes!

Iceland

PS.: Denmark says to stop bringing seeds to Greenland because he doesn't want you hacking THERE attempting to plant roses and oak trees and he's getting annoyed at having to clean up after you.

* * *

To: Emil Steillson  
From: Alfred F. Jones

Okay!

-AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Matthias Køhler

STOP HACKING AT GREENLAND! IF YOU WANT ICE CUBES FOR YOUR FAST FOOD RESTAURANTS, BUY THEM!

-Denmark

PS.: Iceland says to stop trying to plant roses and oak trees in his country.

* * *

To: Matthias Køhler  
From: Alfred F. Jones

Okay!

-AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Alfred F. Jones

HEY ENGLAND!  
Where do you think I should plant those extra roses and oak trees?

-AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Arthur Kirkland

[CLASSIFIED]

* * *

MEMO

Successfully annihilated rose and oak seeds (identified as from the U.S.) , along with suspicious bespectacled gardener and the latter's lame shark-faced aeroplane.

Switzerland

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Peter Kirkland

ACKNOWLEDGE ME AS A COUNTRY! ACKNOWLEDGE ME OR I WILL BE FORCED TO USE MY AWESOME GIANT FIST AGAINST YOU!

-Sealand

PS.: I bet I have more lords than you do! HAHA!

* * *

To: Peter Kirkland  
From: Arthur Kirkland

(PS.) That's because you sell titles for £29.99, prat.

England

* * *

To: Antonio Fernandez Carriedo  
From: Lovino Vargas

SPAIN! LISTEN HERE, FREAK, MY IDIOT BROTHER HAS BEEN CORRUPTED BY THAT POTATO BASTARD SO I'M GOING TO DRAG HIM OVER TO YOUR PLACE TO CURE HIM, GOT IT? I EXPECT YOU TO PROVIDE US WITH ROOMS, BEDS, FOOD, WATER, MONEY, ELECTRONICS, FOOD, ENTERTAINMENT, TOMATOES, AN UNENDING SUPPLY OF PASTA, BEDS, AND ANYTHING ELSE YOU HAVE, YOU HEAR? DON'T FORGET ANYTHING OR ELSE, DAMMIT!  
We will arrive by noon today.

ROMANO

* * *

To: Lovino Vargas  
From: Antonio Fernandez Carriedo

I'm not exactly unendingly rich, you know!

Spain

* * *

To: Antonio Fernandez Carriedo  
From: Lovino Vargas

Yeah, and?

Romano

* * *

To: Ludwig  
From: Feliciano Vargas

Dear Germany,  
Today I went over to Big Brother Spain's house with my brother Romano! It was really fun! Romano taught me about the art of running away, and what was the most effective way to retreat! He also taught me how to sleep for thirteen hours straight and eat pasta with two forks! Spain brought us tomatoes and I ate them until I felt like I was going to explode! Then I went to the bathroom and threw up! Spain was really nice and helped me clean up. After that I learned the 879 different ways to beg for mercy, it's surprising how many ways you can apologise for stuff! Then Spain brought us pasta for dinner! It was really good. I threw up again!  
So anyway, I'll be staying at Big Brother Spain's tonight, so save me dinner, okay?  
Grazie!  
Italy~

* * *

Memo  
Note to self:  
When Italy gets back, tell him to stint on his use of exclamation marks.  
Germany, Friday, 0625

* * *

Spain's Diary

Friday, XXX X, XXXX

Today Romano came to "visit" with his brother Italy. He demanded that I let him and Ita-chan stay at my house and forced me to provide them with food, beds, and use of my yard. He nearly destroyed my garden while teaching Italy to retreat with the use of a tank. He also made me give him and his brother all of my tomatoes, and Italy ended up throwing up in my bathroom after eating too much. Of course, Romano made me clean up after him. He then proceeded to teach Ita the 879 different ways to beg for mercy, and also showed Ita-chan how _not _to do it, using me as an example enemy (I ended up spitting blood again). Then he forced me to give them dinner (it was supposed to be mine), and Italy threw up _again_. The bathroom still smells like pasta come out the wrong way.  
Tomorrow is going to be a long day.

Spain

* * *

To: [Everyone]

From: Ivan Braginski

My Christmas wish list.

Can I have:

- The Baltics (Lithuania, Estonia, and Latvia)

- Finland

- A lifetime supply of vodka

- Mongolia

- The Ukraine

- Any other country that borders me

Russia

* * *

To: Ivan Braginski

From: Yao Wang

For the last time! NO!

- China

* * *

To: Ivan Braginski

From: Tino Väinämöinen

No, and it's not even Christmas yet . . . it's May.

Finland

* * *

To: Ivan Braginski

From: Feliks Łukasiewicz

No, stop bothering Lithuania already, okay? Or else I'll like send my ENTIRE pony army at you.

Poland

PS.: Don't tell anyone I asked you, but do you think I should paint my room hot pink or black, or both, like stripes or something?

* * *

To: Feliks Łukasiewicz

From: Ivan Braginski

Pink and black. It reminds me of that time I skinned a squirrel when I was bored as a kid.

- Russia

* * *

To: Ivan Braginski

From: Natalia Arlovskaya

YES! MARRY ME, BROTHER RUSSIA! HOW ABOUT SUNDAY? WHICH CHURCH?

- Belarus

* * *

To: Natalia Arlovskaya

From: Ivan Braginski

Except you, Belarus.

Russia

* * *

To: Yao Wang  
From: Matthew Williams

Dear China,  
I hope you notice this letter. The thing is, well, would you mind teaching me a bit about the art of being noticed? For some reason I just can't grasp the concepts.

Thanks,

Canada

* * *

**Like the first one, it doesn't really have a story, any ideas?**


	3. Part 3: America's Advice service

**Part three, thanks to Japanese Sinister. Reviews are appreciated!**

* * *

**"You can always count on Americans to do the right thing - after they've tried everything else."**

- Winston Churchill

* * *

NOTICE

EVERYONE:  
SEND YOUR PROBLEMS TO AMERICA THE HERO! JUST SEND ME AN E-MAIL AND I'LL REPLY WITH A SOLUTION! IT'S FREE!

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Arthur Kirkland

Dear America,  
I have to listen to a daft idiot who thinks he's a hero blabber all day long about who knows what while sloppily eating hamburgers and dripping spittle all over the floor. He also invades my house at regular intervals to show me his idiotic movies and insult my cooking. I want to rip his head off his shoulders and smash it under my feet, what should I do?

Sincerely,  
England

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Alfred F. Jones

That's easy! Kill yourself!

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Arthur Kirkland

America:  
HOW IS THAT SUPPOSED TO HELP, YOU GORMLESS GIT?

England

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Alfred F. Jones

1) You don't have to see me anymore because you're dead  
2) I don't have to endure your annoying complaints and your cooking because you're dead.  
3) Basically everyone hates you.  
4) I bet France that you'd call me a gormless git if I told you that, and you did, so thanks!

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Matthew Williams

Dear America,  
I have a problem, no one ever notices me even when I try to talk or send letters. Maybe the first one is because I'm half invisible, but my letters aren't. Could you help?

Sincerely,  
Canada

* * *

To: Matthew Williams  
From: Matthew Williams

Dear myself,

He didn't even notice my letter.

Canada

* * *

To: Matthew Williams  
From: Alfred F. Jones

HEY CANADA!  
Are you getting so depressed that you're sending letters to yourself?

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Matthew Williams

You noticed me?

Canada

* * *

To: Matthew Williams  
From: Alfred F. Jones

YEAH! It's hard not to notice when a guy walks over to his mailbox and tosses a letter in, then stands there for half an hour staring at it before taking it out again!

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

MEMO

Ways to get noticed: Act weird?

Canada

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Antonio Fernandez Carriedo

I have a subject who treats me like a slave, what should I do?

Spain

* * *

To: Antonio Fernandez Carriedo  
From: Alfred F. Jones

Well, if he's already gotten to the point where he can treat you like a slave, you can't beat him, so let him!

- AMERICA THE HERO TRIUMPHS AGAIN!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Peter Kirkland

NO ONE ACKNOWLEDGES ME AS A COUNTRY! But I am one, so they should!

Sealand

* * *

To: Peter Kirkland  
From: Alfred F. Jones

Oh, just start a revolution or something.

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Arthur Kirkland

AMERICA! Are you the one who got Sealand to revolt again? He went over to my house and spray-painted SEALAND IS A COUNTRY all over it, then started pelting me with toy missiles and laughing like a maniac. It took a long time to clean up, you know! I'm going to get you for this.

England

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Peter Kirkland

It didn't work!

Sealand

* * *

To: Peter Kirkland  
From: Alfred F. Jones

Yeah, I can kinda see that.

- AMERICA THE HOSPITALIZED HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Natalia Arlovskaya

For some reason my brother does not want to marry me. I demand that you help me achieve my goal.

Belarus

* * *

To: Alfred. F. Jones  
From: Ivan Braginski

Dear America,  
I have a mad younger sister who is intent on forcing me to marry her, but she really scares me and I don't want to. What should I do?

Russia

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Alfred F. Jones

HEY ENGLAND!  
I kinda have a problem, Belarus just wrote to me demanding that I help her get Russia to marry her, but Russia also wrote to me asking that I help him get Belarus to leave him alone. I HATE TO ADMIT IT BUT THE HERO NEEDS YOUR HELP!

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Arthur Kirkland

Ah, just say you're going on vacation or something.

England

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Alfred F. Jones

OK but where should I go? I've somehow gotten half of Europe to hate me and China is screaming at me to stay out of Asia. So yeah...

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Arthur Kirkland

I hear they're very hospitable in Switzerland.

England

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Alfred F. Jones

OK!

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Basch Zwingli  
From: Lili Zwingli

Dear Big Brother,  
Um, did you invite America here? Because he's sitting in the living room eating hamburgers and watching television.

Liechtenstein

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Alfred F. Jones

HEY ENGLAND!  
Right now I'm in the hospital again!  
I went over to Switzerland's just like you said, and at first they _were _pretty hospitable, and let me use their TV! Then Switzerland came in and just stood there staring. Next thing I knew, he was chasing me out with a rocket launcher and screaming for me to get my ass out of his country.

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Francis Bonnefoy  
From: Arthur Kirkland

HAHA! I just got America put in the hospital for the forty-seventh time! See if you can beat that, wino!

England

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Francis Bonnefoy

Well, _I _just broke out of the asylum for the SIXTIETH time, you ungorgeous hoodlum. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

France

* * *

To: Francis Bonnefoy  
From: Arthur Kirkland

Oh shut up, I haven't even been inside an asylum.

England

Postscript: And another thing, NO ONE LAUGHS AT _ME,_ GOT IT? _NO ONE._

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Francis Bonnefoy

What about that time when you made yourself sick with opium and China was practically laughing his face off?

France

* * *

To: Francis Bonnefoy  
From: Arthur Kirkland

YOU WERE THERE?

England


	4. Part 4: Timeline

[1400s]

* * *

To: [Everyone]  
From: Feliciano Vargas  
See attached! Look at my new painting! Isn't it great?

Italy~

* * *

To: Antonio Fernandez Carriedo  
From: Francis Bonnefoy

Italy's so helpless! Let's just attack him now!

France

* * *

To: Francis Bonnefoy  
From: Antonio Fernandez Carriedo

Who invited YOU?

Spain

* * *

To: Francis Bonnefoy  
From: Antonio Fernandez Carriedo

Hey, er, apparently England's really sick (you must be thrilled). I showed him your letter and he made this weird face and started grinding it under his foot and gnashing his teeth. What did you write in it?

Spain

* * *

To: Antonio Fernandez Carriedo  
From: Francis Bonnefoy

Oh, just a bunch of insults.

~France

* * *

[1500s]

* * *

To: [Everyone]  
From: Antonio Fernandez Carriedo

Haha! Retoños! I've discovered a new land! And they have tomates!

Spain

* * *

To: Antonio Fernandez Carriedo  
From: [Portugal]

Hey, did you give the new land to Inglaterra and França? Because they're fighting over it right now.

Portugal

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland and Francis Bonnefoy

Look here, you two! _I_found the new world, not you!

Angrily,  
Spain

* * *

To: Antonio Fernandez Carriedo  
From: Feliciano Vargas

Actually, Cristoforo Colombo is Italian!

Italy~

* * *

[1600s]

* * *

To: Matthias Køhler, Ivan Braginski, and Feliks Łukasiewicz  
From: Berwald Oxenstierna

What are you picking on me for?  
Sweden

* * *

To: Berwald Oxenstierna  
From: Ivan Braginski

Well I couldn't find anything better to do...

Russia

* * *

To: [Netherlands]  
From: Chen Chenggong

GET OUT! 滾出台灣!

Chen Chenggong/Koxinga

* * *

To: Chen Chenggong  
From: [Netherlands]

Okay, okay, I can't read the Chinese but I get the point!

Currently leaving,  
Netherlands

* * *

[1700s]

* * *

To: Roderich Edelstein  
From: Gilbert Beilschmidt

HAHA! I've defeated you! I'm the most awesome!

THE MOST AWESOME PRUSSIA!

* * *

To: Gilbert Beilschmidt

From: Roderich Edelstein

Shut up.

Austria

* * *

To: Gilbert Beilschmidt and Francis Bonnefoy

From: Antonio Fernandez Carriedo

Look here, you two, it's the SPANISH throne, so stop fighting over it, alright?  
Spain

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Alfred F. Jones

Okay, listen here, Britain! I'm revolting! From now on you can't order me around anymore, got it? I'm revolting! I'm starting a revolution!

- AMERICA THE HERO!  
PS.: By revolting I'm not saying I'm disgusting or whatever that word means, okay?

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Francis Bonnefoy

Fantasy-Eyebrows says that he has some teabags stored somewhere in the shed and you can whack him with them however much you want, just don't get his scones dirty. He also asks why, if you're starting a revolution, you're sending threat letters instead of facing him, and whether this is just one of your April Fool's jokes and in that case he's reminding you that it's not April and he wonders whether you're literate enough to read the calendar, or should he give you another lesson on letters?

France

* * *

[1800s]

To: Antonio Fernandez Carriedo  
From: Lovino Vargas

Here's a script I recorded of that idiot Britain and that chic-face France. Oh, and if I remember correctly, these were the guys that beat you up, though that can't possibly be true, _can it?_

England: [Pointing at France] Hahahahahaha! Beat you again, you bloody wino! [continues laughing] Seriously what _happened_ at Waterloo?  
France: I'm going to kill him someday.  
England: Haha! Look at Trafalgar, too! Your efforts to conquer my navy were absolutely futile! [laughs again]  
Napoleon: I hate Englishmen [Wellington gloating]  
England: Seriously, you ought to know that communication is different at sea! Of course we won! [laughs, France starts grumbling]  
Rum-preserved-corpse-of-Nelson: Maybe, but you really ought to consider the casualties.  
[Everyone freezes]  
Wellington: I sense a presence that shouldn't be here. . . .  
Napoleon: Shut up! It's not like you have magical powers!

Though I really didn't get that last part.

Romano

* * *

[1900s]

To: Feliciano Vargas and Roderich Edelstein  
From: Ludwig

Alright, I think we should start discussing battle plans, what do you two think?

Germany

* * *

To: Ludwig  
From: Feliciano Vargas

I think we should all eat pasta and sleep all day! It'll be fun!

Italy~

* * *

To: Feliciano Vargas  
From: Ludwig

NO! WE ARE NOT GOING TO DO THAT!

Extremely sincerely,  
Germany

* * *

To: Ludwig  
From: Feliciano Vargas

Oh. Then I guess I'll go neutral!  
Italy~

* * *

To: Roderich Edelstein  
From: Ludwig

Since Italy has decided to go neutral for the sake of pasta and sleep, what are your ideas?

Germany

* * *

To: Roderich Edelstein  
From: Ludwig

Hello? Austria?

Germany

* * *

To: Ludwig  
From: Feliciano Vargas

I think Mr. Austria's angry! He's switched to Chopin! I can hear it from across the street! What did you ask him? He seems annoyed!

Italy~

* * *

Memo  
Note to self:

Next time you decide to start a World War, get better allies.  
Germany, 0750

* * *

(1905)

* * *

To: Ivan Braginski  
From: Kiku Honda

I'm sorry! Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry!

Feeling sorry,  
Japan

* * *

To: Kiku Honda  
From: Ivan Braginski

Kol kol kol kol kol kol kol kol kol kol!

Russia

* * *

(1919)

* * *

To: Ludwig  
From: Arthur Kirkland

HAHAHA! IDIOT! NOW YOU SEE MY NAVY IS STILL THE GREATEST! HAHA! STUPID! IDIOT! MORON! HAHA!

Gleefully,  
England

* * *

To: Francis Bonnefoy  
From: Ludwig

Dear France,

Now I think I know how you always feel.

Germany

* * *

(1939)

* * *

To: [Everyone]  
From: Ludwig

HAHA! I am finally strong enough to start another World War! Prepare to die! Especially you, France! I really hate you!

Germany

* * *

To: Ludwig  
From: Feliciano Vargas

Okay, then, I'll join you!

Italy~

* * *

To: Ludwig  
From: Francis Bonnefoy

Why the hell do you want to start another World War?

France

* * *

(1945)

* * *

To: Feliciano Vargas  
From: Ludwig

Dear Italy,  
I completely, absolutely, irrevocably hate you.  
Sincerely,  
Germany

* * *

(1969)

* * *

To: Ivan Braginski  
From: Alfred F. Jones

HA-HA! I'M ON THE MOON! I'M ON THE MOON AND YOU'RE NOT!

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Ivan Braginski

You're also rapidly using up what little air you have left in that little space box of yours while you scream into the telephone while writing your letter. I just have one question, why did you even write the letter if you're just going to call me up and recite exactly what you're sending me?

Russia

* * *

[2012]

* * *

To: Yao Wang  
From: Alfred F. Jones

Dude, China! Stop LAUGHING! I can hear it from HERE! Just because you're rich and we're all broke doesn't mean you can laugh your face off!

- AMERICA THE ANNOYED HERO!

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Alfred F. Jones

He sent me a recording of him laughing.

* * *

To: Heracles Karpusi  
From: Arthur Kirkland

Greece!  
You idiot! Get your lazy face off the pillow and fix the problem you got us all into, for god's sake! I hope you've actually stayed awake long enough to finish reading this letter!

England

* * *

**I'm sorry to say poor Greece fell asleep after the word "pillow."**

**By the way, here's a list of the references: [1400s] Renaissance (which France and Spain ended), over-mild reference to the Black Death, [1500s] Christopher Columbus the Genoese's discovery of America, [1600s] First Northern War, Koxinga kicking the Dutch out of Taiwan, [1700s] War of the Austrian Succession, War of the Spanish Succession, American War for Independence, [1800s] Odd portrayal of Napoleonic Wars, [1900s] World War I, (1905) Russo-Japanese War, (1919) Great War (at sea), (1939) World War II, (1969) Apollo 11.**

**For some reason I felt like doing this. Part 5 to come right after.**


	5. Part 5

**More ideas appreciated!**

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Alfred F. Jones

HEY BRITAIN!  
Would you mind lending me some money?  
Thanks!  
- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Arthur Kirkland

Dear America,  
Yes, I would. I'm broke enough as it is, you bloody wanker. Go ask China. Now shut up and leave me to sulk because the wine bastard is higher up in the GDP listings than me. Stop cluttering up my mailbox.

England

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Alfred F. Jones

Wow, people actually send you mail? Except me of course, and France with his hate-mail.

-AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Yao Wang  
From: Alfred F. Jones

HEY CHINA!

Could you lend me some money?

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Yao Wang  
NO! I am NOT lending you any MORE money! Don't you forget that you still owe me millions! What did you spend it on, _hamburgers_?

China

* * *

To: Yao Wang  
From: Alfred F. Jones

But hamburgers are my life source.

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Basch Zwingli  
From: Francis Bonnefoy

Do you know where the next G8 summit is going to be? I've suddenly forgotten.

France

* * *

To: Francis Bonnefoy  
From: Basch Zwingli

It's going to be in England.

* * *

To: Basch Zwingli  
From: Francis Bonnefoy

Kill me.

* * *

To: Francis Bonnefoy  
From: Basch Zwingli

I can't do that. Doing that would be violating my neutrality since Britain has been nagging me to help him blow your head off for years.

Switzerland

* * *

To: Matthias Køhler  
From: Ludwig

Dear Denmark,  
Could you give me a few barrels of beer? My brother Prussia has somehow emptied my country of beer and I really need it. I will pay you back later.

Germany

* * *

To: Ludwig  
From: Emil Steillson

Dear Germany,  
I'm afraid Mr. Denmark is currently dead drunk on the floor, and is unable to answer your letter, of which we will notify him later. As for the beer, Norway and Sweden are checking the house to see if Denmark spared any.

Sincerely,  
Iceland

* * *

To: Basch Zwingli  
From: Francis Bonnefoy

Hello,  
Do you remember when the next NATO summit is? I've forgotten that, too.

France

* * *

To: Francis Bonnefoy  
From: Lili Zwingli

Dear Mr. France,  
My big brother says that he has decided that by telling you anything he is violating his eternal neutrality, and isn't going to reply. He says I shouldn't answer either.

Sincerely,  
Liechtenstein

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Francis Bonnefoy

Dear Black Sheep of Europe,  
Don't you think Switzerland is getting a bit over-paranoid about his neutrality?

France

* * *

To: Francis Bonnefoy  
From: Arthur Kirkland

STOP CORRUPTING MY MAILBOX WITH YOUR WINE FREAK INFECTED LETTERS!

Very sincerely,  
England

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Francis Bonnefoy

And you tell America to stop abusing the Caps Lock key.

France

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland, Feliciano Vargas, Francis Bonnefoy, Kiku Honda, Ludwig, Matthew Williams, and Ivan Braginski  
From: Alfred F. Jones

HEY EVERYONE!  
I think we should modify the G8! France thinks we should add China, Brazil, India, Mexico and South Africa! And to tell you the truth, I WANNA KICK OUT ITALY. So who should we keep and who should we add or kick out?

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones, Feliciano Vargas, Francis Bonnefoy, Kiku Honda, Ludwig, Matthew Williams and Ivan Braginski  
From: Arthur Kirkland

I think we should get rid of the self-styled idiot hero and the brain-cell lacking wine freak.

England

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Alfred F. Jones

HEY!

-AMERICA THE ANGRY HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones, Feliciano Vargas, Arthur Kirkland, Kiku Honda, Ludwig, Matthew Williams and Ivan Braginski  
From: Francis Bonnefoy

We should throw out the hoodlum.

France

* * *

To: Francis Bonnefoy  
From: Arthur Kirkland

Oh, so you want to throw yourself out?

England

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones, Feliciano Vargas, Francis Bonnefoy, Kiku Honda, Ludwig, Matthew Williams and Arthur Kirkland  
From: Ivan Braginski

You should all become one with me.

Russia

* * *

To: Ivan Braginski  
From: Arthur Kirkland

That's irrelevant.

England

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones, Feliciano Vargas, Francis Bonnefoy, Kiku Honda, Ludwig, Matthew Williams and Arthur Kirkland  
From: Ivan Braginski

Oh, okay. Then how about you all become my subordinates and we change it to G1? I'd like that.

Russia

* * *

To: Ivan Braginski  
From: Alfred F. Jones

NO WAY! THERE'S ONLY ONE HERO!

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Ivan Braginski

But I never said I wanted to be the hero.

Russia

* * *

To: Ivan Braginski  
From: Alfred F. Jones

SAME THING TO ME!

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Arthur Kirkland

I saw you! Stop abusing the caps lock key! It's not meant to be used like that, moron! You're violating the sacred rules of capitalisation in English! I demand that you apologise to the caps lock key!

England

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Alfred F. Jones

Sacred? Apologise to the caps lock key? Are you sure you're not going crazy, Britain?

-AMERICA THE HERO!  
PS.: THE HERO HAS NOW CHANGED THE SACRED RULES OF CAPITALIZATION IN ENGLISH! DO WHATEVER YOU WANT NOW!

* * *

** Reviews also appreciated.**


	6. Part 6: Battle for Awesomeness I

**Part 6.**

* * *

To: [Everyone]  
From: Alfred F. Jones

HAHA! THE HERO (ME!) HAS DECIDED THAT I AM THE MOST AWESOME AND ALL OF YOU STINK! SUCKERS!

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Arthur Kirkland

I demand that you apologise to both the exclamation point and caps lock keys.

England  
PS.: How can you possibly be the most awesome if you can't even write your own name?

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Alfred F. Jones

HEY! I CAN!

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Arthur Kirkland

We all know that your superior helps you type "Alfred" because you have no idea how to spell it, and you only learned how to spell "Jones" after you watched your own movie over and over and over and over again. God knows where you learned to spell _my_name, let alone type letters.

England

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Alfred F. Jones

TELL AND YU DIE!

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones and [everyone else]  
From: Gilbert Beilschmidt

I'd like you to know that _I _am the most awesome and have always been, idiots.

- PRUSSIA IS THE MOST AWESOME OF ALL!

* * *

To: Gilbert Beilschmidt  
From: Arthur Kirkland

Why are there five exclamation marks?  
If you're going to use English, use it properly!

England

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Gilbert Beilschmidt

Dann werde ich nicht.

- Das ehrfürchtige Königreich Preußen

* * *

To: Gilbert Beilschmidt  
From: Alfred F. Jones

LISTEN HERE, IDIOT, YOU'RE NOT EVEN A COUNTRY ANYMORE SO YOU DON'T COUNT, GOT IT? HA! THE HERO IS STILL THE AWESOMEST!

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Arthur Kirkland

Here's another reason why you do not qualify to be the most awesome: your intellectual capacity is equivalent to that of the insignificant ant I am about to crush under my foot.

Sincerely,  
England

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Yao Wang

It's a termite.

China

* * *

To: Yao Wang  
From: Arthur Kirkland

No, it's an ant, though I don't know how you saw. And stop hacking into my account, I've changed the password now.

England

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Yao Wang

It's a termite. I've seen 4000 years' worth of termites.

China

* * *

To: Yao Wang  
From: I AM A BRAIN-CELL-LACKING MENTALLY-CHALLENGED STUPID OPIUM BASTARD CALLED ENGLAND

No. It's definitely an ant.

England

* * *

To: Yao Wang  
From: I AM A BRAIN-CELL-LACKING MENTALLY-CHALLENGED STUPID OPIUM BASTARD CALLED ENGLAND

WHAT THE SCONES DID YOU DO? FIX IT NOW!

England

* * *

To: I AM A BRAIN-CELL-LACKING MENTALLY-CHALLENGED STUPID OPIUM BASTARD CALLED ENGLAND  
From: Yao Wang

I simply hacked into your account again and changed your name. I also messed around a bit to render you unable to change it back to normal. Your passwords are remarkably easy, first it was "France is a frog," then it was "France is stupid," and then it was "France is a perverted wino and I hate him."

China

* * *

To: Yao Wang  
From: I AM A BRAIN-CELL-LACKING MENTALLY-CHALLENGED STUPID OPIUM BASTARD CALLED ENGLAND

FIX IT.

England

* * *

To: I AM A BRAIN-CELL-LACKING MENTALLY-CHALLENGED STUPID OPIUM BASTARD CALLED ENGLAND  
From: Yao Wang

No.

China

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: I AM A BRAIN-CELL-LACKING MENTALLY-CHALLENGED STUPID OPIUM BASTARD CALLED ENGLAND

I demand that you help me fix my name or I will annihilate you.

England

* * *

To: BRAIN-CELL-LACKING MENTALLY-CHALLENGED STUPID OPIUM BASTARD CALLED ENGLAND  
From: Alfred F. Jones

HEY! WHY DO YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO ORDER ME AROUND?

- AMERICA THE HERO!

PS.: Nice name. HAHAHAHAHA!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: I AM A BRAIN-CELL-LACKING MENTALLY-CHALLENGED STUPID OPIUM BASTARD CALLED ENGLAND

I'm older. Ha.

England

* * *

To: I AM A BRAIN-CELL-LACKING MENTALLY-CHALLENGED STUPID OPIUM BASTARD CALLED ENGLAND  
From: Yao Wang

I'm 4000 and immortal. Now give me all of your money.

China

* * *

To: [Everyone]  
From: Yao Wang

Listen here, everyone! I, as the oldest, order you all to surrender yourselves to the great China and allow me to dominate the world with a ruthless totalitarian government!

China

* * *

To: Yao Wang  
From: Alfred F. Jones

No way.

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Yao Wang  
From: Ivan Braginski

But that's _my _job!

Russia :(

* * *

To: Yao Wang  
From: France

ONLY THE GORGEOUS ME IS WORTHY OF WORLD DOMINATION!

~France

* * *

To: Yao Wang  
From: Kiku Honda

Don't forget that once we beat _you_.

Japan

* * *

To: Kiku Honda  
From: Yao Wang

Shut up and stop trying to take back Shandong.

China

* * *

To: Yao Wang  
From: Peter Kirkland

NO! Now prepare to face the full power of SEALAND!

Sealand

* * *

To: I AM A BRAIN-CELL-LACKING MENTALLY-CHALLENGED STUPID OPIUM BASTARD CALLED ENGLAND  
From: Yao Wang

Sealand came over to my house and started spraying me with a water gun. Does he do that a lot?

China

* * *

To: Yao Wang  
From: I AM A BRAIN-CELL-LACKING MENTALLY-CHALLENGED STUPID OPIUM BASTARD CALLED ENGLAND

That's his idea of a revolution. Now change my name back.

England

* * *

To: I AM A BRAIN-CELL-LACKING MENTALLY-CHALLENGED STUPID OPIUM BASTARD CALLED ENGLAND  
From: Yao Wang

Okay.

China

* * *

To: Yao Wang  
From: Bonehead

THIS IS NOT MY NAME!

England

* * *

To: Bonehead  
From: Yao Wang

Of course "this" is not your name. Bonehead is.

China

* * *

To: Yao Wang  
From: Bonehead

Don't play dumb, idiot! My name is England!

England

* * *

To: Bonehead  
From: Yao Wang

Really, but I'm pretty sure that says "Bonehead." And how does an idiot (I'm not one) play dumb?

China

* * *

To: Yao Wang  
From: Bonehead

JUST CHANGE MY NAME BACK OR I'LL ANNIHILATE YOU.

England

* * *

To: Basch Zwingli  
From: Bonehead

China beat me up, that's completely unfair! He has more people and he's more powerful.

England

* * *

To: Bonehead  
From: Basch Zwingli

Dear Bonehead,

You just said yourself the two reasons why threatening to annihilate China would be unimaginably idiotic. So let me ask you this, why did you go and do that?

Switzerland

* * *

To: Francis Bonnefoy  
From: Bonehead

Why is it that everyone can hack into my account?

England

* * *

To: Bonehead

From: Francis Bonnefoy

Because you're stupid.

~France

* * *

**Continuing America and Prussia's war to be the "awesomest" in Part 7. Reviews extremely appreciated.**


	7. Part 7: Battle for Awesomeness II

**Continuation of last time's.**

* * *

To: [Everyone]  
From: Alfred F. Jones

So, let me remind all of you of what I said earlier...  
I AM THE AWESOMEST! AND DON'T YOU DENY IT!

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Bonehead

I've organized all of your mail to me into the "spam" label.

England

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Matthias Køhler

In response to your claim that you are the most awesome, I would like to point out that not only am I older than you are, but I also have more brain cells than you do.

Denmark

* * *

To: Matthias Køhler  
From: Alfred F. Jones

At least I haven't spent half my life on the floor drunk!

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones and Matthias Køhler  
From: Gilbert Beilschmidt

You two shut up! You are both dwarfed by my incredible awesomeness! Now bow down before the great PRUSSIA!

With love,  
THE AWESOME PRUSSIA!

* * *

To: Gilbert Beilschmidt  
From: Alfred F. Jones and Matthias Køhler

You're not a country anymore, so shut your trap.

Sincerely,  
AMERICA (THE HERO!) and Denmark.

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones, Ludwig, and Matthias Køhler  
From: Gilbert Beilschmidt

So what? I can still be awesome even if I'm not a country! West agrees, right, West?

- THE GREAT AND AWESOME PRUSSIA!

* * *

To: Gilbert Beilschmidt  
From: Ludwig

I will if you promise to stop ransacking my house at regular intervals seeking _my_ beer.

Germany

* * *

To: Ludwig  
From: Gilbert Beilschmidt

Aw, come on, West! Be a good sport!

- THE GREAT AND AWESOME KINGDOM OF PRUSSIA!

* * *

[Note to Germany]

I, the great and awesome Prussia, solemnly swear that I will never again ransack West's house in a quest for his beer!  
Signed,  
Prussia

* * *

To: Ludwig  
From: Bonehead

Did something happen between you and Prussia or something? Because today your dipsomaniacal brother turned up at my house and stole all of my ale with me standing right there! And I thought I'd already convinced him to take only _your _alcohol!

England

PS.: Ignore the name, China changed it to "Bonehead" and won't change it back.

* * *

To: Bonehead  
From: Ludwig

SO IT WAS YOU WHO TOLD HIM TO TAKE MY BEER!

* * *

To: Ludwig  
From: Bonehead

Yes, of course. Better you than Russia. You do NOT want to see Russia on vodka withdrawal.

England

PS.: Why does everyone hate the caps lock key? You're all banging at it every day.

* * *

To: Ludwig  
From: Gilbert Beilschmidt

Hey! Now that I've stopped taking your beer, will you say that I'm the most awesome?

- THE GREAT AND INCREDIBLY AWESOME KINGDOM OF PRUSSIA

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones and Matthias Køhler  
From: Gilbert Beilschmidt

HA! West says I'm the most awesome of all! Suck it, losers!

- THE GREAT AND INCREDIBLY AWESOME AND AMAZING KINGDOM OF PRUSSIA!

* * *

To: Gilbert Beilschmidt  
From: Ivan Braginski

The Baltics say I'm the most awesome.

Russia :)

* * *

To: Ivan Braginski  
From: Gilbert Beilschmidt

That's just because you bullied them into it.

- THE GREAT, INCREDIBLY AWESOME, AMAZING, AND HOLY KINGDOM OF PRUSSIA!

* * *

To: Bonehead  
From: Alfred F. Jones

HEY ENGLAND!  
I just got another idea! How about you say I'm the most awesome and I'll fix your name!

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Bonehead

No way. I'd rather be stuck with "Bonehead" as a name than say you're the most awesome.

England

* * *

To: Bonehead  
From: Alfred F. Jones

How about if I tie up France so you can beat him up all you want _and_I fix your name?

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Bonehead

Deal.

England

* * *

To: Yao Wang  
From: Alfred F. Jones

HEY CHINA!  
Fix England's name or I'll paint the Great Wall purple!

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Yao Wang

I'm aiming missiles at the United States. Now, should I bomb the White House or Lady Liberty?

- China

* * *

To: Yao Wang  
From: Alfred F. Jones

NEITHER! How about I pay you a billion yuan?

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Yao Wang

Fine. Fork it over, báichī.

China

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: XXXXXX XXXXX

Why did you suddenly give China 157,915,527.62 USD?

America's Boss

* * *

To: XXXXXX XXXXX  
From: Alfred F. Jones

Because I'm the awesomest!

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred f. Jones  
From: XXXXXX XXXXX

"Awesomest" is not a word.

America's Boss

* * *

To: XXXXXX XXXXX  
From: Alfred F. Jones

AH WELL! Since Spanish is quickly becoming my second language, you can excuse bad grammer! Spain is kinda cuckoo, so I really don't know why I chose that particular language!

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: [Everyone]  
From: Arthur Kirkland

Alright, I really hate to say it, but I made a deal so here it is: Out of_ America, Denmark and Prussia_, America is the most awesome. Now someone please kill me.

England

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Yao Wang

I will!

China

* * *

To: Yao Wang  
From: Arthur Kirkland

I didn't really mean it, idiot.

England

* * *

[Text]

To: Francis Bonnefoy

Yo France! I'll get you out of that guillotine Britain plans on chopping your head off with if you say I'm the most awesome!

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

[Text]  
To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Francis Bonnefoy  
YES! He's just gone to eat his mutants – sorry, _scones_!

~France

* * *

To: [Everyone]  
From: Francis Bonnefoy  
I want to kill myself for saying this: America is the most awesome.

~France

* * *

To: [Denmark's Boss]  
From: Matthias Køhler

That moron America has Britain and France on his side! Any ideas?

Denmark

* * *

To: Otto von Bismarck  
From: Gilbert Beilschmidt

Denmark has played the Lego card and America somehow has Britain and that frog's somewhat reluctant support! But everyone knows deep down that I'm the most awesome! Since you're my old boss, what should I do?

- THE UNBELIEVABLY GREAT, INCREDIBLY AWESOME, AMAZING, AND HOLY KINGDOM OF PRUSSIA!

* * *

To: Gilbert Beilschmidt  
From: Otto Von Bismarck

How did you manage to contact me in the afterlife?

* * *

To: Otto von Bismarck  
From: Gilbert Beilschmidt  
No idea! For all I know, you might just be some moral idiot pretending to be my old boss! Now just answer the question already!

- THE UNBELIEVABLY AND UNIMAGINABLY GREAT, INCREDIBLY AWESOME, AMAZING, AND HOLY KINGDOM OF PRUSSIA!

* * *

To: Gilbert Beilschmidt  
From: Otto von Bismarck

Ah, just keep spamming everyone's inboxes or something.

* * *

To: [Everyone]  
From: Gilbert Beilschmidt

PRUSSIA IS THE MOST AWESOME!  
- THE MOST AWESOME: THE UNBELIEVABLY AND UNIMAGINABLY GREAT, INCREDIBLY AWESOME, AMAZING, AND HOLY KINGDOM OF PRUSSIA!

* * *

To: [Everyone]  
From: Gilbert Beilschmidt

PRUSSIA IS THE MOST AWESOME!  
- THE MOST AWESOME: THE UNBELIEVABLY AND UNIMAGINABLY GREAT, INCREDIBLY AWESOME, AMAZING, AND HOLY KINGDOM OF PRUSSIA!

* * *

To: [Everyone]  
From: Gilbert Beilschmidt

PRUSSIA IS THE MOST AWESOME!  
- THE MOST AWESOME: THE UNBELIEVABLY AND UNIMAGINABLY GREAT, INCREDIBLY AWESOME, AMAZING, AND HOLY KINGDOM OF PRUSSIA!

* * *

To: Gilbert Beilschmidt

From: Arthur Kirkland

SHUT UP!

* * *

**Yep, I managed to drag this thing along for _another _part. Though I'm definitely finishing up in the next one. More ideas would be great.**


	8. Part 8: Battle for Awesomeness III END

**CORRESPONDENCE BETWEEN HETALIANS 8**

* * *

To: Ludwig  
From: Alfred F. Jones

HEY GERMANY! Austria dropped a piano on my head from the second floor when I was being too loud outside his window! Could you lend me some money to pay for my hospital bills?

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Ludwig

Sorry, no, I'm _still _restoring my beer supply after Prussia massacred half of it yesterday (please note that it was only twenty-seven hours after he "solemnly swore" to leave my alcohol alone).

Germany

* * *

To: [Everyone]  
From: Gilbert Beilschmidt

PRUSSIA IS THE MOST AWESOME!

- THE MOST AWESOME: THE UNBELIEVABLY AND UNIMAGINABLY GREAT, INCREDIBLY AWESOME, AMAZING, AND HOLY KINGDOM OF PRUSSIA!

* * *

To: Gilbert Beilschmidt, Alfred F. Jones, and Matthias Køhler  
From: Yao Wang

I am the oldest so I'm the most awesome.

China

* * *

To: Yao Wang  
From: Gilbert Beilschmidt, Alfred F. Jones, and Matthias Køhler  
We don't care, old man.

* * *

To: Ludwig  
From: Feliciano Vargas

Hi Germany!  
We've just run out of space to dump our waste in our capital! Would you mind if we used Berlin?

Italy~

* * *

To: Feliciano Vargas  
From: Ludwig

I'm not your servant.

Germany

* * *

To: Ludwig  
From: Feliciano Vargas

Does that mean I can use it?

Italy~

* * *

To: Feliciano Vargas  
From: Ludwig

It means no, you can't. Now get those bulldozers off my lawn.

Germany

* * *

To: [Everyone]  
From: Francis Bonnefoy

I've changed my mind! _I'm_the most gorgeous and therefore the most awesome!

~France

* * *

To: [Everyone]  
From: Arthur Kirkland

Disregard the frog. I am (the latter).

England

* * *

To: Francis Bonnefoy and Arthur Kirkland  
From: Alfred F. Jones

Hey! I thought we had a deal!

- AMERICA THE ANNOYED HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Arthur Kirkland

I did say you were the most awesome. The most awesome out of you, Denmark and Prussia.

England

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Francis Bonnefoy

Gorgeous people have the right to break promises.

~France

* * *

To: Ludwig  
From: Francis Bonnefoy

Dear Germany,

Could you please get me out of this guillotine?

~ France

* * *

To: [Everyone]  
From: Gilbert Beilschmidt

PRUSSIA IS THE MOST AWESOME!

- THE MOST AWESOME: THE UNBELIEVABLY AND UNIMAGINABLY GREAT, INCREDIBLY AWESOME, AMAZING, AND HOLY KINGDOM OF PRUSSIA!

* * *

To: [Everyone]  
From: Gilbert Beilschmidt

PRUSSIA IS THE MOST AWESOME!

- THE MOST AWESOME: THE UNBELIEVABLY AND UNIMAGINABLY GREAT, INCREDIBLY AWESOME, AMAZING, AND HOLY KINGDOM OF PRUSSIA!

* * *

To: Gilbert Beilschmidt  
From: Arthur Kirkland

Stop _spamming_. Both my inbox and my mailbox are filled, the latter with your crappy pencil-written "Prussia RULES!" which I erased with my least favorite rubber and sent back to you.

England

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Gilbert Beilschmidt

That sounded… wrong.

- THE UNBELIEVABLY AND UNIMAGINABLY GREAT, INCREDIBLY AWESOME, INFINITELY AMAZING, AND HOLY KINGDOM OF PRUSSIA!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Arthur Kirkland

And you, quit mass-producing "America is awesome!" signs and posting them all over London. I'm using them as fuel.

England

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Alfred F. Jones

Dude! Stop burning them! The air in London is bad enough without you doing that!

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Arthur Kirkland

THEN STOP PASTING THEM ALL OVER LONDON! I can hardly have idiot-praising signs stuck all over the place during the Olympics.

England

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Alfred F. Jones

Sure you can!  
And the air in London IS bad, no matter what you screamed into the telephone last night!

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: [Everyone]  
From: Matthias Køhler

I invented Legos and beat up Sweden! I'm the most awesome!

Denmark

* * *

To: Matthias Køhler  
From: Berwald Oxenstierna

Beating someone else up doesn't make you awesome, idioten.

Sweden

* * *

To: [Everyone]  
From: Francis Bonnefoy

I am the most gorgeous and therefore the most awesome!

~ France

* * *

To: [Everyone]  
From: Yao Wang

I'm the oldest! _I _am the greatest!

China

* * *

To: [Everyone]  
From: Gilbert Beilschmidt

PRUSSIA IS THE MOST AWESOME!

- THE MOST AWESOME: THE UNBELIEVABLY AND UNIMAGINABLY GREAT, INCREDIBLY AWESOME, AMAZING, AND HOLY KINGDOM OF PRUSSIA!

* * *

To: [Everyone]  
From: Arthur Kirkland

I have a brain! You all don't! The mirror says I am the greatest of all!

England

* * *

To: [Everyone]  
From: Ivan Braginski

!

Russia

* * *

To: [Everyone]  
From: Peter Kirkland

I can make people Lords and Ladies for £29.99! Beat that!

Sealand

* * *

To: [Everyone]  
From: Roderich Edelstein

You all have no taste in music.

Austria

* * *

To: [Everyone]  
From: Alfred F. Jones

I'm the hero and only heroes are awesome! And since none of you other guys are heroes, I'm the most awesome! I'm the hero and heroes are awesome! I'm the hero and heroes are awesome!

- AMERICA THE AWESOME HERO!

I'm the hero and heroes are awesome! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I'm the hero and heroes are awesome! I'm the hero and heroes are awesome! I'm the hero and heroes are awesome! I'm the hero and heroes are awesome!

* * *

To: [Everyone]  
From: Basch Zwingli

YOU ALL SHUT UP! I CAN HEAR YOU ALL ARGUING FROM _HERE_, BEHIND THE PERMANENT NEUTRALITY BARRIER! FROM NOW ON, _I'M_THE MOST AWESOME AND ANYONE YOU SAYS DIFFERENTLY GETS THEIR BUTT STUCK ON THE SPANISH DONKEY AND THEIR HEAD MOUNTED ON A STICK OUTSIDE MY HOUSE!

Sincerely,  
Switzerland

* * *

**Enter the fancy script: The end (to this part). Thanks again to Japanese Sinister for the idea.**

**Ačiū.**

**As I have repeated many times before... well, I'm sure I don't need to repeat it again, it starts with an "R."**

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones

From: Arthur Kirkland

I'm the hero and heroes are awesome!

England

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland

From: Alfred F. Jones

Stop fibbing.

- AMERICA THE HERO!


	9. Part 9: I Hate Them As Much As You Do

**CORRESPONDENCE BETWEEN HETALIANS 9**

* * *

To: Feliciano Vargas  
From: Lovino Vargas

VENEZIANO!  
SPAIN HAS GONE CRAZY OVERNIGHT AND IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT! HE'S CHANGED HIS RINGTONE TO "WHY DON'T YOU SHUT UP?" AND HE'LL ONLY WEAR SHIRTS THAT SAY "WHY DON'T YOU SHUT UP?"! WORSE STILL, HE INSISTS ON PLAYING "¿POR QUE NO TE CALLAS?" VIDEOS OVER AND OVER AGAIN AT THE HIGHEST POSSIBLE VOLUME SO THAT YOU CAN HEAR IT FROM A MILE AWAY! DON'T YOU KNOW HOW EMBARRASSING THAT IS SINCE I USED TO LIVE AT HIS HOUSE?  
I DEMAND THAT YOU FIX THE TOMATO-BASTARD'S BRAIN RIGHT NOW DAMMIT!

ROMANO

AND ANOTHER THING, I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW THAT PHRASE EXISTED, SINCE TOMATOFACE ONLY TAUGHT ME HOW TO SAY "KISS ME!" IN SPANISH! THAT'S ALL YOUR FAULT TOO!

* * *

To: Lovino Vargas  
From: Feliciano Vargas

WHYYY?

Italy~

* * *

To: Feliciano Vargas  
From: Lovino Vargas

Because you're an idiot. NOW FIX IT.

Romano

* * *

**"I hate the English as much as you do." **

**- Tsar Alexander to Napoleon Bonaparte, 1807.**

* * *

To: Ludwig

From: Arthur Kirkland

Dear kraut,

Were you the moron who told the pasta idiot he could make giant models of pasta and tomatoes with my scones? And were you the one who rigged my stove to blow up on my face when I turned it on? _And_the one who flooded my basement and set my attic on fire?

Demanding that you get the surprisingly tenacious pasta idiot _out_ of my house right _now_,

England

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Ludwig

Yes. That was for my long-time grudge for when you beat up and sank my High Seas Fleet.

Germany

* * *

To: Ludwig  
From: Arthur Kirkland

Mind you, it was _your_ Reuter who scuttled the bulk of your Fleet at _my _Flow, idiot.

England

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Ludwig

What about the Falklands? I LIKED _Gneisenau _and _Scharnhorst_.

Posting "Britain is an incompetent moron" signs all over London,

Germany

* * *

To: Ludwig  
From: Arthur Kirkland

DON'T FORGET CORONEL, BASTARD.

England  
_Arthur Kirkland's new status is: Why is it that everyone likes messing up London?_

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Ludwig

Moron moron moron moron moron moron moron moron moron moron moron moron moron moron moron moron moron moron moron.

Germany

* * *

To: Francis Bonnefoy  
From: Arthur Kirkland

So, the kraut likes to repeat the same word over and over again when he's worked up.

England

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Francis Bonnefoy

And YOU were the one who told me to stop contaminating your mailbox.

~ France

* * *

To: Francis Bonnefoy  
From: Arthur Kirkland

Wino wino wino wino wino wino wino wino wino wino wino wino wino wino wino wino wino wino wino wino wino wino wino wino wino wino wino wino wino wino wino wino wino!

England

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Francis Bonnefoy

Hoodlum hoodlum hoodlum hoodlum hoodlum hoodlum hoodlum hoodlum hoodlum hoodlum hoodlum hoodlum hoodlum hoodlum hoodlum hoodlum hoodlum hoodlum.

~France

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Ludwig

Dear stupid Brit,

I'd like to point out that I was many times smarter than you then. Coronel was a _big _slip for your Admiralty, I must say.

Germany

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Alfred F. Jones

HEY BRITAIN!  
Remember that time in World War II when I had to come in and save your butt? THAT WAS SO FUN!

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones and Ludwig  
From: Arthur Kirkland

Shut up, you two.

England

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Sadiq Adnan

HELLO!  
Since you're all on the subject, remember when I kicked your ass at Dardanelles?

Turkey

* * *

To: Sadiq Adnan  
From: Arthur Kirkland

You didn't "kick my ass," idiot. What is this, World Wars Memorial Week?

England

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Alfred F. Jones

Nope! Just, "Remember How Stupid Britain was during the World Wars" week!

-AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: [England's Boss]  
From: Arthur Kirkland

I'M GOING TO KILL THEM ALL!

ENGLAND

* * *

To: Sadiq Adnan  
From: Alfred F. Jones

Dude, Chicken or whatever your name is, YOU seriously need to change your password, too! It's just like how everyone knows England wants to claw France's eyes out and chop the guy's body into little pieces and feed them to the piranhas! EVERYONE knows that you hate Greece!

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: [Everyone]  
From: Matthias Køhler

Switzy's got the flu!  
I AM THE MOST AWESOME AND THE SMARTEST!

- Denmark

* * *

To: Matthias Køhler  
From: Lukas Bondevik

Everything for Norway!

- Norway

* * *

To: Lukas Bondevik  
From: Emil Steillson

Dear Norway,

Please let go of Denmark's tie. He still owes me money from when he went to the bar last week.

- Iceland

PS.: If you're wondering how I found out, here it is: I've installed security cameras in every room of Denmark's house for the very reason mentioned above.

* * *

To: Matthias Køhler  
From: Alfred F. Jones

The hero orders you to admit I am the greatest!

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: [Everyone]  
From: Arthur Kirkland

Ignore the hamburger-brain. I am the greatest and the most intelligent. Anyone who says differently will feel the wrath of the British Empire!

England

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Yao Wang

Sure. Bring it on.

China

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Francis Bonnefoy

Switzerland told you not to attack China. Now look who's in the asylum?

~ France

* * *

To: Francis Bonnefoy  
From: Arthur Kirkland

Shut up. You are a Francophile and you hate anything English. That makes you stupid.

England

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Francis Bonnefoy

You _are _mad. So I'm a Francophile because I hate British pirates?

~ France

* * *

To: Francis Bonnefoy  
From: Arthur Kirkland

You're a Francophile because you're French.

England

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Francis Bonnefoy

And you are a mindless idiot with no sense of individuality and trash for food. You also copy the styles in my country because you're too stupid to come up with your own. And you spend your nights drinking ale, which makes you a moron.

~ France

* * *

To: Francis Bonnefoy  
From: Arthur Kirkland

By the way, I still have a copy of that letter America sent you after we all visited your country a while back. Since your boss is sane I don't think he'd like to see it.

England

* * *

[Forwarded to: Francis Bonnefoy, from Arthur Kirkland]

To: Francis Bonnefoy  
From: Alfred F. Jones

France,

Please give me something to show that you're even heterosexual.

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Francis Bonnefoy

WHY DO YOU KEEP THINGS LIKE THAT?

~ France

* * *

To: Francis Bonnefoy  
From: CHINA IS THE GREATEST AND I AM A CHICKEN!

To blackmail you with, of course. Now, if only I had something on China, he's really annoying me these days.

England

* * *

To: [Everyone]  
From: Gilbert Beilschmidt  
PRUSSIA IS THE MOST AWESOME!

- THE MOST AWESOME: THE UNBELIEVABLY AND UNIMAGINABLY GREAT, INCREDIBLY AWESOME, AMAZING, AND HOLY KINGDOM OF PRUSSIA!

* * *

To: [Everyone]  
From: Yao Wang

Respect your elders! _I_ AM THE OLDEST! _I _AM THE GREATEST!

China

* * *

To: [Everyone]  
From: Alfred F. Jones

HEY! I'm the hero and only heroes are awesome! I'm the hero and only heroes are awesome!I'm the hero and only heroes are awesome!I'm the hero and only heroes are awesome!I'm the hero and only heroes are awesome! I'm the hero and only heroes are awesome!

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: [Everyone]  
From: CHINA IS THE GREATEST AND I AM A CHICKEN!

I AM THE GREATEST! BLAST ALL OF YOU OTHERS!

England

* * *

To: CHINA IS THE GREATEST AND I AM A CHICKEN!  
From: Yao Wang

No, you're a chicken.

China

* * *

To: Matthias Køhler, Lukas Bondevik, Alfred F. Jones, !, Francis Bonnefoy, Yao Wang, and Gilbert Beilschmidt  
From: Basch Zwingli

AHA! Caught you all doing it again! _What did I say about contradicting me?_

Switzerland

* * *

To: Basch Zwingli  
From: Lukas Bondevik, Alfred F. Jones, CHINA IS THE GREATEST AND I AM A CHICKEN! , Francis Bonnefoy, Yao Wang, and Gilbert Beilschmidt

Denmark started it.

- Norway, AMERICA THE HERO!, England, France, China and Prussia

* * *

**I admit I got a bit stereotypical at some points. Please excuse that. These keep getting longer and _longer_.**

**Ended up not adding Hungary and Seychelles, sorry.**

**-THE MOST AWESOME: THE UNBELIEVABLY AND UNIMAGINABLY GREAT, INCREDIBLY AWESOME, AMAZING, AND HOLY GEIRDRIFUL!**


	10. Part 10: One Particular Christmas

**CORRESPONDENCE BETWEEN HETALIANS 10**  
**One particular Christmas . . . .**

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Francis Bonnefoy 2

YOU SENT ME A _VIRUS?_

~ France

* * *

To: Francis Bonnefoy 2  
From: Arthur Kirkland

Yes, merry Christmas and I hope you like it. I sent one to China, too.

England

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Francis Bonnefoy 2

It somehow ruined both my computer _and _my e-mail. Curse you!

~ France

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Yao Wang 2

You will pay for this.

Paying someone to fix my things for me,

China

* * *

To: Ivan Braginski  
From: Natalia Arlovskaya

Marry me. Marry me. Marry me. Marry me. Marry me. Marry me. Marry me. Marry me. Marry me. Marry me. Marry me. Marry me. Marry me. Marry me. Marry me.

Love,  
Belarus

* * *

To: Ivan Braginski  
From: Katyusha Braginskaya

MERRY CHRISTMAS, brother Russia!  
I made you another scarf! Now you can give me total control of all your lands without guilt!

With love,  
Ukraine

* * *

To: Ludwig  
From: Gilbert Beilschmidt

Hallo, West! Merry Christmas!  
Guess what Hungary gave me for Christmas? A beating with the frying pan! I wonder if that means she likes me since I'm so awesome.

- THE AMAZINGLY AMAZING, INCREDIBLY INCREDIBLE, SHOCKINGLY AWESOME AND HOLY PRUSSIA!

* * *

To: Gilbert Beilschmidt  
From: Ludwig

And guess what I'm getting you for Christmas?  
An appointment with the psychiatrist.

Best regards,  
Germany

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Francis Bonnefoy

Haha, pirate! I got America to fix my computer and e-mail for me!

~ France

* * *

To: Francis Bonnefoy  
From: Arthur Kirkland

Oh, what a pity, then. That means I wasted 4,967,245,800 e-mails' worth of spam on the _wrong_ address. I guess I'll start again.

England

* * *

To: Ivan Braginski  
From: Alfred F. Jones

Hey Russia!  
Apparently you sent me a bomb, but that doesn't seem right since I'm the hero and people just don't send heroes bombs so I'm sending it back to you!  
Merry Christmas!

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Francis Bonnefoy  
From: Ivan Braginski

Happy blowing up.

Russia

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Francis Bonnefoy

Russia sent me a bomb and here it is!

~ France

* * *

To: [Cuba]  
From: Arthur Kirkland

Sorry, you were the first person I thought of.

- England

* * *

To: Matthew Williams  
From: [Cuba]

America you [CENSORED][CENSORED]! Here's the bomb I [CENSORED] owe you! I hope you enjoy exploding! Now I have to [CENSORED] leave since there's only about an hour left until the thing blows up in your [CENSORED] face!  
– Cuba

* * *

To: [Cuba]  
From: Matthew Williams

I'm _CANADA!_

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: [Cuba]

Thank you for the bomb, I enjoyed blowing up America.

– Cuba

* * *

To: Kiku Honda  
From: Yao Wang

No, you can't have Shantung.

– China

* * *

To: Yao Wang  
From: [Taiwan]

Recognize me as a country.

Taiwan

* * *

To: [Taiwan]  
From: Yao Wang

No. I don't want to.

– China

* * *

To: Yao Wang  
From: [Taiwan]

Peach blossoms.

Taiwan

* * *

To: [Taiwan]  
From: Yao Wang

_Peach blossoms?_

– China

* * *

[Spain's diary]

What I got for Christmas this year:

From North Itachan: tomatoes.  
From France: suspicious roses.  
From America: a bailout.  
From Britain: scones  
From Romano: broken ribs

Still waiting for Finland's present! I'm really excited!

* * *

To: Ludwig  
From: Feliciano Vargas

Hi Germany! Here's your present! I'm sure you'll love it!

Italy~

* * *

To: Feliciano Vargas  
From: Ludwig

Stop getting me mens' underwear!

Unimaginably sincerely,  
Germany

* * *

To: [Everyone]  
From: Tino Väinämöinen

Hi! Merry Christmas, everyone!  
I hope you're all enjoying Christmas so far! This year I got each of you something _extra_ special, so look forward to it! A few notes:  
Germany, Denmark, Prussia, and Latvia: I wasn't sure how much alcohol you all wanted, so I've left a few hundred boxes at Helsinki. Feel free to take as many as you want!  
Russia: I've left one-hundred-and-five crates of vodka and sunflowers _just_outside your territory!

Again, merry Christmas!

– Finland

* * *

To: Tino Väinämöinen  
From: Emil Steilsson

Dear Finland,

I don't think you should have done what you did with the alcohol. I don't know if you saw, but Helsinki was a _massacre_.

Iceland

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Matthias Køhler

gvjhy iMIL7SFDL hndhgffhgdgfgvd

* * *

To: Matthias Køhler  
From: Arthur Kirkland

What? Is that some kind of secret code?

– England

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Emil Steilsson

Dear Britain,

I apologize if Denmark has sent you any odd e-mails. He _said_ he was going to thank you for the ale you sent him, but Norway caught him banging his head against the keyboard and spluttering nonsense. We're _still_cleaning the vomit off my brother's clothes.

Unhappily,  
Iceland

* * *

To: Tino Väinämöinen  
From: Emil Steilsson

Dear Finland,

Was there some weird chemical in the beer you gave out? We've already received letters from Britain, Japan, Austria and Estonia. Apparently Denmark decided to vomit all over Britain's lawn, Germany won't stop singing some beer song, Prussia is trying to eat Austria's piano, and Latvia keeps going around flapping his arms and laughing for no reason.

Extremely concerned,  
Iceland

* * *

To: Yao Wang  
From: Alfred F. Jones

Merry Christmas! How did you like the book I got you? "The Great Wall and the Empty Fortress!"

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Yao Wang

You [CENSORED][CENSORED][CENSORED]! I ought to pulverize you, you [CENSORED][CENSORED]! How dare you publish something which is almost completely about my nonexistent weakness? [CENSORED][CENSORED][CENSORED]! [CENSORED] you! [CENSORED][CENSORED][CENSORED][CENSORED]! Curse you, America! [CENSORED][CENSORED][CENSORED][CENSORED]!  
– China

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Alfred F. Jones

I am sorry to inform you that you no longer hold the top spot in pottymouthship.

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: [Everyone]  
From: Ludwig

Ten million bottles of beer on the wall! BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEER!

* * *

To: Kiku Honda  
From: Arthur Kirkland

Why has Germany turned into a taller version of the pasta idiot?

– England

* * *

[Spain's diary]

What I got from Finland this Christmas: a book on how to stop being a pedophile.

* * *

**Other Random Notes:**

**I just watched HetaHazard 17. **

**Initial reaction: Ah. . . _mansion + creepy freaks + everyone is stuck in mansion = HetaOni_ . . . wait, _what_? This is Heta_Hazard! _**

**Did anyone else reach the same conclusion or am I just off?**

**By the way, do you all like HetaOni or HetaHazard more (if you've watched them)? I rather like the latter more.**

* * *

To: Santa Claus

From: Alfred F. Jones

OLD HAGRID?

- AMERICA THE HERO!


	11. Part 11

CORRESPONDENCE BETWEEN HETALIANS 11

* * *

To: [Europe]  
From: Alfred F. Jones

Hey guys! How did all of you spend the week? I got stuck in negotiations and stuff.

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Francis Bonnefoy

We had a party and had fun. Ha!

~ France

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Arthur Kirkland

We had a party and France got sick and didn't come.

England

PS.: I finally changed my name back.

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones and Arthur Kirkland  
From: Francis Bonnefoy

Hey! It's a good thing I did (get sick)! Who wants to go to some pirate's queen's Diamond Jubilee, anyway?

~ France

* * *

To: Francis Bonnefoy  
From: Arthur Kirkland

Oh shut up, frog. I saw it on your news sites. It was all over the place.

England

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland and Francis Bonnefoy  
From: Alfred F. Jones

Do you two monitor each others' outgoing mail or something?

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Francis Bonnefoy

Of course.

~ France

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Arthur Kirkland

Yes. I monitor the outgoing mail of all the irritating people.

England

* * *

To: Yao Wang  
From: [Vietnam]

You're _very _annoying, you know.

Vietnam

* * *

To: [Vietnam]  
From: Yao Wang

Why does everyone hate me? Indonesia, Japan and Taiwan don't like me, either. I want a solid reason for why that is.

– China

* * *

To: Yao Wang  
From: [Vietnam]

Link: 1000reasonswhywehatechina

Password: DIJOBTTUVQJE

Enjoy,  
Vietnam

* * *

To: [Vietnam]  
From: Yao Wang

You have an _organization _dedicated to hating me?

– China

* * *

To: Yao Wang  
From: [Vietnam]

It's top secret so shush. There's one for Britain and France, too.

Vietnam

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Alfred F. Jones

I've set up a system to keep you from getting access to my mail.

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Arthur Kirkland

Ah, so you finally acknowledge the fact that you're annoying.

England

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Alfred F. Jones

Nah, I'm just acknowledging the fact that you think I'm annoying, which is completely unreasonable.

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: [Everyone]  
From: [Cyprus]

Hi, I don't want to antagonize anyone, but... bailout, please?

Cyprus

* * *

To: [Everyone]  
From: Feliciano Vargas

Oh! Can I have a bailout, too? Yayy.

Italy~

* * *

To: Feliciano Vargas  
From: Ludwig

Maybe, but AT LEAST _TRY _TO SOLVE THE PROBLEM, FIRST!

Germany

* * *

To: Ludwig  
From: Feliciano Vargas

But it's a lot of work.

Italy~

* * *

To: Feliciano Vargas  
From: Ludwig

Good! You need more work to do. All the exercise you get comes from some form of retreat.

Germany

* * *

To: [Europe]  
From: Feliks Łukasiewicz

HA! Remember in 2009 when I like actually grew economically and left you all in the dust? HA HA HA HA!

Poland

* * *

To: Feliks Łukasiewicz  
From: Toris Laurinaitis

Yes, but why are you bringing this up _three years later_?

Lithuania

* * *

To: Toris Laurinaitis  
From: Feliks Łukasiewicz

I don't know, I just like woke up today and felt like aserting the fact that I was better than like all of the rest of you so yeah.

Poland

* * *

To: Feliks Łukasiewicz  
From: Toris Laurinaitis

Dear Poland,

"Assert" is spelled A-S-S-E-R-T. Since we're using English, we ought to make sure our spelling is correct or we might end up like America. I heard from Britain that he can't even spell his full name, the United States of America, but since it's Britain, he might be exaggerating.

Lithuania

* * *

To: Toris Laurinaitis  
From: Feliks Łukasiewicz

Whatever.

* * *

To: [Lithuania's Boss]  
From: Toris Laurinaitis

Dear Boss,  
Ah, people used to write letters with some _content_, letters that were worth _reading_. I don't know if you've noticed, but now with the invention of e-mail, it's often just a one-word reply like "whatever" or "oh." Makes you kind of nostalgic, doesn't it?

Lithuania

* * *

To: Toris Laurinaitis  
From: [Lithuania]

Oh.

* * *

To: [Everyone]  
From: Heracles Karpusi

I need another loan, please. I can't even afford medicines anymore.

Greece

* * *

To: Heracles Karpusi  
From: Arthur Kirkland

Which loan is this? The fiftieth?

England

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Heracles Karpusi

I don't know. I've lost count.

Greece

* * *

To: [Everyone]  
From: Francis Bonnefoy

Hey everyone, get a load of this: I just found a bunch of letters from Britain's Admiral John Fisher to Winston Churchill! Look at the beginnings: "My beloved Winston"? Mon dieu! And the signatures, too: "Yours till Hell freezes," "Yours till charcoal sprouts"?  
And the hypocrite said his country was _clean_of these things!

~ France

* * *

To: Francis Bonnefoy  
From: Arthur Kirkland

Dear mindless imbecile from across the English Channel,  
Two points:  
Point 1: I never said my country was clean of these things, I just said that the sheer number of homosexuals in your country was completely unimaginable in mine.  
Point 2: Sir John Fisher is _not _gay.

England

* * *

**Random note: Okay, so in HetaOni England goes blind when he uses too much magic to defeat Gigantic Steve, but later _Spain _beats a bunch of other Steves AND a Gigantic Steve while protecting that useless Romano and he ends up fine. And in HetaHazard it looks likeSpain's going to be the one to save everyone. Is it just me or is there a hint of favoritism there?**

**By the way, I've added a poll (experimenting).**


	12. Part 12: Asia

**CORRESPONDENCE BETWEEN HETALIANS 12**  
**ASIA**

* * *

**"Asia is not going to be civilized after the methods of the West. There is too much Asia and she is too old."**

- Rudyard Kipling

* * *

To: Yao Wang  
From: [Taiwan]

Dear China,  
The Constitution of the Republic of China says that the Republic of China has sole government over the whole of China. So hand over control, please.

Taiwan

* * *

To: [Taiwan]  
From: Yao Wang

My nukes say the People's Republic of China gets government over my country.

China

* * *

To: Yao Wang  
From: [Taiwan]

You can hardly blow up the whole island and not get people like America angry.

Taiwan

* * *

To: [Taiwan]  
From: Yao Wang

But I _can_ threaten to cut off any relations with America and ruin him because he needs my country's cheap labor.  
For anyone else I can just threaten to blow _them_up. :)

China

* * *

To: Kiku Honda  
From: [Taiwan]

China is creepy.

* * *

To: [Taiwan]  
From: Kiku Honda

Don't worry, he's less creepy when he has his face stuck in the mud like in 1895. Although he was kind of scary-looking when I took Shandong province from Germany...  
Or you could humiliate him by publicising his door-lacking restroom stall problem.

Japan

* * *

To: Yao Wang  
From: Im Yong Soo

Oy! Don't forget that Confucius is Korean!

* * *

To: Im Yong Soo  
From: Yao Wang

In your dreams.

China

* * *

To: Yao Wang  
From: Im Yong Soo

WAH? I only dream about beating you and Japan up!

South Korea

* * *

To: [Everyone]  
From: Alfred F. Jones

Click here to see the GDP list for 2000~2011!

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Kiku Honda  
From: Yao Wang

HA! Now you see how much better than you I am.

China

* * *

To: Yao Wang  
From: Kiku Honda

There's only a difference of $1134000 million between the GDPs of the two of us. So you're saying that you're hardly better than I am.

Japan

* * *

To: Kiku Honda  
From: Yao Wang

Oh shut up, you're annoying.

China

* * *

To: Yao Wang  
From: Kiku Honda

I'm sorry.

Sincerely,  
Japan

* * *

To: [Taiwan]  
From: Yao Wang

I know it's you who taped those flyers about my restrooms all over the meeting room, since everyone else was out rescuing South Korea from the video game store clerk. Try that again and Ilha Formosa goes boom.

China

* * *

To: Yao Wang  
From: [Taiwan]

Japan suggested it! Why is that the only thing you ever say?

Taiwan

* * *

To: Yao Wang  
From: Im Yong Soo

PANDAS ARE CREEPY!

– South Korea

* * *

To: Im Yong Soo  
From: Yao Wang

They are not! Take that back now, pandas are wonderful!

– China

* * *

To: Yao Wang  
From: Im Yong Soo

WHAT? You mean you haven't seen those freaky Panda Cheese commercials? It was creepy! Whenever someone refuses Panda Cheese, the creepy panda just pops up and causes mass destruction! Like when this guy didn't want the cheese the panda just knocked down the guy's cart and started smashing all his groceries! And another time at the hospital, HE JUST PULLED OUT THE IV LINE! And even worse, _HE DEMOLISHED THE TV_!

Freaked,  
South Korea

* * *

To: Im Yong Soo  
From: Yao Wang

Not all pandas are like that, incompetent.

– China

* * *

To: Yao Wang  
From: Kaoru

Britain says you're an idiot.

Hong Kong

* * *

To: Kaoru  
From: Yao Wang

I hope you're not listening to him! He's an idiot himself, with all those wars he gets himself into.

China

* * *

To: Yao Wang  
From: Kaoru

He thought you might say that, so he told me to tell you that at least he won most of them, unlike you, since you lost almost all the wars you fought with other countries, like the Opium War, the First Sino-Japanese War, and the Sino-French War. In fact, he says that the only war he remembers you winning is the Second Sino-Japanese War, and that was with America's help.

Hong Kong

* * *

To: Kaoru  
From: Yao Wang

Don't let him corrupt your mind!

– China

* * *

To: Kiku Honda  
From: Yao Wang

What have you done to Taiwan? Now she's almost as weird/perverted as you are!

– China

* * *

To: Yao Wang  
From: Kiku Honda

Really? I apologise again...

Japan

* * *

To: Yao Wang  
From: Im Yong Soo

GAH ANIKI! You're wrong! I went to the zoo to see the pandas today and the fat thing tried to eat me!

South Korea

* * *

To: Im Yong Soo  
From: Yao Wang

That's because you smashed down the door to go _inside _and see them and made it panic.

China

* * *

To: Yao Wang  
From: Im Yong Soo

What? I just wanted to say hi!

South Korea

* * *

**When I looked back at this thing I started thinking: I wonder if I should have called this 'The Chronicles of China' instead. **

**I'm sorry, I'm running out of ideas. I'm sure you must see the thinly veiled plea.**

**Random fact: There are nasty signs all over the place in some places of Taiwan, and then there's the betel nut shops... But don't let me discourage you from visiting, there are many nice places. Taiwan is 24th place on the 'List of countries by GDP.'**

**Random irrelevant fact: According to Google Docs, 'Prussia' isn't a word.**


	13. Part 13

**CORRESPONDENCE BETWEEN HETALIANS 13**

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Alfred F. Jones

DON'T FEED MY ATHLETES CRAP WHEN THEY GO OVER TO YOUR PLACE FOR THE OLYMPICS!  
You know, I don't understand why I e-mail you instead of simply stomping over to your house.

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Arthur Kirkland

It's because you're so incredibly obese that it is excruciating for you to even stand up.  
And I am _not_ going to feed them crap. _Scones_ are _not _crap.

England

* * *

To: Francis Bonnefoy  
From: Alfred F. Jones

THIS IS FOR THE GOOD OF OUR PEOPLE!  
PROCEED TO ERADICATE ENGLAND'S SCONE SUPPLY!

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Francis Bonnefoy

What's that magic word?

~ France

* * *

To: Francis Bonnefoy  
From: Alfred F. Jones

Please?

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Francis Bonnefoy

No. It's "France is the second greatest and most gorgeous." I can't say "greatest" because Switzerland will skin me alive.

~ France

* * *

To: Francis Bonnefoy  
From: Alfred F. Jones

That's 8 words, France...

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Alfred F. Jones

Hey England, you remember those gloppy white thingies who visited a while ago and messed up the Statue of Liberty? Well, dont freak out but... I got this weird message from one of them. I've attached it here. Could you translate it?

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

[Forwarded from Alfred F. Jones to Arthur Kirkland]

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: ◱◱◱◱◱

◱◱◱◱◱◱, [Unable to decode]

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Arthur Kirkland

It says, "Beware, Switzerland will get extremely rich, Greece will fall asleep fuehifehiu

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Alfred F. Jones

That's all? Well, nothing surprising! You can send it to everyone else.

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Arthur Kirkland

No, that's not all. I fell asleep myself and accidentally sent the letter. The rest is this: "And America is over 225 pounds. Signed, Picty."

England

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Alfred F. Jones

On second thought. DON'T send it to everyone else. Destroy it.

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Lili Zwingli  
From: Francis Bonnefoy

Hey Liechtenstein, you want to be just like you big brother, don't you? Well, did you know that once he stole a whole crate of jewels from me?

~ France

* * *

To: Francis Bonnefoy  
From: Lili Zwingli

Did he really do that? I don't think he would...

Liechtenstein

* * *

To: Lili Zwingli  
From: Francis Bonnefoy

Sure! He snatched it from right under my nose!

~ France

* * *

To: Gilbert Beilschmidt  
From: Elizabeta Héderváry

Stop harassing Austria, will you?

Hungary

* * *

To: Elizabeta Héderváry  
From: Gilbert Beilschmidt

What? But he doesn't seem to mind. He just starts playing some song by "Chopping" or someone whenever I go near him. Any anyways, what have you got to do with it?

- THE AMAZINGLY AMAZING, INCREDIBLY AWESOME PRUSSIA!

* * *

To: Gilbert Beilschmidt  
From: Elizabeta Héderváry

It's because of Austria's complete inability to do anything really by himself that I have to interfere in order to preserve peace.

Hungary

* * *

To: Elizabeta Héderváry  
From: Gilbert Beilschmidt

But I have basically nothing better to do since West took over!

- THE AMAZINGLY AMAZING, INCREDIBLY AWESOME AND UNIMAGINABLY GREAT AND HOLY KINDGDOM OF PRUSSIA!

* * *

To: Gilbert Beilschmidt  
From: Elizabeta Héderváry

Then go and kill yourself. Or would you like me to help you along? I have a nice collection of various sharp objects and cooking utensils I could beat you to death with.

Best regards,  
Hungary

PS.: ...Why is it that your signature is longer than your message?

* * *

To: Lili Zwingli  
From: Peter Kirkland

Dear Liechtenstein,

That was a really lovely parrot you had yesterday! Where did you get it?

Sealand

* * *

To: Peter Kirkland  
From: Lili Zwingli

I stole it.

Liechtenstein

* * *

To: Lili Zwingli  
From: Peter Kirkland

Oh WOW! Really? Fat Britain still won't teach me how to steal, which is completely unreasonable since he used to be a pirate. How did you manage it?

Sealand

* * *

To: Peter Kirkland  
From: Lili Zwingli

I went to the store, took the parrot, and paid the clerk.

Liechtenstein

* * *

To: Lili Zwingli  
From: Peter Kirkland

Wait, but if you paid the clerk, how is it stealing?

Confusedly,  
Sealand

* * *

To: Peter Kirkland  
From: Lili Zwingli

I paid the clerk to stay quiet.

Liechtenstein

* * *

To: [Hutt River]  
From: Peter Kirkland

Some people are morally incapable of doing perfectly normal things. *Sigh*

Sealand

* * *

To: Peter Kirkland  
From: [Hutt River]

Like what normal things?

Hutt River

* * *

To:[Hutt River]  
From: Peter Kirkland

Like stealing and stuff! I asked Liechtenstein where she got that parrot we saw yesterday, and she said she'd stolen it, but it turned out she was faking. She said something about "paying the clerk to stay quiet."

Sealand

* * *

To: Peter Kirkland  
From: [Hutt River]

_Stealing_? What has Britain been doing to you?

Hutt River

* * *

To: [Hutt River]  
From: Peter Kirkland

What do you mean? People steal stuff all the time! I think it'd be a useful skill to learn. And besides, England was always robbing people when he was a pirate and now he's such a gentleman. There seem to be good results.

Sealand

* * *

To: [Wy], [Seborga], [Kugelmugel], [Ladonia], and [Molossia]  
From: [Hutt River]

Dear fellow micronations,

We need to call a meeting later, it's about Sealand's sanity. I'm afraid he's going crazy like Britain is.

Yours,  
Hutt River

* * *

To: Basch Zwingli  
From: Lili Zwingli

Dear Big Brother,

Is it true that you once stole diamonds from Mr. France? I hope it isn't.

Liechtenstein

* * *

To: Lili Zwingli  
From: Basch Zwingli

In a sense, yes. But they were my diamonds. The frog took them from _me_ first, so I decided to get them back.  
I hope this answer satisfies you.

Switzerland

* * *

To: Basch Zwingli  
From: Lili Zwingli

Dear Big Brother,

Yes, it does. Do you mind if I ask Miss Hungary to bash in Mr. France's head for me?

Liechtenstein

* * *

**And there it is. A collection of all my old ideas plus a few new ones on the micronations. **

**In response to Lilypad the Fourth: frankly, Google doesn't recognise any of the micronations, in fact, the word "micronations" is underlined red right here. Ouch. That's very unfortunate.**

**As for the idea to write a chapter on the girls, I've considered it, but the only things I can come up with are on Taiwan's relations with China*, and frankly, China is a male. Sorry. **

*****You know,

China bombs aimed at Taiwan/ROC.

If ROC declares independence [boom] goes Ilha Formosa (no help from U.S. here).

But if PRC attacks ROC first U.S. interferes and PRC is probably the one who goes [boom].

Very unfortunate. Though they do have this 1992 Consensus thing, it'll probably only maintain peace for a while longer. **  
**


	14. Part 14: The American Revolutionary War

**CORRESPONDENCE BETWEEN HETALIANS 14 **

**The American War for Independence**

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Alfred F. Jones

Oy! Get rid of that Stamp Act! taxation without representation is illegal! You can't just tax us like that, miserly chicken!

- AMERICA THE INDEPENDENT

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Arthur Kirkland

1: If I say it's legal it is.  
2: Actually, I can, since you're technically still British and I can order you around.  
3: You're not independent.  
4: Tea is essential! How dare you destroy _tea_? You can mutilate French cuisine all you want but TEA? I'm taking over Massachusetts.  
And lastly: Capitalise the 't' in 'taxation.'

England

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Alfred F. Jones

AHA! Pushed you back from Concord! And I beat you at the Battle of Lexington, too! AHA! Stinker! I'll bet you're shaking in your boots now! BEHOLD THE POWER OF AMERICA!

- AMERICA THE TOTALLY INDEPENDENT

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Arthur Kirkland

Dear America,

No, I'm not shaking in my boots at all. In fact, I think you're the one who is hugging his pyjamas like a stuffed animal like you used to do when you were too terrified to get out of _bed_. And for the second time, you're not independent. And another thing, the "Battle of Lexington" was hardly even a skirmish, and you didn't win at all. So stop deifying yourself in the textbooks you are so obviously writing right now, prat.

England

PS.: Your little Congress is now labelled "traitors."

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Arthur Kirkland

When in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.  
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. — That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, — That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn, that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security.  
[Click to see the rest]

- AMERICA THE INDEPENDENT HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Arthur Kirkland

You really are pathetic. Except one thing:

DON'T INSULT MY KING, GORMLESS IDIOT.  
I will proceed to mobilise the Loyalists.

England

* * *

[**1777** and early **1778**] **February 6th, 1778: Treaty of Alliance between France and America, formalising the alliance negotiated by good ol' Ben Franklin.**

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Alfred F. Jones

BOOYAH! Captured the British Army at Saratoga! Now France is helping me because of it! Of course, him and Spain and that Dutch Republic dude had already been supplying me since 1776 ( Latouche Tréville is awesome!), but whatever! at least I have more troops now! You stink!

- AMERICA THE INDEPENDENT HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Arthur Kirkland

'Booyah?' How first grade.  
Capitalise the 'a' in 'at.'

England

* * *

**[1779]** **June 1779: Spain enters the war.**

* * *

To: King George III  
From: Arthur Kirkland

HE GOT THAT MINDLESS PERVERTED FROG TO JOIN _MY_WAR. That's completely unfair, that perverted idiot homosexual isn't even involved. And there's that moron's friends the tomato idiot SPAIN and the DUTCH REPUBLIC. UNFAIR. And France and Spain have this annoyingly massive Armada and they might invade Britain. [CENSORED][CENSORED][CENSORED]!

England

PS.: Although I think Spain just wants Florida back.

* * *

**[1779]**

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Francis Bonnefoy

AHA! Spain and I are planning on seizing the Isle of Wight with America's Continental Navy's help and ultimately take your Portsmouth, which I get to keep! Good luck, black sheep of Europe!

~ France

* * *

To: King George III  
From: Arthur Kirkland

Bravo! France just told me his entire plan when I made fun of his tactics!

England

* * *

To: Antonio Fernandez Carriedo  
From: Francis Bonnefoy

You know what, I think we should just call off this invasion thing after all. We keep losing men to diseases and sickness but if we postpone this thing any longer, we'll run into the British winter (which is nasty, just like him). Let's just go back to Brest.

~ France

* * *

**And so they gave up the invasion.**

* * *

**[1781]**

* * *

To: King George III  
From: Arthur Kirkland

FRANCE WON AT CHESAPEAKE! WHY IS HE SO DAMN SMART? j,hjmhjmvHJDHYXTG  
VNJSJ [CENSORED]![CENSORED]! hjugb bg frggd dsthy56y8uik

ONE OF MY ARMIES HAD TO SURRENDER AT YORKTOWN. ARRGHGH.

England

* * *

**[1782]**

* * *

To: King George III  
From: Arthur Kirkland

Battle of the Saintes won. France and Spain are so stupid.

England

* * *

**[1783]**

* * *

[Treaty of Paris]

In the name of the most holy and undivided Trinity.  
It having pleased the Divine Providence to dispose the hearts of the most serene and most potent Prince George the Third, by the grace of God, king of Great Britain, France, and Ireland, defender of the faith, duke of Brunswick and Lunebourg, arch- treasurer and prince elector of the Holy Roman Empire etc., and of the United States of America, to forget all past misunderstandings and differences that have unhappily interrupted the good correspondence and friendship which they mutually wish to restore, and to establish such a beneficial and satisfactory intercourse , between the two countries upon the ground of reciprocal advantages and mutual convenience as may promote and secure to both perpetual peace and harmony; and having for this desirable end already laid the foundation of peace and reconciliation by the Provisional Articles signed at Paris on the 30th of November 1782, by the commissioners empowered on each part, which articles were agreed to be inserted in and constitute the Treaty of Peace proposed to be concluded between the Crown of Great Britain and the said United States, but which treaty was not to be concluded until terms of peace should be agreed upon between Great Britain and France and his Britannic Majesty should be ready to conclude such treaty accordingly; and the treaty between Great Britain and France having since been concluded, his Britannic Majesty and the United States of America, in order to carry into full effect the Provisional Articles above mentioned, according to the tenor thereof, have constituted and appointed, that is to say his Britannic Majesty on his part, David Hartley, Esqr., member of the Parliament of Great Britain, and the said United States on their part, John Adams, Esqr., late a commissioner of the United States of America at the court of Versailles, late delegate in Congress from the state of Massachusetts, and chief justice of the said state, and minister plenipotentiary of the said United States to their high mightinesses the States General of the United Netherlands; Benjamin Franklin, Esqr., late delegate in Congress from the state of Pennsylvania, president of the convention of the said state, and minister plenipotentiary from the United States of America at the court of Versailles; John Jay, Esqr., late president of Congress and chief justice of the state of New York, and minister plenipotentiary from the said United States at the court of Madrid; to be plenipotentiaries for the concluding and signing the present definitive treaty; who after having reciprocally communicated their respective full powers have agreed upon and confirmed the following articles.

[Click to see following articles]

* * *

To: King George III  
From: Arthur Kirkland

Dammit. I lost all of the colonies.  
Still, some good news is that the war thoroughly ruined France's economy and drove him into a massive sinkhole of debt. I'll be laughing into a megaphone pointed at France for the next ten hours so please excuse me.

England

* * *

**Some of the dates might be wrong since I tried to put it all into letters and, well, it all got a bit messed up. Please forgive me and tell me if I made any mistakes. **

**Or if you want me to add anything. **

**Notes: **There was this Treaty of Aranjuez (April 2, 1779) between France and Spain, in which France agreed to aid in the capture of Gibraltar, the Floridas, and the island of Minorca, and Spain agreed to help France fight Britain.

**Thanks to IcarusWing for the idea. **

**Any other wars you'd all like me to do?**

**Even more slightly irrelevant notes: **When India found out in 1778 that France had joined the war, the British East India Company decided to take French colonial outposts in India, getting Pondicherry after two months. The capture of the French-controlled port of Mahe on India's west coast got Mysore's ruler, Hyder Ali, to start the **Second Anglo-Mysore War (1780)**. Ali, and eventually his son Tipu Sultan, nearly chased the British out of southern India but was frustrated by weak French support (how surprising), and the war ended status quo ante bellum with the Treaty of Mangalore (1784).


	15. Part 15: The War of 1812

**CORRESPONDENCE BETWEEN HETALIANS 15**  
**The Anglo-American War of 1812 to 1815**

******Edit: **I owe a thank you to Guest as I neglected to include the Battle of New Orleans (Jan. 8 1815), which was fought _after_ the Treaty of Ghent was signed. For the record, Britain lost terribly.

* * *

**The causes:**

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Alfred F. Jones

HEY! Just because you don't like me and France doesn't mean you can restrict our trade! It doesn't matter that you're fighting a war with France and you're probably in a really bad mood, or that I present a threat to your maritime supremacy! You just can't do that!

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Arthur Kirkland

Why don't you just reread what you wrote?

England

PS.: Why are you trying to annex Canada?

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Alfred F. Jones

1) What?  
2) I'm not.

And the Indians, too. Why are you supporting their raids on me?

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Arthur Kirkland

They're _Native Americans_, moron. Because I don't like you.

England

* * *

**[1812]**

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Alfred F. Jones

_Be it enacted by the Senate and House of Representatives of the United States of America in Congress assembled_, That war be and is hereby declared to exist between the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Ireland and the dependencies thereof, and the United States of America and their territories; and that the President of the United States is hereby authorized to use the whole land and naval force of the United States to carry the same into effect, and to issue to private armed vessels of the United States commissions or letters of marque and general reprisal, in such form as he shall think proper, and under the seal of the United States, against the vessels, goods, and effects of the government of the said United Kingdom of Great Britain and Ireland, and the subjects thereof.

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Arthur Kirkland

This is a very bad time to declare war, you know! I'm trying to fight that frog France and his fat overrated idiot boss Napo-something at the moment, you inconsiderate fool.

England

PS.: Do you even have the soldiers to do it? I heard you only had about 12000 men.

* * *

**[July 12, 1812]**

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Alfred F. Jones

Just shut up and prepare to lose Sandwich **[Windsor, Ontario]**.

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

**[August 1812]**

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Arthur KIrkland

Oh, deary me! It seems like I've lost Sandwich! What a pity - oh wait! I've just noticed! _You had to retreat to Detroit and surrender_! To me! Who would've thought it, with your _wonderfully trained,_ WELL-equipped, _experienced_militia!

England

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Alfred F. Jones

Shut it.

* * *

**[Several months later: October 13]**

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Arthur Kirkland

My, my! It looks like you've lost again. Just when will you give up trying to take Canada? 3014?

England

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Alfred F. Jones

AT LEAST I KILLED ISAAC BROCK AT QUEENSTON HEIGHTS!

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Arthur Kirkland

Oh wow! I _only_ KILLED _100_ of your troops, WOUNDED _170_, and CAPTURED_ 835_!

England

* * *

**[1813]**

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Alfred F. Jones

Ha. I've kicked out Secretary of War William Eustis since he stinks. Now John Armstrong, Jr outta be able to beat you.

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Arthur Kirkland

Oh, but we still have Montreal. You didn't _really _expect to win, did you?

England

* * *

To: John Armstrong Jr.  
From: Alfred F. Jones

Hurry up and win something! Britain's sarcasm is getting on my nerves.

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

**[September]**

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: King George III

You mean he actually managed to win a battle?

- George the Third, by the Grace of God, of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Ireland King, Defender of the Faith

* * *

To: King George III  
From: Arthur Kirkland

Are you sure that's the tone a king would use?

England

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: King George III

I desire what is good. Therefore, everyone who does not agree with me is a traitor.

- George the Third, by the Grace of God, of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Ireland King, Defender of the Faith

* * *

To: James Madison  
From: Alfred F. Jones

I WON! I WON LAKE ERIE! WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: James Madison

Congratulations, now please stop behaving like a child.

James Madison

* * *

To: James Madison  
From: Alfred F. Jones

Wait, so I'm not one?

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

**[1814]**

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Alfred F. Jones

YOU BURNED MY CAPITAL TO THE GROUND! Why would you DO something like that? Letting you raid my coast whenever you wanted is one thing, but BURNING MY CAPITAL? THAT WAS MEAN! WAHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I'm going to burn your capital, too!

- AMERICA THE SAD HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Arthur Kirkland

Get across the _ocean _first, moron.

England

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Alfred F. Jones

On the other hand, I could just capture your merchant ships.

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

**And so they captured 219 British merchant ships and damaged British commercial interests. I'm surprised they actually managed to do it.**

**[April 6, 1814]**

* * *

To: Francis Bonnefoy  
From: Arthur Kirkland

Bravo! I beat you AGAIN! Now I can _finally_ focus on that little sideshow America has me fighting.  
THANKS AGAIN FOR LOSING, NITWIT!

England

* * *

**[Later]**

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Alfred F. Jones

Aha! Beat you back from New York! Doesn't matter that I didn't get Canada! BOOYAH!

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Arthur Kirkland

Ah, fine, I'll end the trade restrictions and impressment of your sailors. Fair enough?

England

PS.: DON'T do the "booyah" thing. It's . . . crude.

* * *

[Treaty of Ghent]

Treaty of Peace and Amity between His Britannic Majesty and the United States of America.  
His Britannic Majesty and the United States of America desirous of terminating the war which has unhappily subsisted between the two Countries, and of restoring upon principles of perfect reciprocity, Peace, Friendship, and good Understanding between them, have for that purpose appointed their respective Plenipotentiaries, that is to say, His Britannic Majesty on His part has appointed the Right Honourable James Lord Gambier, late Admiral of the White now Admiral of the Red Squadron of His Majesty's Fleet; Henry Goulburn Esquire, a Member of the Imperial Parliament and Under Secretary of State; and William Adams Esquire, Doctor of Civil Laws: And the President of the United States, by and with the advice and consent of the Senate thereof, has appointed John Quincy Adams, James A. Bayard, Henry Clay, Jonathan Russell, and Albert Gallatin, Citizens of the United States; who, after a reciprocal communication of their respective Full Powers, have agreed upon the following Articles.

**ARTICLE THE FIRST.**  
There shall be a firm and universal Peace between His Britannic Majesty and the United States, and between their respective Countries, Territories, Cities, Towns, and People of every degree without exception of places or persons. All hostilities both by sea and land shall cease as soon as this Treaty shall have been ratified by both parties as hereinafter mentioned. All territory, places, and possessions whatsoever taken by either party from the other during the war, or which may be taken after the signing of this Treaty, excepting only the Islands hereinafter mentioned, shall be restored without delay and without causing any destruction or carrying away any of the Artillery or other public property originally captured in the said forts or places, and which shall remain therein upon the Exchange of the Ratifications of this Treaty, or any Slaves or other private property; And all Archives, Records, Deeds, and Papers, either of a public nature or belonging to private persons, which in the course of the war may have fallen into the hands of the Officers of either party, shall be, as far as may be practicable, forthwith restored and delivered to the proper authorities and persons to whom they respectively belong. Such of the Islands in the Bay of Passamaquoddy as are claimed by both parties shall remain in the possession of the party in whose occupation they may be at the time of the Exchange of the Ratifications of this Treaty until the decision respecting the title to the said Islands shall have been made in conformity with the fourth Article of this Treaty. No disposition made by this Treaty as to such possession of the Islands and territories claimed by both parties shall in any manner whatever be construed to affect the right of either.

[Click to see rest]

* * *

Please note that it took about two months for news of the peace treaty to reach the United States, so they kept fighting for two months after the treaty was signed.  
Also, there are three different views on who won the war.  
One is that the war ended in a stalemate.  
A second view is that Britain won and America lost, since the British achieved their military goals (stopping the repeated American invasions of Canada) and Canada remained independent. On the other hand, America failed to seize Canada ( a war goal of theirs).  
A third view is that both America and Britain won the war and the Native Americans lost.

* * *

To: [Troops]

From: Arthur Kirkland

YOU MORONS, THE WAR'S OVER! THERE DIDN'T HAVE TO BE A BATTLE OF NEW ORLEANS!

England

* * *

**And there it is. Sorry for the (really) late update, the final exams were coming up and I had to study (school's a pain). I'll try to update again real soon. Ideas of any kind still appreciated.**

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Alfred F. Jones

HEY! Remember the War of 1812? I totally beat you in the end!

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Arthur Kirkland

What? I had a war with you in 1812?

England

* * *

To: Matthew Williams  
From: Alfred F. Jones

He doesn't even remember...

* * *

**END.**


	16. Part 16: HetaOni and debts

**CORRESPONDENCE BETWEEN HETALIANS 16**

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Arthur Kirkland

You still owe me 834.5 billion euros.

England

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Alfred F. Jones

YES I KNOW! Now will you shut up about it? You owe me too!

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Arthur Kirkland

Maybe, but not as much as you owe me. Your foreign debt is the highest of everyone. I must say I was laughing when I saw the Eurozone debt web.

England

* * *

To: Francis Bonnefoy  
From: Arthur Kirkland

You owe me 227 billion euros. Fork it over.

England

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Francis Bonnefoy

I CAN'T! Why would I borrow from you in the first place if I had the money, you idiot? Perhaps you should use your money to acquire some brain cells! By the way, You owe me €€€ too! Pay it back.

~ France

* * *

To: Francis Bonnefoy  
From: Arthur Kirkland

I CAN'T! Why would I borrow from you in the first place if I had the money, you idiot? Perhaps you should use your money to acquire some brain cells! By the way, You owe me €€€ too! Pay it back.

England

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Francis Bonnefoy

Punk.

* * *

To: Francis Bonnefoy  
From: Arthur Kirkland

Wino.

* * *

To: Yao Wang and Ivan Braginski  
From: Alfred F. Jones

Why is it that you two don't owe anyone a significant amount of $$$ even though you're Commies?

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Yao Wang

I know how to make money while you only know how to spend it. By the way, will you stop grouping me with the creep as "Commies?" There's a significant difference between the types of Communism in our countries. And there's the fact that he went flat broke while I went on to get rich!

- China

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Alfred F. Jones

Why is it that every time I correspond with China it usually ends up with him either bragging about his richness or threatening someone with a missile attack?

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Arthur Kirkland

I SAID STOP CLUTTERING UP MY INBOX WITH YOUR WORTHLESS JUNK!

England

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Alfred F. Jones

You ALSO said to stop abusing the Caps Lock key!

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Arthur Kirkland

You abuse the poor key with your signature. Honestly, it must be sobbing, considering how much you use it.

England

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Alfred F. Jones

Oh, so was that why the key was wet this morning?  
- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

**[Hetalian Reactions to HetaOni]**

* * *

To: Kiku Honda  
From: Ludwig

JAPAN! YOU _IMBECILE!_

Angrily,  
Germany

* * *

To: Kiku Honda  
From: Arthur Kirkland

SO YOU INTERPRET MY ALMOST RIPPING AMERICA'S HEAD OFF THIS MORNING AS GENUINE CARING AND LOVE FOR A FORMER LITTLE BROTHER?

England

* * *

To: Kiku Honda  
From: Feliciano Vargas

I don't get it.

Italy~

* * *

To: Kiku Honda  
From: Alfred F. Jones

REALLY, JAPAN! Of all the people you could have paired me up with, it HAD to be England! I'll have you know he almost killed me this morning!  
I'M NOT GAY!

- AMERICA THE EXTREMELY IRRITATED HERO!

* * *

To: Kiku Honda  
From: Gilbert Beilschmidt

I. AM. NOT. THAT. WEAK.

- THE AMAZINGLY AWESOME PRUSSIA!

* * *

To: Kiku Honda  
From: Yao Wang

I'm going to skin you alive...

- China

* * *

To: Kiku Honda  
From: Roderich Edelstein

My sense of direction is not that primitive! I will now play Chopin to express my displeasure towards you.

Austria

* * *

To: Kiku Honda  
From: Francis Bonnefoy

Why am I such a minor character? [CENSORED][CENSORED]! Also, you need more scenes where the pirate gets beat up, he deserves as much! [CENSORED]!

~ France

* * *

To: Kiku Honda  
From: Lovino Vargas

[CENSORED] [CENSORED] [CENSORED][CENSORED] [CENSORED] [CENSORED] [CENSORED] [CENSORED] [CENSORED] [CENSORED] [CENSORED] [CENSORED]!

Romano

* * *

**Ah, not as soon as I thought it would be (fever), but still. **


	17. Part 17: HetaHazard

**CORRESPONDENCE BETWEEN HETALIANS 17**

**Hetahazard reactions... and some stuff I just read. Sorry about the Battle of New Orleans, I'll find a way to include it.**

* * *

To: [Europe] and Alfred F. Jones  
From: Yao Wang

AIYAHH! YOU IDIOTS! The slowdown in your markets is hurting the demand for my exports! That means less money goes to me and that's terrible! My growth rate has slowed to 8.1%. You're all looking at the Eurozone but DO YOU WANT AN EVEN BIGGER CRISIS IN CHINA?

- China

* * *

To: Yao Wang  
From: Alfred F. Jones

YOU'RE THE ONE BUILDING EMPTY CITIES IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE.

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

**See - Youtube: China's Empty City of Ordos**  
**Seriously, and they're still building there.**

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Arthur Kirkland

Haha, I found this funny.  
From _Plan 9 from Outer Space_, Criswell's opening narration:

[CRISWELL PREDICTS]

"Greetings, my friends. We are interested in the future for that is where you and I will be spending the rest of our lives. And remember, my friends, future events such as these will affect you in the future. You are interested in the unknown. The mysterious, the unexplainable. That is why you are here.  
And now for the first time, we are bringing to you the full story of what happened on that fateful day. We are giving you all the evidence, based only on the secret testimony of the miserable souls who survived this terrible ordeal. The incidents, the places, my friend we cannot keep this a secret any longer.  
Let us punish the guilty, let us reward the innocent.  
My friend, can your heart stand the shocking facts about grave robbers from outer space?"

England

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Alfred F. Jones

That is the worst script I have ever seen. First of all, he's referring to future events he's supposed to be predicting in the past tense. And I can't even tell what the main idea is!  
Whichever country that came up with that film must be a moron!

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Arthur Kirkland

It's American.

* * *

Excerpt from Wikipedia regarding _Plan 9 from Outer Space_:  
"During the first airplane cockpit scene, Norma McCarty as Edith the flight attendant bumps the curtain several times while waiting to enter.  
The first officer also shows two mistakes: first, he is visibly reading from the script which is in his lap; second, he uses a candlestick telephone, rather than a microphone, to communicate with the tower. Also in that scene, a flash of light from a flying saucer reveals the shadow of the boom microphone as the two pilots "fly" their plane without touching the indescribable objects placed before them where control yokes would usually be."

* * *

**Hetalian Reactions to Hetahazard**

* * *

To: Kiku Honda  
From: Ludwig

You just never tire of making me look like a weak minded coward, do you? I thought you were supposed to be on my side! Am I going to end up with two Bulgarias?

Germany

* * *

To: Kiku Honda  
From: Yao Wang

IT'S NOT LIKE I CAN'T DEFEND MYSELF BAICHI! I've changed my mind. I'm going to make you sit on the Spanish donkey.

China

* * *

To: Kiku Honda  
From: Arthur Kirkland

I know how to heat food! I wouldn't be as stupid as how you portrayed me! I demand an apology or I'll side with China.

England

* * *

To: Kiku Honda  
From: Gilbert Beilschmidt

NO! CLONING THE AWESOME ME IS IMPOSSIBLE!

- THE AWESOMELY AWESOME PRUSSIA!

* * *

To: Kiku Honda  
From: Feliciano Vargas

I don't get it. Why am I not already dead from fear in the game?

Italy~

* * *

To: Kiku Honda  
From: Lovino Vargas

[CENSORED] [CENSORED] [CENSORED] [CENSORED] [CENSORED] [CENSORED] [CENSORED] [CENSORED] [CENSORED] [CENSORED] [CENSORED] [CENSORED] [CENSORED] [CENSORED] [CENSORED]!

Romano

* * *

To: Kiku Honda  
From: Matthew Williams

I wouldn't cut myself with my own scythe!

Canada

* * *

To: Kiku Honda  
From: Alfred F. Jones

Do you hate me so much that you would kill even a computer-generated me? THE BURGER WAS GREEN. IN THE GAME I GOT A BURGER FROM ENGLAND THAT WAS GREEN.

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: [Everyone]  
From: Kiku Honda

So you don't like it...

Japan

* * *

To: Ludwig  
From: Kiku Honda

Very sorry.

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Kiku Honda

Sincerest apologies.

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Kiku Honda

Sorry, I will not do that again.

* * *

To: Feliciano Vargas  
From: Kiku Honda

I don't know.

* * *

To: Gilbert Beilschmidt  
From: Kiku Honda

Sorry.

* * *

To: Yao Wang  
From: Kiku Honda

Very sorry, please don't.

* * *

To: Lovino Vargas  
From: Kiku Honda

Apologies.

* * *

**[Later]**

* * *

To: Kiku Honda  
From: Matthew Williams

You forgot me.

Canada

* * *

To: Kiku Honda  
From: Matthew Williams

Hello?

* * *

To: [Canada's boss]  
From: Matthew Williams]

IT WAS MY BIRTHDAY YESTERDAY AND STILL NO ONE NOTICED ME!

* * *

**Random fact: I just got this cheap notebook (yeah, I guess I'm a miser), and this is what was on the cover:**

**"_Travel in Britain_**

**Wishing once upon a time**

**give me love make me smile, till the end of life**

**nothing can stop me**

**spread my wings so wide"**

**[Repeatedly slams head on the table in frustration towards those people here in Taiwan who think they have good English but don't]**

**By the way, it also had a big LOVE on the front. I think they got the wrong country.**


	18. Part 18: The Muscovite Lithuanian Wars

**CORRESPONDENCE BETWEEN HETALIANS 18**  
**The Muscovite-Lithuanian Wars**

**Brain, get off sugar-high. Just because you hadn't heard of half of Eastern Europe before Hetalia doesn't make them saints.**

* * *

**Notes: **This was when Lithuania was one of the largest states in Europe and expanding. Muscovy is basically the early predecessor state to the early modern Tsardom of Russia (and they also wanted to expand).

* * *

**THE FIRST WAR, 1492 - 1494**

* * *

NOTE TO EVERYONE  
From: Ivan III

Dear EVERYONE,

I AM THE HEIR TO THE FALLEN BYZANTINE EMPIRE AND DEFENDER OF THE ORTHODOX CHURCH! Now let me expand my land EXPAND EXPAND EXPAND EXPAND!

Forever your servant,  
Ivan The Great

* * *

To: Toris Laurinaitis  
From: Alexander Jagiellon

The letter we all received today. . . is he. . . drunk?

Grand Duke of Lithuania Alexander Jagiellon

* * *

To: Alexander Jagiellon  
From: Toris Laurinaitis

I don't know...

Lithuania

* * *

To: Ivan Braginski  
From: Toris Lauritiaitis

WHAT ARE YOU _DOING_? You've captured and incinerated Mtsensk, Lyubutsk, Serpeysk and Meshchovsk, raided Mosalsk, and attacked Vyazma and you haven't even declared _war _yet! Are you drunk?

Lithuania

* * *

**[1493]**

* * *

To: Alexander Jagiellon and Toris Laurinaitis  
From: Ivan III

I DECLARE WAR ON THE GRAND DUCHY OF LITHUANIA!

Ivan The Great

* * *

To: Toris Laurinaitis  
From: Alexander Jagiellon

Right. He's drunk.

Grand Duke of Lithuania Alexander Jagiellon

* * *

**Well, if he was he didn't stay that way for long.**

**[1494]**

* * *

To: Toris Laurinaitis  
From: Alexander Jagiellon

Good news: the conflict has ended and I've sent a delegation to Moscow to negotiate a peace treaty. Just letting you know. Enjoy your day off!

Grand Duke of Lithuania Alexander Jagiellon

* * *

To: Alexander Jagiellon  
From: Toris Laurinaitis

Erm, sir, you sent me along with the delegation.

Lithuania

* * *

To: Toris Laurinaitis  
From: Alexander Jagiellon

Oh, right.

Grand Duke of Lithuania Alexander Jagiellon

* * *

**[February 5, 1494]**

* * *

To: Alexander Jagiellon  
From: Toris Laurinaitis

OK, eternal peace treaty agreed on. We lost the principality of Vyazma but we got you  
betrothed to Ivan the Great's daughter Helena so I guess that's okay...?

Lithuania

* * *

To: Toris Laurinaitis  
From: Alexander Jagiellon

WHAT? BETROTHED? I'm in Poland (not at the pubs this time)!

Ah, well. Why don't you just send Stanislovas Kesgaila to act as the groom and hope no one notices?

Grand Duke of Lithuania Alexander Jagiellon

* * *

**And so, the eternal peace treaty was the end of... wait, what?**

**[1500]**

* * *

To: Alexander Jagiellon and Toris Laurinaitis  
From: Ivan III

YAHAHAHA! I'VE DECIDED TO OVERRUN YOUR FORTRESSES IN BRYANSK, DOROGOBUZH, TOROPETS AND PUTYVL WHILE POLAND AND HUNGARY ARE PREOCCUPIED WITH CHICKEN, I MEAN, TURKEY! THE OTTOMAN EMPIRE, ANYWAYS.  
YAHAHAHA!

Ivan the Great

* * *

**War # 2, sorry - The Second War (1500 - 1503)**

* * *

To: Ivan III  
From: Toris Laurinaitis

What?

* * *

To: Ivan III  
From: Alexander Jagiellon

IT HASN'T EVEN BEEN A FULL DECADE SINCE THAT SO-CALLED "ETERNAL PEACE TREATY!"  
What's your problem?

Grand Duke of Lithuania Alexander Jagiellon

* * *

To: Alexander Jagiellon  
From: Ivan III

Well, you haven't exactly been very religiously tolerant of Orthodoxes in your court and I _am_the defender of the Orthodox Church so I think I ought to attack you.

Ivan the Great  
PS.: I've attacked Kiev Voivodeship, Volhynia, and Podolia, too. You won't believe how fun it is!

* * *

To: Alexander Jagiellon  
From: Toris Laurinaitis

Got beaten up at the Battle of Vedrosha...

* * *

**[1501]**

* * *

To: Toris Laurinaitis  
From: Feliks Łukasiewicz

Oy, my king John I Albert just kicked the bucket. Your guy like want to come over? It's kinda fun watching them all like fight over the throne.

Poland

* * *

To: Feliks Łukasiewicz  
From: Toris Laurinaitis

Oh...

* * *

To: Alexander Jagiellon  
From: Wolter von Plettenberg

Hey, turns out we (the Livonian Order) are joining you against Muscovy after all. Thank us later.

Wolter von Plettenberg, Master of the Livonian Order

* * *

[Lithuania's (secret) diary]

Ah, good news. The Livonian troops won near Izborsk and also got to besiege Pskov. That's nice as Muscovy was getting really creepy...

* * *

**[1502]**

* * *

[Lithuania's (secret) diary]

More great news. That Ivan III's campaign to capture Smolensk failed because of poor strategy and insufficient artillery. I think we'll be starting peace negotiations soon. I hope Ivan doesn't get drunk again.

* * *

**Peace negotiations began in mid-1502 and later a six-year truce was concluded in 1503.**  
**Lithuania lost almost a third of its territory.**  
**Although about the truce...**

**[1505]**

* * *

To: [Poland]  
From: Vasili III

HEY YOU POLISH NOBLES SINCE ALEXANDER'S KICKED THE BUCKET AND SO HAS MY DAD IVAN CHOOSE ME CHOOSE ME CHOOSE ME AS KING!

Vasili III

* * *

To: Vasili III  
From: Feliks Łukasiewicz

Nah, Sigismund I is way cooler than you.

Poland

* * *

**And so they crowned Sigismund I the Old both King of Poland and Grand Duke of Lithuania.**

**[1507]**

* * *

To: Vasili III  
From: Sigismund I

Oi, give us back those territories you got from the 1503 truce.

Sigismund I

* * *

**And meanwhile...**

* * *

To: Michael Glinski  
From: Jan Jurjewicz Zabrzeziński

I ACCUSE YOU OF TREASON, POISONING ALEXANDER, AND HAVING AMBITIONS OF BECOMING KING WHICH I HONESTLY MUST SAY BASICALLY EVERYONE MUST HAVE BUT I REALLY DON'T LIKE YOU!

Jan Jurjewicz Zabrzeziński, Voivode of Trakai

* * *

**And guess what stupid things Glinski went and did? He rebelled, murdered ****Zabrzeziński and declared himself a defender of Orthodox faith even though he was a Catholic.**  
**After a bunch of attempts at capturing various cities he joined up with the Muscovites...**

* * *

[Lithuania's (secret) diary]

… and was defeated by Konstanty Ostrogski, Grand Hetman of Lithuania near Orsha! Negotiating another eternal peace treaty.

* * *

**1508: Eternal peace Treaty number ... what was it again?**  
**Let's just ignore the treaty now as it was so terribly insignificant.**

* * *

To: Vasili III  
From: Sigismund I

TURN IN MICHAEL GLINSKI FOR TRIAL!

King of Poland and Grand Duke of Lithuania Sigismund I

* * *

To: Sigismund I  
From: Vasili III

WELL, _I _DEMAND BETTER TREATMENT FOR MY WIDOWED SISTER HELENA!

Vasili III

PS.: Don't think I hadn't discovered that you were paying Khan Meñli I Giray to attack the Grand Duchy of Moscow! I _am _angry.

* * *

**December 1512: The Fourth War (1512 - 1522).**  
**In December, Muscovy invaded Lithuania wanting to capture the major trading centre of Smolensk.**  
**It took them three sieges but they succeeded in the 1514.**

* * *

To: Vasili III  
From: Michael Glinski

Hey, now I'M angry. Be careful! I might just rejoin Sigismund I!

Michael Glinski

* * *

To: Michael Glinski  
From: Vasili III

Oops, all locked up! How are you going to join them now?

Vasili III

* * *

To: Vasili III  
From: Michael Glinski

Moron.

* * *

[Russia's diary]  
Somehow got beaten up in Severia by Grand Hetman of Lithuania Konstanty Ostrogski (must start learning to summon demons to fight like England... oh wait, I forgot, Ostrogski is one).

* * *

**[1514]**

* * *

To: Toris Laurinaitis  
From: Sigismund I

Did you and Poland manage to take back Smolensk? You did manage to drive the Russians from Vitebsk and Polotsk last year (1513).

King of Poland and Grand Duke of Lithuania Sigismund I

* * *

To: Sigismund I  
From: Toris Laurinaitis

No...

* * *

**[1515]**

* * *

[Russia's diary]

Formed an alliance with the Livonian Brothers of the Sword but didn't manage to take back Vitebsk.

* * *

**[1516]**

* * *

To: Sigismund I  
From: Feliks Łukasiewicz

Hi boss, had loads of fun today. I just like took Velikiye Luki and Toropets.

Poland

* * *

**AND...**

**TO BE CONTINUED.**

**Please review.**


	19. Part 19: Above pt II and more Reactions

**CORRESPONDENCE BETWEEN HETALIANS 19**  
**The Muscovite-Lithuanian Wars part II**

* * *

**Note regarding Part 17: Taip, the movie's real.**

* * *

**"Russia is a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma."**

- Winston Churchill

* * *

**[1517]**

* * *

[Lithuania's (secret) diary]

Curses, our expedition to Pskov ended in defeat at Opochka. *sigh*

* * *

**[1518]**

* * *

[Lithuania's (secret) diary]

We beat back the Russian forces during the siege of Polotsk!  
I myself was inspired by the sight of our patron saint Saint Casimir. It's the truth, I'll swear I saw him!

* * *

**Meanwhile, regarding Lithuania's allies the Crimean Tartars...**

* * *

[Russia's diary]

ARGH those Crimean Tartars keep devastating my territories! It's unfair. Their _name_ makes me think of _teeth_, for heaven's sake...

* * *

**The war lasted until 1520, and they signed a peace treaty in 1522. Under the terms of the peace, the Grand Duchy of Lithuania had to cede to Russia about a fourth of its Ruthenian possessions, including the much-fought-over Smolensk.**  
**Poor Lithuania.**

* * *

**The Fifth War (yeah, forget the peace), 1534 - 1537.**

* * *

**[1533]**

* * *

To: Toris Laurinaitis  
From: Feliks Łukasiewicz  
Hey! Awesome news! Annoying Vasily's totally dropped dead and his son's only three! HAHAHA! THAT MEANS WE CAN DEMAND BACK THE LOST TERRITORIES! My boss just told me so!

Poland

* * *

To: Feliks Łukasiewicz  
From: Toris Laurinaitis

I know, Poland. We have the same boss.

Lithuania

* * *

To: Toris Laurinaitis  
From: Feliks Łukasiewicz

Oh, yeah.

* * *

To: [Muscovy]  
From: Sigismund I

We demand the return of all those territories conquered by Vasily III, now hand it.

Sigismund I

* * *

To: Sigismund I  
From: Jerzy Radziwiłł

I've just launched an offensive to regain what we've lost over the past decades. I've got a nice army of 20,000 so it shouldn't be too hard.

Grand Hetman Jerzy Radziwiłł

* * *

**[1535]**

* * *

[Lithuania's (secret) diary]

Ah, the assault on Severia failed when Prince Ovchina-Telepnev-Obolensky and Prince Vasily Shuisky invaded home. They even got as far as Vilnius and Navahrudak and had the nerve to build a fortress (Ivangorod) on the Sebezh River!

WILL MY LUCK NEVER GET BETTER!

* * *

**[1536]**

* * *

To: Sigismund I  
From: [Crimean Tartars]

Well, it looks like we have to come in and save your sorry asses again. Not that we're complaining, though. Ravaging Ryazan is almost amusing. By the way, Poland says to thank him when he gets back since he and his Great Crown Hetman Jan Tarnowski helped you defeat the Muscovites at Starodub and overran Severia for you.  
We've omitted all of the excess 'like's for better convenience.

* * *

**After Muscovy retaliated by routing the 40,000 strong Lithuanian army at Sebezh, built the fortress of Velizh and devastated the suburbs of Vitebsk...**  
**Ceasefire at last! Supposed to last for five years from 1537 - 1542... let's see how long this one survives (by the way, Lithuania received Homel).**

* * *

**AND THEN CAME THE LIVONIAN WAR (1558 - 1583), which was basically a "Let's beat up Russia!" session in the end (yeah, Poland and Lithuania defeated Muscovy... what? Don't look that surprised).**

* * *

**[Hetalian Reactions to pairings]**

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Arthur Kirkland

I'm going to kill you! ARE YOU MAD? Exterminate Fanfiction now! WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM? First pairing me with France, and then you! There are even some bizarre England/China pairings out there! I'LL FLAY YOU!

England

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Alfred F. Jones

IT'S NOT MY FAULT! I just made the website, I didn't know they'd do _that_! I GOT PAIRED UP WITH _YOU_! WHY? And Canada, Japan, Belarus (creepy!), and Estonia too!

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Arthur Kirkland

I'LL KILL YOU! RESISTANCE IS USELESS! PREPARE TO BE EXTERMINATED!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Francis Bonnefoy

Oh, so you pair me up with the one person who HATES ME THE MOST? HE'D KILL ME!

~ France

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Yao Wang

Oh, you're just asking for annihilation, America, aren't you?

China

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Kiku Honda

I. AM. NOT. GAY!

Japan

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Kiku Honda

Sorry.

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Gilbert Beilschmidt

Who's Liechtenstein? And what the heck's "Canada?"

- THE EXTREMELY CONFUSED BUT NO LESS AWESOME AND MIGHTY PRUSSIA!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Ludwig

WHY IS IT THAT EVERYONE EITHER WANTS TO MAKE ME LOOK HOMOSEXUAL, WEAK, CRAZY OR COWARDLY? I MIGHT JUST START ANOTHER WORLD WAR TO DESTROY YOU ALL!

GERMANY

* * *

To: Ludwig  
From: Alfred F. Jones

You ARE crazy! ANOTHER WORLD WAR?

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Ludwig  
From: Alfred F. Jones

OK SORRY, SORRY, SORRY, SORRY! Please, please, please, please, _please_ don't side with China and Britain, _please._ I'm BEGGING you! _Please_.

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Feliciano Vargas

I don't get it.

Italy~

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Matthew Williams

RUSSIA? The creepy person next door? Why HIM! America, are you sure your cerebrum is functioning properly? You hate him!

Enraged,  
Canada

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Antonio Fernandez Carriedo

France is the most perverted person alive and you paired me up with HIM! And I'm not gay or a pedophile!

Spain

* * *

To: Antonio Fernandez Carriedo  
From: Alfred F. Jones

Okay, fine. But you do like Belgium, right?

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Antonio Fernandez Carriedo

I don't!

* * *

To: Antonio Fernandez Carriedo  
From: Alfred F. Jones

Yes you do!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Antonio Fernandez Carriedo

Don't!

* * *

To: Antonio Fernandez Carriedo  
From: Alfred F. Jones

Do!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Antonio Fernandez Carriedo

Say, America, you haven't heard of the Spanish donkey, have you?

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Alfred F. Jones

England you're infecting everyone!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Ivan Braginski

DON'T PAIR ME WITH BELARUS SHE'S CREEPY!  
Oh, and, one question: Who's Canada? I don't remember ever hearing that name.

Russia

PS.: I don't stalk China THAT much.

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Basch Zwingli

Dear Mr. America,

Now, before you start whining about me blowing up your house, let me just remind you that it was your own fault. I am NOT gay and I wouldn't commit incest, fool.

Switzerland

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Tino Vainamoinen

I'm not his wife!

Finland

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Toris Laurinaitis

Just because Poland has a tendency to cross-dress doesn't make us a couple. Please remember that.

Lithuania

* * *

To: Toris Laurinaitis  
From: Alfred F. Jones

Huh, I guess so, since you're always mooning over Belarus.

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Lovino Vargas

Why did you pair me up with Spain, you bastard! I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!

Romano

* * *

**And so America went on to send everyone e-mails insisting on how it wasn't his fault blah, blah, blah, blah...**

* * *

**Sorry if this was in any way offensive, I was really worked up after accidentally seeing something completely **_**wrong**_**.**

**Random fact****: Iceland is considered the most peaceful country in the world.**

**Still working on HetaQuest. My God, that world sure is a mess, what with Francis as a prince (my reaction was something along the lines of WHAT? WHAT? FRANCIS IS A PRINCE? OH GOD CENARF IS DOOMED, **_**DOOMED!**_**)**

* * *

By the way, I'm rather surprised no one figured out the (pass)code I stuck in Part 11. Grandpa Rome's emperors will help you.**  
**

* * *

**END.**


	20. Part 20: Ante Olympia

**Part 20. **

**Irrelevant, but still:_ "Everything for Norway." _It's their motto, honestly.  
**

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland

From: Francis Bonnefoy

Hey black sheep, will you have any wine in London during the Olympics?

~ France

* * *

To: Francis Bonnefoy

From: Arthur Kirkland

BRING YOUR OWN DAMN WINE!

England

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland

From: Francis Bonnefoy

Oh, so you will have wine.

~ France

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland

From: Antonio Fernandez Carriedo

Will you have churros at the Olympics? You must have churros, churros are wonderful. And tomatoes, too. Tomatoes are essential, tomatoes are great too...

* * *

To: Antonio Fernandez Carriedo

From: Arthur Kirkland

Er, yeah. Spain, are you alright?

England

* * *

To: Ludwig

From: Feliciano Vargas

GERMANY HELP I'M BEING KIDNAPPED HELP HELP HELP!

ITALY

* * *

To: Feliciano Vargas

From: Ludwig

Italy, that's your boss dragging you out of bed since you've slept for nearly nineteen hours and everyone is really fed up. Don't text me or call me unless you're really in trouble, I'm trying to focus on enjoying my afternoon beer.

Germany

* * *

To: Ludwig

From: Feliciano Vargas

Okay Germany~! By the way, you usually have at least ten mugs of beer every afternoon, so messing up one mug can't hurt that much, can it?

Italy~

* * *

To: Feliciano Vargas

From: Ludwig

Why don't you go and save up some money to pay me back with?

Germany

* * *

From: Francis Bonnefoy #2

France, you are the most amazing and gorgeous and the second most awesome!

~France

* * *

To: Francis Bonnefoy

From: Francis Bonnefoy #2

France, you are the most amazing and gorgeous and the second most awesome!

~France

* * *

To: Ivan Braginski

From: Alfred F. Jones

Damn you, commie. Commie commie commie commie commie commie commie commie commie commie commie commie commie commie.

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones

From: Ivan Braginski

What?

Russia

* * *

To: ["Commies"]  
From: Alfred F. Jones

DON'T TALK TO ME DAMN COMMIES!

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones

From: Ivan Braginski

What?

Russia

* * *

To: ["Commies"]  
From: Alfred F. Jones

DON'T E-MAIL ME COMMUNIST CREEPS!

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones From: Ivan Braginski

...

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones

From: Yao Wang

Fine, but I'm wondering, where are you going to get your cheap labor now?

China

* * *

To: Yao Wang

From: Alfred F. Jones

That's not what I meant and you know it stupid.

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones

From: Yao Wang

Okay, so what did you mean?

China

* * *

To: Yao Wang

From: Alfred F. Jones

Just shut up.

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones

From: Ivan Braginski

Dear America,  
Since you said that you don't want me to talk to you, does that mean that I can come in and nuke you now without telling you first? :D

Russia

* * *

To: ["Commies"]  
From: Alfred F. Jones

OKAY OKAY FINE YOU WIN! THAT LETTER NEVER EXISTED! DON'T NUKE ME!

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones

From: Yao Wang

Ha, baichi.

China

* * *

To: Yao Wang

From: Alfred F. Jones

You, are an _ass_.

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: [France's Boss]  
From: Francis Bonnefoy

Hey boss, we're going to have some real food stored away for our athletes during the Olympics right? They won't have to eat Britain s food, oui? We're going to have extra food, right? Tell me we're going to have extra food! If we don t I'll, I'll, _je vais aller en greve_!

~France

* * *

To: Ludwig

From: Feliciano Vargas

GERMANY HELP HELP HELP I'M REALLY IN TROUBLE THIS TIME REALLY PLEASE HELP HELP HELP!

ITALY!

* * *

To: Feliciano Vargas

From: Ludwig

ITALY, for the last time, a mutilated white flag is NOT a matter of international importance!

Germany

* * *

To: Ludwig From: Feliciano Vargas

IT ISSSS!

Italy~

* * *

To: Feliciano Vargas

From: Ludwig

It is not. You owe me 120 billion euros, get to work. Auf Wiedersehen.

Germany

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland

From: Francis Bonnefoy

Hey, ungorgeous pirate, did you know that your Herbert Kitchener was a Francophile? I read it in a book. Haha. :D

~ France

* * *

To: Francis Bonnefoy

From: Arthur Kirkland

You can read? Interesting. Of course, it could have just been someone reading it to you.  
Please refrain from using those odd "faces." For some reason whenever you use one you get the feeling that it's about to do... something.

England

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones

From: Francis Bonnefoy

Ohonhonhonhon, Britain dislikes this face, :D

~ France

* * *

To: Francis Bonnefoy

From: Alfred F. Jones

Coming from you, anyone would.

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Feliciano Vargas

From: Ludwig

Italy, I just realised something. Do you keep a mobile phone with you at all times so that you can scream into my ear or inundate my phone s screen with HELP!s whenever you are or think you are in trouble?

Germany

* * *

To: Ludwig

From: Feliciano Vargas

Erm . . . .

* * *

**Working on reactions to HetaQuest. How dare they arrest Vash?**

**Random again:**  
**Take a look at this (it refers to some time around the Boxer Rebellion): "_Over six decades, the Western Powers had been dismembering China, each scrambling for leases and concessions, tearing off pieces, dividing the vast country into spheres of influence._" _Dreadnought_, by Robert K. Massie, pg. 275.**

**Poor China.**

**Sorry if there's any weird format on this part. I'm using a computer which by some incredible phenomenon does not have Microsoft Office Word.  
**


	21. Part 21: HetaQuest

**Correspondence Between Hetalians 21**

**Advertisement: By the way, I've written another story (really) similar to this one and posted it already. I admit that it's pretty much the offspring of this one. **

* * *

To: Ludwig  
From: Feliciano Vargas

Dear Germany,  
Today I decided to buy some pasta at the supermarket. But then I realised, I don't have any money! Now I owe the supermarket a lot of money, so would you mind lending me some just this time? Thanks, Germany!~~

Italy ~

* * *

**Hetalian Reactions to HetaQuest.**

* * *

To: Kiku Honda  
From: Yao Wang

I'D BETTER NOT BE DEAD YOU LITTLE PUNK!

China

* * *

To: Kiku Honda  
From: Basch Zwingli

How dare you have that idiot pervert "king" Francis arrest the character which is supposed to represent _me_? It is completely unfair. And when you had my little sister dying! You can kill off the idiot Italy/ Feliciano and the other annoying guy, Germany, but you _don't _have my little sister dying! You're lucky you're too far away for me to bomb you without having to leave my country and cross through all of those bickering shopaholics.

Switzerland

* * *

To: Kiku Honda  
From: Ludwig

AGAIN?

* * *

To: Kiku Honda  
From: Arthur Kirkland

BLOODY WANKER I'LL KILL YOU KILL YOU KILL YOU KILL YOU KILL YOU!

England

PS.: Why is Francis a king? I can't see France on a throne either here or in an RPG-thing. But what I really don't understand is why I haven't overthrown him yet, like when I pretty much destroyed his role outside the continent and messed up his dominance of Europe. Haha. I still hate you.

* * *

To: Kiku Honda  
From: Feliciano Vargas

I don't get it.

Italy~

* * *

To: Kiku Honda  
From: Lovino Vargas

[CENSORED] arrest _me? _Why you [CENSORED][CENSORED]! [CENSORED] you!

Romano

* * *

To: Kiku Honda  
From: Francis Bonnefoy

Actually, I'm not too mad about this one. At least here they make me the king and almost as wise as I am in real life! So I won't try to decapitate you this time (no I didn't _fail _last time, it's just that Britain came in and messed everything up with his fat rocket launcher trying to blow both of us to bits, okay?)

~ France

* * *

To: Kiku Honda  
From: [Taiwan]

That was mean.

Taiwan

* * *

To: Kiku Honda  
From: Toris Laurinaitis

Belarus isn't that evil! I don't think she'd massacre an entire town.

Lithuania

* * *

To: Kiku Honda  
From: Peter Kirkland

YAY YOU RECOGNISE ME AS A COUNTRY, RIGHT? THAT'S WHY YOU MADE ME HAVE A HIGHER LEVEL THAN AMERICA AND THAT OTHER MAN RIGHT?

Sealand the Country!

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Peter Kirkland

Japan recognises me as a country so there. YAY! Someone recognises me as a country!

Sealand the Country!

* * *

To: Peter Kirkland  
From: Arthur Kirkland

No he doesn't. It's just a story so anything in it isn't real.

England

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Peter Kirkland

YOU JUST HAVE TO CRUSH EVERYONE ELSE'S EXCITEMENT AND JOY, DON'T YOU?

Sealand the Country!

* * *

To: Peter Kirkland  
From: Arthur Kirkland

No, just yours. Stop breaking the sacred rules of capitalisation!

England

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Peter Kirkland

But you're broken the "sacred rules of capitalisation" before, too! I tinkered a bit and I found that e-mail you'd sent Japan. You were calling him a bloody wanker and using an excessive amount of "kill you"s while capitalising everything.

Sealand the Country!

* * *

To: Kiku Honda  
From: Gilbert Beilschmidt

Japan you idiot!  
So you're saying that the awesome me would neglect my duties? I DON'T EVEN HAVE ANY!

- THE AWESOMELY AWESOME PRUSSIA!

* * *

To: Kiku Honda  
From: Elizabeta Héderváry

Me, give away my frying pan? NEVER!

Hungary

* * *

**And so Japan returned to mass-producing apology cards.**

* * *

To: Ludwig  
From: Alfred F. Jones

Hey Kraut! Did you know that in the Navajo Code Talkers' Dictionary the Navajo word that represents "Germany" is "Besh-be-cha-he," which means "iron hat?" Hahahaha!

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Ludwig  
From: Alfred F. Jones

Haha, very funny.

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Francis Bonnefoy

Hey America, I heard about that Navajo thing. Which Navajo word represents me, then?

~ France

* * *

To: Francis Bonnefoy  
From: Alfred F. Jones

"Da-gha-hi!" It means "beard!" :D

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Francis Bonnefoy

WHAT?

* * *

[France's diary]

Of all of my beautiful features the only one he can think of is my gorgeous beard? What about _[The rest of this entry has been omitted due to inappropriate content]._

* * *

To: Francis Bonnefoy  
From: Arthur Kirkland

Dear France,  
Hello, I got bored today so I decided to inundate your inbox with worthless junk and spam just to get on your nerves. I hope you like the merciless insults I have copy-pasted into numerous e-mails and sent to you. Enjoy!

England

PS.: I've also planted mines all around your rose garden and booby-trapped your refrigerator while you're out, just to let you know.

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Francis Bonnefoy

JE VAIS TU TUER!

~ France

PS.: By the way, as you see, I used the familiar "you" to add further insult. That was one thing that you were missing when you were insulting me in my own language. Haha.

* * *

To: Francis Bonnefoy  
From: Arthur Kirkland

What's missing is your brain. Why don't you go and surrender to someone or something?

England

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Francis Bonnefoy

Why don't you go and shoot yourself in the head, punk.

~ France

* * *

To: Francis Bonnefoy  
From: Arthur Kirkland

Go swallow a grenade, bone-idle div.

England

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Francis Bonnefoy

Go drink a mug of mercury, imbécile.

~ France

* * *

To: Francis Bonnefoy  
From: Arthur Kirkland

Go sit on the Spanish donkey, rat-arsed ponce.

England

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Francis Bonnefoy

Go sit in front of a snowplow, unsophisticated pirate.

~ France

* * *

To: Francis Bonnefoy  
From: Arthur Kirkland

Go annoy Russia, mindless perverted wanker.

England

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Francis Bonnefoy

GO EAT SCONES, UGLY BASTARD!

~ FRANCE

* * *

To: Francis Bonnefoy  
From: Arthur Kirkland

Is that supposed to be an insult?

* * *

**Something I found funny.**

From the Navajo code talkers' dictionary (DECLASSIFIED UNDER DEPARTMENT OF DEFENSE DIRECTIVE 5200.9):

**Place = Navajo word = Literal translation**

**AFRICA** = ZHIN-NI = **BLACKIES**  
**ALASKA** = BEH-HGA = **WITH WINTER**  
**AMERICA** = NE-HE-MAH = **OUR MOTHER**  
**AUSTRALIA** = CHA-YES-DESI = **ROLLED HAT**  
**BRITAIN** = TOH-TA = **BETWEEN WATERS**  
**CHINA** = CEH-YEHS-BESI = **BRAIDED HAIR**  
**FRANCE** = DA-GHA-HI = **BEARD**  
**GERMANY** = BESH-BE-CHA-HE =** IRON HAT**  
**ICELAND** = TKIN-KE-YAH = **ICE LAND**  
**INDIA** = AH-LE-GAI = **WHITE CLOTHES**  
**ITALY** = DOH-HA-CHI-YALI-TCHI = **STUTTER**  
**JAPAN** = BEH-NA-ALI-TSOSIE = **SLANT EYE**  
**PHILIPPINE** = KE-YAH-DA-NA-LHE = **FLOATING ISLAND**  
**RUSSIA** = SILA-GOL-CHI-IH = **RED ARMY**  
**SOUTH AMERICA** = SHA-DE-AH-NE-HI-MAH =** SOUTH OUR MOTHER**  
**SPAIN** = DEBA-DE-NIH = **SHEEP PAIN**

**I think "Spain" may have more to do with the sound of the words...**

**Please review.**

**By the way, I know this is irrelevant, but has anyone else watched the TV series_ Downton Abbey_?**


	22. Part 22: London 2012

**LONDON 2012**

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Yao Wang

Nice Olympic opening, Opium. It was almost as good as mine in 2008. Too bad I didn't get too see you fail miserably though, that would've been even more entertaining.

China

Oh, and I was only complimenting you for the sake of good manners.

* * *

To: Yao Wang  
From: Arthur Kirkland

BASTARD. I liked that opening a lot! My mum always said that if you didn't have anything nice to say, you shouldn't say anything, especially if it was about something the other person was really proud of!

England

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Yao Wang

Oh. But then I'll have to start sending you blank e-mails.

China

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Yao Wang

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Alfred F. Jones

DUDE! YOUR OLYMPIC OPENING WAS SCARY! WHY DID YOU HAVE TO MAKE IT SO [CENSORED] SCARY? ARE YOU STILL SADISTIC ENOUGH TO LIKE SEEING ME COWER UNDER THE BASEMENT TABLE TEETH CHATTERING IN TERROR? DON'T MAKE IT SO SCAAARRRY!

-AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Arthur Kirkland

It was a dummy Voldemort, America. A dummy Voldemort.

England

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Alfred F. Jones

A SIXTY-FOOT HIGH Voldemort!

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Arthur Kirkland

Says the one who makes massive sixty-foot Santa Clauses. They look like giant bloated garden gnomes. Now _those_ are creepy, I shudder every time I see one.

England

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Alfred F. Jones

Garden gnomes? How in the world are garden gnomes creepy?

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Arthur Kirkland

They're always threatening to kill me.

England

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Alfred F. Jones

GO SEE A PSYCHIATRIST.  
NOW.

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Francis Bonnefoy  
From: Alfred F. Jones

So England is scared of garden gnomes! What else is he afraid of?

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Alfred F. Jones

Hey Britain!  
France says that you're dead terrified of codpieces! Why is that?

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Arthur Kirkland

Childhood trauma. Don't ask.

England

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Francis Bonnefoy

Hello,  
I saw your Olympic opening. It was alright, I think. I didn't fall asleep like I thought I would. Though it needed a lot more beauty, it just wasn't elegant enough.

~ France

* * *

To: Francis Bonnefoy  
From: Arthur Kirkland

The only thing you think of as elegant is YOURSELF, narcissistic ponce.

England

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: [Taiwan]

Grr.

* * *

To: [Taiwan]  
From: Arthur Kirkland

I don't understand?

England

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Yao Wang

By the way, Opium, don't mind if Taiwan sends you any annoyed one-word e-mails. She does it to all of the Olympic hosts except for me.  
In case you ask, she sends _me_long speeches about how much she despises me and wants me dead.

China

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Ludwig

You made Italy cry with that giant Lord Voldemort. He started shouting "I surrender! Please don't hurt me!" at the _television_.

Germany

PS.: Japan says to congratulate you on your wonderful success in creating a memorable opening, and that he thanks you for your hard work. Although I think that's what he tells everyone.  
Italy's crying again. You're paying for all of the tissues I've had to buy in the past hour.

* * *

To: [England's Boss]  
From: Arthur Kirkland

Was he really that terrifying?

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: [England's Boss]

Who?

* * *

To: Yao Wang  
From: Arthur Kirkland

HAHAHA YOU LOST AT MEN'S FINN YOU GOT SECOND TO LAST PLACE HAHAHAHAHA SUCKER YOU COULDN'T EVEN BEAT UKRAINE AND ITALY HAHA!

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Yao Wang

Shut up, baichi! I already have six gold medals while you don't have _any_, and it's your _home_, for goodness sake. You couldn't even beat France or Italy.

China

* * *

To: Yao Wang  
From: Loser Host

WANKER I'LL KILL YOU.

* * *

[England's diary]

The bloody wanker found a way to mess up my name _again_. How does he do it?

* * *

To: Antonio Fernandez Carriedo  
From: Lovino Vargas

Haha, no-medal-er. WE have third place in the Olympics already. You suck.

Romano

* * *

To: Lovino Vargas  
From: Antonio Fernandez Carriedo

What? You mean the Olympics have already started? I didn't realise!

Spain

* * *

To: Antonio Fernandez Carriedo  
From: Lovino Vargas

Stint on the tomatoes, idiot. These days you're either stuffing your face with them or out mass purchasing them. It's not like they're actually addictive, you don't have to spend every waking moment eating them.

Romano

* * *

To: Lovino Vargas  
From: Antonio Fernandez Carriedo

So you DO care! I'm so happy!

Spain

* * *

To: Antonio Fernandez Carriedo  
From: Lovino Vargas

I just don't want to be the one to clean up your entrails when you explode.

Romano

* * *

To: [Romania]  
From: Elizabeta Hédervary

Beat you, dog.  
[Attached file: me_spitting_at_Romania]

Hungary

* * *

To: Francis Bonnefoy  
From: Lovino Vargas

I was right, he didn't know. You owe me a hundred.

Romano

* * *

To: Basch Zwingli  
From: Francis Bonnefoy

Dear Switzerland,  
I was betting with South Italy today on whether or not Spain even knew that the Olympics had started and I lost, so I owe him a hundred, could you lend me some money to pay him back with?

~ France

* * *

To: Yao Wang  
From: Alfred F. Jones

Stop BEATING me. It takes all of the fun out of the game when you keep beating me! Don't beat me! It's only fun when I win everything.

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Yao Wang

Sorry?

* * *

**So the Olympics have begun. I have spent the past three days with my eyes glued to the television. **

**Is anyone else's brother an anglophile? I constantly have to remind mine that he's never even seen England.**

**Damn you, China. It's all your fault that they took down the ROC flag. Damn you. **  
**"Chinese Taipei?" Huh. But I can hardly declare Taiwanese independence here. Damn you, China.**

**Until the next update, viso gero.**


	23. Part 23: London 2012 II

**HETAQUEST AND HETAHAZARD UPDATED. YES.**

* * *

**LONDON 2012 pt. 2**

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Yao Wang

So, America, how many gold medals do you have now? You _must_have beaten me by now, you're always bragging about how your athletes are the best.

China

* * *

To: Yao Wang  
From: Alfred F. Jones

Don't ask... shame... shame...

- AMERICA THE SHAME-FILLED HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Yao Wang

Oh, it's only nine. I think I have thirteen.

China

* * *

To: Yao Wang  
From: Alfred F. Jones

NOOOOOOOO DON'T LOOOOK! SHAAAAME!

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Yao Wang

You do realise that the more you do that the more tempting it is to make fun of you .

China

* * *

To: Yao Wang  
From: Alfred F. Jones

Okay! Fine! Fine! Look! Do whatever you want! Yeah! Keep making fun of me! Yeah!

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Yao Wang

Why, thank you. I will most certainly do so.

China

* * *

To: Yao Wang  
From: Alfred F. Jones

WHAT? !

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Alfred F. Jones

I. HATE. CHINA!

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Arthur Kirkland

So do I!

England

* * *

To: [Vietnam]  
From: Donotreply

Your club, We Hate China!, has 2 new members.

* * *

To: Elizabeta Héderváry  
From: [Romania]

I'm thirteenth place now. I've beaten _you _now. Have fun being fourteenth!

Romania

* * *

To: [Romania]  
From: Elizabeta Héderváry

Moron. I just adopted a pig today, I named it Michael I, like the name?

Hungary

* * *

To: Elizabeta Héderváry  
From: [Romania]

Moron yourself.

Romania

* * *

To: [Taiwan]  
From: Yao Wang

WHAT? ! I just looked at the medals page for Beijing 2008 and it says Meiguo had ten more medals than I! How is that possible? !

* * *

To: Kiku Honda  
From: [Taiwan]

japan could you come over for a moment china's having a seizure!

taiwan

* * *

To: [Everyone]  
From: [Jamaica]

I'm going to win the sprinting events.

Jamaica

* * *

To: [Jamaica]  
From: Alfred F. Jones

YOU DON'T HAVE TO STATE THE OBVIOUS JUST TO MAKE ME FEEL DEPRESSED! OH, AND BRITAIN IF YOU'VE HACKED AGAIN THERE'S NO NEED TO SEND ME ENGLISH LECTURES REALLY.

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: [Jamaica]

...Hacked?

* * *

To: Heracles Karpusi  
From: Arthur Kirkland

I thought I told you! We don't need cat floods at the Olympics! Get them out of there now!

England

* * *

To: Heracles Karpusi  
From: Arthur Kirkland

Are you even awake?

England

* * *

To: Yao Wang  
From: [Taiwan]

IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT NO ONE RECOGNISES ME BLAST YOU!

Taiwan

* * *

To: [Taiwan]

From: Yao Wang

Oh.

China

* * *

To: Toris Laurinaitis  
From: Toris Laurinaitis

One gold medal, I have one gold medal. Jooooooyyyyyyy...!

Lithuania

* * *

To: Toris Laurinaitis  
From: Alfred F. Jones

Don't send letters to yourself, it's really distracting for me. Every time I look out the window I see you and Canada standing next to your mailboxes and doing nothing. It doesn't matter that the writer of this fanfiction didn't even know you existed until watching the anime!

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Toris Laurinaitis

DON'T BREAK THE FOURTH WALL! YOU'LL LET THE FANGIRLS IN AND WE'LL ALL BE DOOMED TO A HELL OF A LIFE!

Lithuania

* * *

To: Toris Laurinaitis  
From: Alfred F. Jones

Huh?

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Ludwig  
From: Antonio Fernandez Carriedo

Hey Germany, could you lend me some more €€€ since I want to go see the Olympics but I somehow managed to spend my own savings all on tomatoes? Thanks!

Spain

* * *

To: Antonio Fernandez Carriedo  
From: Ludwig

EVEN DURING THE OLYMPICS YOU STILL CAN'T STOP MASS-PURCHASING TOMATOES.

GERMANY

* * *

To: Feliciano Vargas  
From: Grandpa Rome

Ciao! Keep it up, grandson! You're doing great~!

Grandpa Rome~

* * *

To: Ludwig  
From: Feliciano Vargas

Ciao Germany!  
Guess what? I just got a letter from my Grandpa Rome and he says I'm doing great! Yay!

Italy~

* * *

To: Feliciano Vargas  
From: Ludwig

You do realise that it could just be some random person posing as your grandfather Rome.

Germany

* * *

To: Ludwig  
From: Feliciano Vargas

Oh...

* * *

To: Feliciano Vargas  
From: Grandpa Rome

No, I'm real!

Grandpa Rome~

* * *

To: Ludwig  
From: Feliciano Vargas

Hey, Germany!  
Grandpa says he's real! So he's real, right? Right?

Italy~

* * *

To: Feliciano Vargas  
From: Ludwig

Fine, whatever you want to think. Just try and keep America from hacking into your account. If he sees those e-mails he'll overreact.

Germany

* * *

To: Ludwig  
From: Feliciano Vargas

OK, sir!

* * *

To: Grandpa Rome  
From: Alfred F. Jones

WHOAH WHOAH WHOAH WHOAH ARE YOU REALLY THE ROMAN EMPIRE COOL COOL COOL COOL COOL COOL COOL COOL ALTHOUGH I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHERE ROME IS STILL COOL COOL COOL COOL COOL! HEY IF YOU'RE GOING TO VISIT US DON'T GO TO RUSSIA, HE'S ANNOYINGLY STRONG AND I HATE HIM!  
SO YOU'RE THE ROMAN EMPIRE AWESOME AWESOME AWESOME AWESOME AWESOME!

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Grandpa Rome

Annoyingly strong? !

Grandpa Rome~

* * *

[Russia's diary]

Today something really weird happened to me. I was walking down the street when suddenly this ghost appeared out of nowhere and started trying to punch me. But his fists kept going through me so I really didn't feel anything. He kept doing it for about twenty minutes.

* * *

To: [Germania]  
From: Grandpa Rome

WAHHHH TODAY I TRIED TO BEAT UP THIS ANNOYINGLY STRONG GUY BUT MY PUNCHES KEPT GOING THROUGH HIM! HAVE I BECOME A GHOST? !

Rome~

* * *

To: Grandpa Rome  
From: [Germania]

You've been a ghost for centuries.

Germania

* * *

To: [Germania]  
From: Grandpa Rome

Oh, really? I forgot!

Rome~

* * *

**Chinese Taipei... you...**  
**[Insert "hopeless" sign from the Spain mochi].**

**HETAHAZARD AND HETAQUEST UPDATED.**  
_**By the end: **_**Francis you moron, that's exactly what the masked guy wants...**  
**Here's what I thought up this morning-**

**Powerful but utterly useless people in HetaQuest (as in they're not doing anything vaguely useful at the moment):**

**- Yao Wang**  
**- Francis**  
**- Antonio**


	24. Part 24: The Ancients

**New poll: which characters would you like to see (more of) in Correspondence or National Journals?**

* * *

**THE ANCIENTS**

**Thanks to Nyapoop14 for the idea.**

* * *

**"All things atrocious and shameless flock from all parts to Rome."**

- Publius (or Gaius) Cornelius Tacitus

* * *

To: [Germania], Yao Wang, [Ancient Egypt], [Ancient Greece], and [Mesopotamia]

From: Grandpa Rome

Hellooo!  
I got really bored again today since God doesn't like it when I get into drunken fights and disturb Heaven. So I think I'll just randomly send everyone heavenly e-mails, haha! I'm so bored.

Rome~

* * *

To: Grandpa Rome  
From: Yao Wang

I have no idea how you got into heaven, ass. All you do, alive or dead, is sit around being useless.

China

* * *

To: Yao Wang  
From: Grandpa Rome

Hey, no need to be so mean. At least you're still alive!

Rome~

* * *

To: Grandpa Rome  
From: Yao Wang

DO YOU CALL LOSING TO A DIMWIT AT THE OLYMPICS AT YOUR HOME A LIFE?!

China

* * *

To: Yao Wang  
From: Grandpa Rome

Uh.

Rome~

* * *

To: Grandpa Rome  
From: [Germania]

I have no idea why you changed your name to "Grandpa Rome" and I won't even bother to ask.

Germania

* * *

To: [Germania]  
From: Grandpa Rome

Okay!

* * *

To: [Mesopotamia]  
From: Grandpa Rome

Say, I forgot, where were you again? For some reason my mental map will only show Rome! Could you refresh my memory?

Rome~

* * *

To: Grandpa Rome  
From: [Mesopotamia]

Oh, yeah, just forget about me. Yeah, everyone forget about me. Go see Old Lady Egypt's giant stacks of blocks instead of my hanging gardens, or Greece's stupid ruins, dammit. _They're_so much better. There's no need to even remember me, you nitwits.

Mesopotamia

* * *

To: [Mesopotamia]  
From: Grandpa Rome

You sound so much like my grandson!  
Oh, and your hanging gardens are gone now, remember? So I can't see how we could go visit them.

Rome!

* * *

To: Grandpa Rome  
From: [Mesopotamia]

THEY'RE GIANT STACKS OF BLOCKS WHAT'S SO SPECIAL ABOUT GIANT STACKS OF BLOCKS WHAT WHAT WHAT

* * *

To: [Mesopotamia]  
From: Grandpa Rome

Eh? What?

* * *

To: Grandpa Rome  
From: [Mesopotamia]

YOU JUST WANT TO HONOR ME YOU KNOW YOU DO DEEP DOWN YOU KNOW I'M THE GREATEST YOU JUST WANT TO HONOR ME

MESOPOTAMIA

* * *

To: [Mesopotamia]  
From: Grandpa Rome

Say, how many bottles of heavenly wine did you have last night?

Rome

* * *

To: Grandpa Rome  
From: [Mesopotamia]

Only thirty-seven! And?

* * *

**Many centuries earlier...**

* * *

To: Roman Empire  
From: Lovino Vargas

I got a stomach ache this morning! It's all your fault dammit!

Romano

* * *

To: Lovino Vargas  
From: Roman Empire

Dear Grandson,  
Could you tell me how many tomatoes you had last night?

Rome~

* * *

To: Roman Empire  
From: Lovino Vargas

Only a hundred and three! And?

Romano

* * *

**. . .**

* * *

To: [Mesopotamia]  
From: Grandpa Rome

Yeah, you sound just like my grandson!

Rome~

* * *

To: Grandpa Rome  
From: [Mesopotamia]

SHUT IT ASS I DON'T GIVE A DAMN ABOUT YOUR GRANDSON YOU BLEEPING SIMPLETON

MESOPOTAMIA

* * *

To: [Germania]  
From: Grandpa Rome

Hey, what does "simpleton" mean? Something like "the great and powerful guy," right?

Rome~

* * *

To: Grandpa Rome  
From: [Germania]

Yes, something like that.

Germania

* * *

To: [Ancients]  
From: Grandpa Rome

HI! Mesopotamia says I'm the greatest empire! See why all the ladies love me?

Rome

* * *

To: [Ancients]  
From: [Mesopotamia]

I did not.

Mesopotamia

* * *

To: Grandpa Rome  
From: Yao Wang

You're not the greatest empire. For example, Opium's British Empire was about 27.2 million square kilometers larger than yours (hate him).

China

* * *

To: Yao Wang  
From: Grandpa Rome

Usurped by a former pirate?

Rome

* * *

To: Grandpa Rome  
From: Yao Wang

And the Mongol Empire, the Russian Empire, the Spanish Empire, the Mauryan Empire, the Achaemenid Empire, the Qing Dynasty (ha), the Yuan Dynasty (haha), the Umayyad Caliphate, the Second French Colonial Empire, the Abbasid Caliphate, the Tang Dynasty (hahaha), the Portuguese Empire, the Rashidun Caliphate, the Empire of Brazil, the First French Colonial Empire, the Japanese Empire (I hate him), and the Ming and Han Dynasties (hahahaha).

China

* * *

To: [Vietnam]  
From: Donotreply

Your club, We Hate China!, has 1 new member.

* * *

To: [Ancients]  
From: [Mesopotamia]

AND THEN THERE'S STUPID OLD PANDAFACE'S BLEEPING USELESS WALL

* * *

To: [Mesopotamia]  
From: Germania

Ah, so that's where all of the alcohol disappeared to.

Germania

* * *

**[Meanwhile]**

* * *

To: [Everyone]  
From: Alfred F. Jones

I'm safely on the surface of Mars. GALE CRATER I AM IN YOU!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Arthur Kirkland

AMERICA'S VIDEOGAME SYSTEM I AM DESTROYING YOU!

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Alfred F. Jones

You know, I just thought of something. If you put all of my e-mails to you in the spam label, why is it that you reply to basically every one of them?

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

**Haha, everyone hates China. That's for my terrible grudge against him for inventing Chinese. Bleh. ****去死吧，中國。我很討厭你。**

**Wow, Mesopotamia turned out to be such a drunkard.**

**Yes, I know there were loads of different kingdoms/empires in Mesopotamia, like Sumer and and Akkadian and Babylonian empires, but I got lazy, see?**

** It's like their gods. I think there was a god for basically every tool.**

* * *

**Tales of Hetalia: **  
**Has anyone watched it? Once again HetaOni is moved down another place. For some reason I still can't make myself finish RomaHeta, every time I just get bored and go back to some kind of ship battle I want to figure out. Maybe I just haven't gotten to the right part.**

**I wonder who the Judge of Darkness is, Russia? **

**Babbling to get to my new limit of 900 words.**

* * *

**Auf Wiedersehen.**


	25. Part 25: Post Olympia

**"There is a Providence that protects idiots, drunkards, children and the United States of America."**

- Otto von Bismarck

* * *

To: Eduard von Bock  
From: Lovino Vargas

Dear stupid temporary neighbor at the stupid hotel,  
Get your stupid freaky white mutants away from my hotel room. They keep getting in my room and freaking me out. Especially that idiotic Spanish-looking one. What has he got on his head, a tomato? They seem almost menacing with those beady eyes and squishy-ish look.

Romano

PS.: I ate the tomato.

* * *

To: Tino Väinämöinen  
From: Eduard von Bock

[Forwarded: _From Lovino Vargas to Eduard Von Bock, Subj: Damn you_]

Menacing squishy-ish look?

Estonia

* * *

To: Eduard von Bock  
From: Tino Väinämöinen

Maybe he's on crack.

Finland

* * *

**Post Olympics.**

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Yao Wang

[_This e-mail has been removed because a virus has been detected_]

* * *

To: Yao Wang  
From: Alfred F. Jones

MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! YOU TOTALLY LOST.

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Yao Wang

From: Alfred F. Jones

NOOO! SORRY DON'T WITHDRAW YOUR CHEAP LABOR! YOU'LL RUIN MEEEE!

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: [India]

Dear England,

Would you like me to calculate the probability of you ever getting third place again in the Olympics?

India

* * *

To: [India]  
From: Arthur Kirkland

Dear Great and powerful Republic of India,

No.

- The even greater and more powerful England

* * *

To: Kiku Honda  
From: Alfred F. Jones

I heard about the mutant butterflies! Can I have one? I always wanted a mutant butterfly for a pet! They seem so cool! So can you get me one? PLEEASE?

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Kiku Honda

I will try.

Japan

* * *

To: Sadiq Adnan  
From: Heracles Karpusi

I'm surprised an idiot such as you managed to get a place. Just don't take off your mask for any ceremonies. The ugliness of your face will kill the audience on sight.

Greece

* * *

To: Heracles Karpusi  
From: Sadiq Adnan

You're just mad because you're 43 places below me. And for the record, you're stupider than I am. After all, _I_ conquered _you._

Turkey

* * *

To: Sadiq Adnan  
From: Heracles Karpusi

We're going back to that argument again? What about when you got your precious empire dissolved?  
And at least I'm not named after a food.

Greece

* * *

To: Heracles Karpusi  
From: Sadiq Adnan

I AM NOT NAMED AFTER A FOOD.

Republic of Turkey

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Alfred F. Jones

So, new species of human, huh?

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Arthur Kirkland

Apparently, yes. What they didn't realise was that we already have a living specimen right here.  
Ah, well. They're usually focussed on long-dead ones.

England

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Alfred F. Jones

Ha. Ha. I see what you're getting at. I think I'll just try and ignore that comment for now.

- AMERICA

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Arthur Kirkland

What? I meant the kraut. _You're_ more like a primitive version of _homo habilis_.

England

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Alfred F. Jones

Ass. What about France? You've probably come up with something for him, too, haven't you.

- AMERICA THE REALLY-ANGRY-BUT-NOT-SHOWING-IT HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Arthur Kirkland

France? No, he doesn't even count as an intelligent being.

England

* * *

To: Kiku Honda  
From: Alfred F. Jones

HEY! WHAT WAS THAT FREAKY THING YOU SENT ME? !  
I ASKED FOR A MUTANT BUTTERFLY! !

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Kiku Honda

That was a mutant butterfly.

Japan

* * *

[Text]

To: Roderich Edelstein  
From: Basch Zwingli

I can see you out there in my yard. You're not asking for a loan, are you? If you're asking for a loan I'll kill you. I'm not kidding, I'll just take this rifle I'm holding here and shoot you. Really. I don't appreciate having people ask me for loans. It's very annoying. So go away before I blow up your head. I'm not loaning anyone anything.

Switzerland

* * *

[Text]  
To: Basch Zwingli  
From: Roderich Edelstein

I'm not asking for a loan, I'm asking for you to point your Panzerfaust 3 anti-tank weapons away from my house.

Austria

* * *

**I'm adding quotes everywhere. New cover image, I really overdid it with the editor.**

**Embarrassingly short. Heh.**  
**I was working on this other "story."**

**Has anyone watched the BBC TV series **_**Sherlock**_**?**  
**I just found out that CBS is making another Sherlock Holmes television series, **_**Elementary**_**. Quite pathetic in my opinion. ****Apparently CBS approached BBC earlier about remaking **_**Sherlock**_**.**

**Mph.**

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Arthur Kirkland

COPYING ME AGAIN, ARE YOU?

- ENGLAND

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Alfred F. Jones

Are you going to start cursing me now? I'll call you if it, by some miraculous phenomenon, actually works.

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: [Everyone]  
From: Alfred F. Jones

[Forwarded: _From Arthur Kirkland to Alfred F. Jones, Subj: GIT_]

BRITAIN ABUSED THE CAPS LOCK KEY! ! ! SO HE'S A HYPOCRITE AFTER ALL! ! HAHAHAHAHA ! ! !

- AMERICA THE TRIUMFENT HERO!


	26. Part 26

CORRESPONDENCE BETWEEN HETALIANS 26

* * *

**Switzerland is a country where few things begin, but many things end.**

- F. Scott Fitzgerald

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Alfred F. Jones

OK! So this is what I've gathered about Switzy!  
- Never step into his territory, or he'll shoot your head off.  
- Never flirt with Liechtenstein, or he'll shoot your head off (I got that from France, too bad his head is still on, though!)  
- Never bring up his time with Austria, or he'll shoot your head off.  
- Buy his chocolate, because it's awesome.  
- Never visit him unannounced, because he'll chase you out threatening to shoot your head off.  
- Never buy expensive stuff in front of him, or else he'll get really nervous and probably shoot your head off without thinking.  
- And lastly, never call him Switzy because he'll shoot you!

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Basch Zwingli  
From: Arthur Kirkland

America called you "Switzy."

England

* * *

To: DATMORON  
From: Alfred F. Jones

AW HEY, that was mean. You're paying my hospital bills.

By the way, China told me how to change your name!

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: DATMORON

I am NOT paying your hospital bills.  
I don't care that you changed my name. I now have the resources to change it back. Ha. Do not underestimate the British Empire.

England

* * *

To: Yao Wang  
From: DATMORON

Please tell me how to change it back.

England

* * *

To: DATMORON  
From: Yao Wang

File:Me_laughing

China

* * *

To: Yao Wang  
From: DATMORON

Please?

England

* * *

To: The Awesome Gilbert Beilschmidt  
From: Ludwig

Return the fifty bottles of beer you stole. I mean it this time.

Germany

* * *

To: Ludwig  
From: The Awesome Gilbert Beilschmidt

Dear West,  
Aw, fine. Just for my little brother. I'll vomit it all out again when I have time, OK?

THE AWESOME PRUSSIA

* * *

To: The Awesome Gilbert Beilschmidt  
From: Ludwig

Brother,  
You've only had them for half an hour.

Germany

* * *

To: Ludwig  
From: Roderich Edelstein

Dear Germany,  
You will remove your drunk brother Prussia from my house immediately or else I will send him to Switzerland.

Austria

* * *

To: Gilbert Beilschmidt  
From: Ludwig

[Forwarded: To Basch Zwingli, From Gilbert Beilschmidt, Subj: HONOR ME!]

PRAISE ME! HONOR ME! BOW DOWN TO ME, THE GREAT PRUSSIA!

You're lucky I intercepted that e-mail before something terrible happened. Don't you remember what happened to Denmark?  
Try and restrain yourself next time.

Germany

* * *

To: Antonio Fernandez Carriedo  
From: Francis Bonnefoy

Dear Spain,  
Do you happen to know what happened to Pierre No. 1? I sent him to you a few days ago but he never returned.

~ France

* * *

To: Francis Bonnefoy  
From: Antonio Fernandez Carriedo

I don't know, sorry

Spain

* * *

To: Antonio Fernandez Carriedo  
From: Francis Bonnefoy

Oh. Merci for looking.

~ France

* * *

To: Lovino Vargas  
From: Antonio Fernandez Carriedo

Now look what you've done. I could hardly tell him that you roasted one of his Pierres and fed it to your cat.

Spain

* * *

To: Antonio Fernandez Carriedo  
From: Lovino Vargas

It was a Pierre or one of your sea turtles.  
Honestly, why the hell did you give them such stupid names as Tomato, Churros, and Tomato #2? Maybe I should have roasted Tomato #2.

Romano

* * *

To: Lovino Vargas  
From: Antonio Fernandez Carriedo

Aw, fine. I could rename #2 Romano if you wanted! After all, your face does look like a tomato when you're angry!

Spain

* * *

To: Ludwig  
From: Feliciano Vargas

Dear Germany,  
I know I've never really put much effort into all of your training, but lately I'm really starting to see that I'm really far behind. Just yesterday I saw my brother Romano beating Spain with a watering can. I don't even know how to beat people with gardening tools.

Your friend,  
Italy

* * *

**So short...**

**School just started. It'll probably be a long while to the next update.**  
**Let's just say this: Kolkolkolkolkolkol.**

**I just took a look at my W.S.S. textbook. There's this one chapter that's supposed to cover the time from 1740 - 1799. **  
**1740: War of Austrian Succession begins**  
**1799: Napoleon Bonaparte gets control of France/ French Revolutionary Wars**

**Does it mention either? **  
**No.**  
**Kolkol.**  
**Blast.**

**By the way, there are these islands called the Aru Islands in Indonesia. **


	27. Part 27: Memories

"**I had a very high-grade publisher tell me I was incapable of writing a memoir."**

- Mitch Albom

* * *

To: [Britain's Boss]  
From: Arthur Kirkland

WHAT? ! You want me to write a memoir? ! Isn't that essentially just writing a history of England?  
And besides, wouldn't it be really suspicious if, for example, I showed that I can recall perfectly dialogue from 946 years ago?

England

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: [Britain's Boss]

Well, you can just pick a meaningful point in your history and try to incorporate a life lesson into it. You don't have to write down your entire life.  
And by the way, I don't think anyone would recognise the dialogue as being authentic, seeing as not many people have lived that long. So just try to write something meaningful and worthwhile.

Cheers,  
Your Boss

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Alfred F. Jones

HAHAHA! YOU HAVE TO WRITE A STUPID MEMWAR! HAHAHAHAHA! YOU HAVE TO WRITE A BORING AND STUPID MEMWAR WHICH NO ONE'S ACTUALLY GONNA READ! HAHAHAHA! I'M LAUGHING MY ASS OFF!

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Arthur Kirkland

It's spelled, "memoir," idiot.

England

* * *

[England's first draft]

"There was this one point 946 years ago when that brainless dipsomaniacal ponce got the stupidest idea into his head to..."

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: [America's Boss]

Dear Alfred/America,

I and several other leaders have decided to have you and some other nations write memoirs, which we believe will help you, in life and other things. Please try not to take offense, it's for your own good.

- America's Boss

* * *

To: [America's Boss]  
From: Alfred F. Jones

Wut.

* * *

To: [Iran's Boss]  
From: [Iran]

I'LL KILL YOU! ! !

– Iran

* * *

To: [America's Boss]  
From: [Iran's Boss]

_[Forwarded: From Iran to Iran's Boss, Subj: I'LL KILL YOU! ! !]_

See, that's why.

– Iran's Boss

* * *

To: [France's Boss]  
From: Francis Bonnefoy

I'm going on strike.

~ France

* * *

To: Francis Bonnefoy  
From: [France's Boss]

DON'T GO ON STRIKE _NOW_JUST BECAUSE OF HAVING TO WRITE A MEMOIR! HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN THAT WE'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF A DEBT CRISIS? !

France's Boss

* * *

To: [France's Boss]  
From: Francis Bonnefoy

I choose to forget.

~ France

* * *

To: [Greece's Boss]  
From: Heracles Karpusi

I don't feel like writing.

Greece

* * *

To: Heracles Karpusi  
From: [Greece's Boss]

Just write it. It'll help the economy.

* * *

[Excerpt from the diary of Greece's Boss]

...It'll help the economy because he'll be too busy writing the memoir to object to foreign help or make things difficult. I love this plan.

* * *

[Greece's first draft]

I wish I could be a cat. Then I could sleep all day and be called Heraclaws Karpussy.

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: [America's Boss]

Have you begun writing yet?

* * *

To: [America's Boss]  
From: Alfred F. Jones

YUP!

Attached: memwar. docx

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Antonio Fernandez Carriedo  
From: Lovino Vargas

Dear Tomato Bastard,  
My stupid boss is making me write a damn memoir for no good reason. Which is stupid since nothing interesting has ever happened to me. Point is: I don't have a damn idea what to write.  
So you're going to write it for me.  
Due Monday.

– Romano

* * *

To: Lovino Vargas  
From: Antonio Fernandez Carriedo

I'm not even in school anymore!

Spain

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: [America's Boss]

America:  
This isn't even a memoir! The only word on these pages is "f**king" repeated hundreds of times!

– Your Boss

* * *

To: [America's Boss]  
From: Alfred F. Jones

It's Tony language!

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: [Britain's Boss]

So the life lesson of your memoir is, "France is a wanker."

* * *

To: [Britain's Boss]  
From: Arthur Kirkland

Correct.

* * *

To: [France's Boss]  
From: Francis Bonnefoy

Here is my memoir.

I've shared **Gorgeous Memoir**  
Click to open: Gorgeous Memoir

Google Drive: create, share, and keep all your stuff in one place.

* * *

To: Francis Bonnefoy  
From: [France's Boss]

I should have guessed.

A memoir is NOT just the entire first section of the France Wikipedia page copy-pasted onto a document with "I am gorgeous" added at the end. You didn't even bother getting rid of the links! How lazy can a country _get_?!

– An angry boss

* * *

[France's "memoir"]

_~ My Memoir by France ~_

**France**  
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia  
_This article is about the country. For other uses, see France (disambiguation)._

**France** (English **i**/ˈfræns/ _**franss**_ or /ˈfrɑːns/ _**frahnss**_; French: [fʁɑ̃s] ( listen)), officially the **French Republic** (French: _République française_ French pronunciation: [ʁepyblik fʁɑ̃sɛz]), is a unitary semi-presidential republic in Western Europe with several overseas territories and islands. Metropolitan France extends from the Mediterranean Sea to the English Channel and the North Sea, and from the Rhine to the Atlantic Ocean. It is often referred to as _l'Hexagone_ ("The Hexagon") because of the geometric shape of its territory. It is the largest country in Western Europe and the third-largest in Europe as a whole, and it possesses the second-largest exclusive economic zone in the world, covering 11,035,000 km2 (4,260,000 sq mi), just behind that of the United States (11,351,000 km2 / 4,383,000 sq mi).  
Over the past 500 years, France has been a major power with strong cultural, economic, military and political influence in Europe...

* * *

To: [Britain's Boss]  
From: [France's Boss]

You know, I don't think this memoir thing was such a good idea after all.

* * *

To: [France's Boss]  
From: [Britain's Boss]

Agreed.

* * *

**This one popped up as I was trying to write a memoir for English class. This is 425 words longer than my memoir is so far, which is a bad thing.**  
**Has anyone else had to perform such an atrocity as writing a memoir when you haven't even lived though a quarter of your expected life span? **  
**Apparently we have to have an extended metaphor and blah, blah, blah [insert teacher droning on and on and **_**this section has been omitted due to lengthiness**_**]...**

**Not that it's hard to come up with metaphors and similes.**

**~ - - The mind of Francis Bonnefoy is like a toilet bowl, empty but for several unwanted elements. - - ~**

* * *

**********V REVIEW! V**


	28. Part 28: I Forgot About Him Again

**I've been to Canada, and I've always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days.**

- Jon Stewart

* * *

**Epilogue to "Memories"**

To: [Everyone]  
From: Basch Zwingli

You are all so stupid. I don't think anyone but Germany, China, Japan and I actually _tried _to write a memoir. Now I'm making even more money! I can't believe how stupid all of you are to miss an opportunity to get rich!

Switzerland

* * *

To: [Vietnam]  
From: Donotreply

Your club, We Hate China!, has 1 new member.

* * *

To: Matthew Williams  
From: Matthew Williams

I wonder if anyone even noticed that I'd written something.

Your past self from two minutes ago

* * *

**CORRESPONDENCE BETWEEN HETALIANS 28**

Thanks to **KiaraWangWilliams**

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Matthew Williams

Dear America,  
Did you read my memoir? I hope you did.

Canada

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Matthew Williams

Did you notice my last e-mail?

- Canada

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Matthew Williams

Hello?

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Alfred F. Jones

HEY HEY HEY ENGLAND DID YOU KNOW DID YOU KNOW? FACEBOOK JUST BOUGHT INSTAGRAM! FACEBOOK IS SO AWESOME AWESOME AWESOME AWESOME AND COOL TOO!

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Arthur Kirkland

Yes, I do know. Now please shut up. You sound like... _Italy_.

England

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Matthew Williams

THIS IS THE LAST STRAW! ! ! I SEND YOU THREE E-MAILS AND YOU DON'T NOTICE _ONE_? ! HONESTLY! HOW BLIND CAN YOU GET? ! I MEAN I KNOW YOU HAVE GLASSES AND I UNDERSTAND BUT YOU SHOULD REALLY TRY TO NOTICE EVEN THOUGH YOUR EYESIGHT IS PROBABLY WORSE THAN MINE AND I DOUBT YOU CAN SEE ANYTHING WITHOUT YOU GLASSES AND I FEEL SORRY FOR YOU BUT YOU SHOULD STILL NOTICE ME! ! !  
Canada

* * *

To: Matthew Williams  
From: Kumajiro

I saw your rant. It was _bad_. You should just go and beat him up or something.

* * *

To: Kumajiro  
From: Matthew Williams

But I don't know how to beat him up. He's like Iron Man or something!

Canada

* * *

To: Matthew Williams  
From: Kumajiro

Just DO it.

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Alfred F. Jones

HELP! BRITAIN I'M BEING ATTACKED BY A GHOST! HELP MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Arthur Kirkland

It's probably just Canada, you _moron_! Can't you recognise your own twin?

England

* * *

To: Francis Bonnefoy  
From: Arthur Kirkland

Some hero America is. He thinks he's being attacked by a ghost and the first thing he thinks of to do is to panic and e-mail me for help. That kind of reminds me of you.

England

* * *

To: [America's Boss]  
From: Alfred F. Jones

Haha! You know, the funniest thing just happened! I was sitting around playing video-games and stuff, you know, and then suddenly I started being attacked by this ghost and of course, I didn't panic and I beat it, only it turned out it was Canada! Hahahaha! I just wonder what he was doing in the first place!

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: [America's Boss]

You know, has it ever occurred to you that maybe your brother Canada is resentful of how you're constantly getting him into trouble?

Your Boss

* * *

To: [America's Boss]  
From: Alfred F. Jones

Wha... I've never actually thought about that before...  
GAHHHHHHH! WHAT IF IT TURNS OUT LIKE THOSE MOVIES AND HE GETS SUPER PISSED AT ME AND EVENTUALLY TURNS ON ME AND TRIES TO DESTROY ME USING CREEPY METHODS?! AHHHHHHHHHH ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

- AMERICA THE SCARED HERO!

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Alfred F. Jones

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! ! ! ! !

* * *

To: Francis Bonnefoy  
From: Alfred F. Jones

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! ! ! ! !

* * *

To: Yao Wang  
From: Alfred F. Jones

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! ! ! ! !

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Yao Wang

What's your problem? !

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Arthur Kirkland

America. Shut. UP!

* * *

To: Matthew Williams  
From: Alfred F. Jones

HEY CANADA!

YOU WANNA GO OUT FOR ICE CREAM LATER? I REMEMBER YOU LIKED MAPLE-SYRUP FLAVOR, RIGHT? IT'LL BE ON ME!

- AMERICA THE HERO!

PS.: Don't destroy me.

* * *

To: Matthew Williams  
From: Alfred F. Jones

Canada?

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Alfred F. Jones

AHHHH BRITAIN!

He didn't reply! That must be a declaration of eternal hatred! Oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no OH NO! !

- AMERICA THE PANICKED HERO!

* * *

[Canada's diary]

Today I took Kumakichi to the vet and we ran into a lot of problems. You know, like Kuma going crazy when the vet tried to give him a shot. He bent up the syringe by chewing on it like a mad dog. The visit took all day and twelve syringes.

* * *

**Fast update, huh? I didn't really want to post this so quickly, but I'll be nice since I already have a third of 29 written.**

**Random fact: Since the French didn't at all like William of Orange (crowned jointly with Mary as rulers of England in 1689), they spread rumours that he was in love with the Earl of Albemarle. ****Typical France. William didn't like them, either.**

**NOTE:**

**Get me another SIX reviews and I'll post another part Thursday or Friday (the next one's mostly on the Balkans and Hungary and more America and England), or as soon as I get six(/ten)! Ten or more and I'll do one Saturday, too (_RomaHeta_ Reactions).**

**SO TYPE IN THAT BOX BELOW... LIKE NOW.**


	29. Part 29: Balkans

**Remember all those references to Macedonia as the oasis of peace in the Balkans. You only really appreciate it when you have lost it.**

- Boris Trajkovski

* * *

**CORRESPONDENCE BETWEEN HETALIANS 29**

* * *

To: Elizabeta Héderváry  
From: [Romania]

Ei, school just started, didn't it? Why are you still at home? I thought you had to retake first grade.

– Romania

* * *

To: [Romania]  
From: Elizabeta Héderváry

Why are _you _ditching class? Didn't you fail kindergarten?

Hungary

* * *

To: Elizabeta Héderváry  
From: [Romania]

PORCINE ! ! !

* * *

To: [Romania]  
From: Elizabeta Héderváry

Sertés! Ion Antonescu!

* * *

To: Elizabeta Héderváry and [Romania]  
From: [Bulgaria]

You two are annoying. Last time I checked, you two were both on the International Mentally Retarded list.

Bulgaria

* * *

To: [Romania]  
From: Elizabeta Héderváry

Truce?

* * *

To: Elizabeta Héderváry  
From: [Romania]

Truce.

* * *

To: Elizabeta Héderváry and [Romania]  
From: [Bulgaria]

GOT IT! GOT IT! I SURRENDER! PLEASE REMOVE YOU SIEGE ENGINES FROM MY ROSE BED! ! LIKE, NOW PLEASE! DON'T YOU HAVE SOME KIND OF MUTUAL ANNIHILATION TO ATTEND TO? !

BULGARIA

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Alfred F. Jones

Hey Britain! Do you remember what that place between Estonia and Lithuania is called? I failed another of my boss's surprise geography quizzes (what ! ! He only gave me two days to study!)

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Arthur Kirkland

It's Latvia. Try to remember for once.

England

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Alfred F. Jones

Really? ! Latvia? Hasn't he already been absorbed by the scarf commie? Ah, well.  
Thanks Iggy!

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Arthur Kirkland

_...Don't... call... me..."Iggy"..._

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Alfred F. Jones

Dude, I can just see the condensed evil oozing down out of those four words. Really, try to be less of a personification of pure evil, will ya?

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: [Macedonia]  
From: Elizabeta Héderváry

Hey Macedonia! How are you doing? I hope you're well! Say, do you remember that bag of Swiss chocolates in the refrigerator? Those are mine, right? _Right_? Anyways, I just wanted to say hello!

– Hungary

* * *

To: [Macedonia]  
From: [Romania]

Dear friend,  
How are you? I do hope that you're doing well. By the way, may I ask a favor of you? Could you please clarify to that brain-dead swine lady that that bag of chocolates is, in fact, _mine_, and that she should stop trying to claim it for herself.

– Romania

* * *

To: [Bulgaria]  
From: [Romania]

[Forwarded: _From Elizabeta Héderváry to [Macedonia], Subj: Hello!_ and_From [Romania] to [Macedonia] Subj: Dear Friend_]

I have no idea of what to do.

Macedonia

* * *

To: [Macedonia]  
From: [Bulgaria]

Why don't you trying going and smacking Italy on the head with a stick a few times? I find it always helps me think.

– Bulgaria

* * *

To: [Bulgaria]  
From: [Macedonia]

Oh, thanks.

* * *

To: Ludwig  
From: Feliciano Vargas

GERMANYYYYYYYYYY! I was just peacefully eating pasta on my lawn when Macedonia suddenly popped up and started smacking me on the head with a stick! It hurrrts! HELP! !

Italy~

* * *

To: Feliciano Vargas  
From: Ludwig

One question first, is he using Herr Stick?

* * *

To: Ludwig  
From: Feliciano Vargas

No, HELP ! !

* * *

To: Feliciano Vargas  
From: Ludwig

Okay, that's good to know (if he had been then I would have had to declare war). Why don't you, instead of texting me for help in a panic, just use your incredible skills of retreat and run away?

Germany

* * *

To: Ludwig  
From: Feliciano Vargas

But that would be rude to Macedonia!

Italy~

* * *

To: Feliciano Vargas  
From: Ludwig

Go away and stop texting me.

Germany

* * *

To: [Netherlands]  
From: Bella

Big Brother, just be nice! Maybe if you help out the indebted countries now, they'll help you, too, later!  
"Never impose on others what you would not choose for yourself." – Confucius  
Listen to Confucius!

Your little sister,  
Belgium

* * *

To: Bella  
From: [Netherlands]

Okay, fine. I'll only charge _60% _interest, satisfied?

Netherlands

* * *

To: Ludwig  
From: Feliciano Vargas

Hey, Germany!

I was just wondering, why would Macedonia taking Herr Stick be a cause for war?  
Please answer soon!

Italy~

* * *

To: Feliciano Vargas  
From: Ludwig

Herr Stick is Herr Stick.

Germany

* * *

To: Gilbert Beilschmidt  
From: Feliciano Vargas

How come you didn't take as much beer from Germany as you usually do?

Italy~

* * *

**And there you have it. Finally, Belgium and the Netherlands!**  
**I'm obsessed with the Balkans at the moment. So...heh. For some reason I really like Macedonia. But not as much as messed-up Mesopotamia.**

**Random Fact:**** One of the Balkans, Kosovo, only got independence in 2008.**

* * *

To: [Bulgaria] and [Macedonia]  
From: Kosovo

The chocolates were actually mine, you know.

Kosovo

* * *

To: [Kosovo]  
From: [Bulgaria]

Really? Sorry. We kinda forgot about you.

Bulgaria

* * *

To: [Bulgaria]  
From: [Kosovo]

Ah, well. So long as you enjoyed the candy. How is Macedonia doing? Albania says he's still in the hospital after being beaten up by Hungary and Romania for giving the chocolates to you.

Give him my regards,  
Kosovo

* * *

**R.E.V.I.E.W.**

**As in: Review. Eat scones if you don't. Vell, vhat are you vaiting for? ! I mean it! EAT SCONES! WELL, JUST DO IT!**


	30. Part 30: RomaHeta

**CORRESPONDENCE BETWEEN HETALIANS PART 30**

* * *

By the way, vote for part 31:** Nordics, Prussia and Germany **or** England and France (and maybe America and Canada, too)**?

* * *

**REACTIONS TO ROMAHETA**

* * *

To: Kiku Honda  
From: Francis Bonnefoy

This is atrocious.

~ France

* * *

To: Kiku Honda  
From: Arthur Kirkland

That was so incredibly boring I can't believe I actually managed to watch the whole thing.

...Actually, I didn't.  
I fell asleep after the fifth part.

England

* * *

To: Kiku Honda  
From: Yao Wang

I'm not that weird.

China

* * *

To: Kiku Honda  
From: Francis Bonnefoy

This is atrocious.

~ France

* * *

To: Kiku Honda  
From: Lovino Vargas  
POO YOU.

– Romano

* * *

To: Ludwig  
From: Feliciano Vargas

I still don't get it.

Italy ~

* * *

To: Feliciano Vargas  
From: Ludwig

Don't bother trying.

Germany

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Ludwig

Dear England,

Do you have some kind of spell to enhance the intelligence of an overly carefree pasta addict who doesn't seem to be able to open his eyes?

Germany

* * *

To: Kiku Honda  
From: Antonio Fernandez Carriedo

...Uh... what? So that invisible little guy's evil? !

– Spain

* * *

To: Kiku Honda  
From: Basch Zwingli

Hm. It wasn't terrible, I guess.

Switzerland

[_Japan's side note in the margin: That was probably because he was a vendor._]

* * *

To: Kiku Honda  
From: Francis Bonnefoy

This is atrocious! The portraits come nowhere near to accurately portraying my natural beauty!

~ France

* * *

To: Kiku Honda  
From: Natalya Arlovskaya

IMBECILE. HOW _DARE _YOU ENDANGER MY BROTHER?

* * *

To: Kiku Honda  
From: Alfred F. Jones

I was the HERO!

- AMERICA THE HERO!

[_Japan's side note in the margin: I guess that explains it all..._]

* * *

To: Kiku Honda  
From: Ivan Braginski

Don't you guys ever get tired of making me evil?

– Russia :(

* * *

To: Kiku Honda  
From: [Holy Roman Empire]

Can't I ever rest in peace? !

– Holy Roman Empire

[_Japan's side note in the margin: …?_]

* * *

**THE ANCIENTS 2**

* * *

To: [Ancient Greece]  
From: [Mesopotamia]

BULLY BULLY BULLY BULLY BULLY BULLY BULLY BULLY BULLY BULLY BULLY BULLY BULLY BULLY BULLY BULLY BULLY BULLY BULLY BULLY BULLY BULLY BULLY BULLY BULLY BULLY BULLY BULLY BULLY BULLY BULLY BULLY BULLY BULLY BULLY BULLY BULLY BULLY BULLY!

* * *

To: [Ancient Greece]  
From: [Mesopotamia]

_Please_? With a llama on top?

* * *

To: [Ancient Greece]  
From: [Mesopotamia]

GIVE ME MY BEER BACK! ! !

* * *

_The rest of this section has been omitted due to excessive spamming/crying._

* * *

To: [Everyone]  
From: Alfred F. Jones

HEY EVERYONE!  
THE HERO IS GIVING ADVICE AGAIN! WOOHOO!  
ASK ME ANYTHING!

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Arthur Kirkland

Dear Imbecile,

Why are you starting this up again? You're so stupid that any advice you give will only make already bad situations even worse.

England

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Alfred F. Jones

Dude, it took you about thirty seconds to reply. Why do you always have to shoot my ideas down so quickly?

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Arthur Kirkland

Says the one who is always insulting my food! Petrified couch stuffing my foot!

England

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones and Arthur Kirkland  
From: Yao Wang

Your conversations are so boring and repetitive that it almost isn't even worth hacking anymore.

China

* * *

To: [Macedonia]  
From: [Bulgaria]

Hi, Macedonia,  
Do you know who's hosting the Halloween party this year? If yes, please tell me! I really need to know!  
Thanks,  
Bulgaria

* * *

To: [Bulgaria]  
From.: [Macedonia]

France is hosting it. Why are you asking? It's about one and a half of a month until Halloween comes around.

Macedonia

* * *

To: [Macedonia]  
From: [Bulgaria]

Oh, it's just that if it was Romania, I'd have to prepare a few hundred tons of garlic in advance.

Bulgaria

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Yao Wang

You know, Opium, now that I think about it, your food _does _taste a bit like how I'd imagine petrified couch stuffing rubbed on your foot would taste like. Nice metaphor.

China

* * *

To: Yao Wang  
From: Arthur Kirkland

Piss off.

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Alfred F. Jones

YO ENGLAND! !  
Have you made me a cake yet? You still owe me a cake from my birthday when you were sick! !

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Arthur Kirkland

Of course I have. I made you a giant scone. Enjoy!

England

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Alfred F. Jones

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Arthur Kirkland

You don't have the guts to say it, do you.

England

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Alfred F. Jones

No, unfortunately I don't. And it's all because of that JERK!

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Yao Wang

What? So your boss doesn't like you cursing so much. Is that such a bad thing?

China

* * *

To: Yao Wang  
From: Alfred F. Jones

DAMN TATTLE-TALE.

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: The Awesome Gilbert Beilschmidt  
From: The Awesome Gilbert Beilschmidt

YOU ARE SO AWESOME ! !

* * *

**Sorry for the really late update and the fact that this part doesn't have much content. **

**School's a pain.**  
**No, let's narrow that down. Chinese is a pain.**

**Random Fact:**** Mozart once wrote this one canon called "Lick me in the Arse (Leck mich im Arsch)," really, he did. **

**Wikipedia: "'****Leck mich im Arsch'** (literally "Lick me in the arse") is a canon in B-flat major composed by Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, K. 231 (K. 382c), with lyrics in German.**"**


	31. Part 31

To: [Serbia]

From: [Kosovo]

Can't you please recognise me now? Over 90 of the others have already, including Mr. America and most of the European Union.

Kosovo

* * *

To: [Kosovo]

From: [Serbia]

Can't quite remember who you are. You that stupid short little brat who keeps trying to get independence? 'Cause I remember crushing that little idiot back in 2008.

Cheers,

Serbia

* * *

**CORRESPONDENCE BETWEEN HETALIANS 31**

* * *

To: Berwald Oxenstierna  
From Tino Väinämöinen

Dear Sweden,  
Have you gotten over that argument with Belarus yet? I hope that's over now, because I was hoping that the five of us could, you know, go for a picnic or something sometime, and that really wouldn't work out if you were being stalked by Russia's creepy little sister the whole time. It would just be scary.

It's scary how obsessed she is with Russia, too. Sometimes I wish she'd just turn around and see that Lithuania is in love with her. I feel really sorry for him, he's so much in love that he doesn't even notice when she mutilates his fingers.

Very best regards,  
Finland

* * *

To: Tino Väinämöinen  
From: Berwald Oxenstierna

Yeah. And that teddy bear thing is pretty much settled now.

Sweden

* * *

To: Ludwig  
From: The Awesome Gilbert Beilschmidt

Hallo, West!  
How are you?  
You know, today I saw the weirdest thing while I was out taking a walk (nope, I was _not_ harassing Austria!) I was just walking and then I saw those Nordic guys out having a picnic!  
You know, that weird combination of three creepy loonies, a loudmouth idiot and Santa Claus?  
Anyway, it looked so _awkward_. It was so awkward-looking that I almost charged in and proposed a toast to the awesome me just to lighten things up a bit (but I most definitely did _not_). Anyhow, it was weird.

- THE AWESOME PRUSSIA!

* * *

To: Gilbert Beilschmidt  
From: Ludwig

Brother, you are an even worse liar than Italy.

Germany

* * *

[RETURN TO SENDER]

_To: Gilbert Beilschmidt _**⇦  
**_From: Ludwig _

_Brother, you are an even worse liar than Italy._

_Germany_

* * *

To: Gilbert Beilschmidt  
From: Ludwig

YOU ARE NOT EVEN AMERICAN. YOU DO NOT HAVE AN EGO THE SIZE OF TEXAS.

- Germany

* * *

To: Ludwig  
From: Alfred F. Jones

Yes he does.

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Ludwig

Instructions to discovering someone with an ego even larger than Prussia's.

Step 1: Get up from the computer desk.  
Step 2: Go to the nearest bathroom.  
Step 3: Look in the mirror.

Germany

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Ludwig

AND STOP HACKING.

Germany

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Yao Wang

Nice job figuring out Germany's password. it took me a while to guess it.

China

* * *

To: Yao Wang  
From: Alfred F. Jones

Yeah, thanks. Honestly, what kind of password is "damnbastarditaly?"

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Yao Wang

Agreed. By the way, you haven't read that e-mail your boss sent you two days ago yet. He wants you to clean your backyard, because "whatever you have in there, it smells like month-old cow sh—t!"

China

* * *

To: Yao Wang  
From: Alfred F. Jones

Oh, hey thanks.

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones and Yao Wang  
From: Roderich Edelstein

You two are hopeless.

Austria

* * *

To: Roderich Edelstein  
From: The Awesome Gilbert Beilschmidt

Hey! You hack too, foureyes! PS.: I know you're watching, England. Go away, limey.

- THE AWESOME PRUSSIA

* * *

To: [Everyone]  
From: Arthur Kirkland

So this is what private e-mail has become: a hacking game.

England

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Toris Laurinaitis

What? !

* * *

To: Toris Laurinaitis  
From: Arthur Kirkland

What?

* * *

[To: Everyone From: Toris Laurinaitis]  
(By letters)

Dear Friends,  
Because of this new situation with hacking, I've decided to stop using e-mail in order to preserve my privacy. I'm really sorry if this is of any inconvenience and I give you my deepest apologies.

Thank you for reading this,  
Lithuania

* * *

[To: Toris Laurinaitis From: Feliks Łukasiewicz]  
(By letter)

Liet! you're seriously overreacting! Did Russia cause another nervous breakdown again? I can like just go over and like beat the guts outta him with my ponies or something if you want you know!

- Poland

* * *

[To: Feliks Łukasiewicz From Toris Laurinaitis]  
(By letter)

Dear Poland,

We both know you wouldn't be able to achieve that.

Sincerely,  
Lithuania

* * *

[To: Toris Laurinaitis From: Feliks Łukasiewicz]  
(By letter)

poo

* * *

**Oh God, I failed so terribly. Only about the first third is about Germany, Prussia, and the Nordics. Ah, well. Technically they're the cause for the rest of it.**

**Let's look at the next one as the same part as this one, shall we?**

**Random fact: **Germans work fewer hours a year than the inhabitants of almost any other country. Only the Dutch work fewer hours among the members of the OECD (Organisation for Economic Co-operation and Development). The ones who work the most are the Mexicans.

**Random Fact 2:** "Germany" in Spanish is "Alemania." Ale-mania. I don;t know why but I found it funny.

**464 words into part 32. **

**Leave a comment!**

* * *

**EPILOGUE**

* * *

To: The Awesome Gilbert Beilschmidt

From: Ludwig

Ack. Fine, I give in, "The Awesome Gilbert Beilschmidt."

Germany

* * *

To: Ludwig  
From: The Awesome Gilbert Beilschmidt

AWESOME! AS ME! Although, you know, I was actually considering just letting you do whatever since you're my little brother, see!  
I still remember when you were only up to my knee! You'd go around asking for baby beer and it was damn cute! Haha! Little West! And there was the time you made me wurst for breakfast, it tasted burnt but I still ate it anyway since it was so adorable, Old Man Fritz thought it was cute, too. Ah, nostalgia.

- Your brother, PRUSSIA

* * *

**"A crown is merely a hat that lets the rain in." **  
- Frederick the Great


	32. Part 32

"**It's a thought I always keep in mind. I believe that anyone who's been toyed with by history is always reborn. They're born under normal circumstances. They laugh, they play... and even fall in love just like anyone else. In their next life, they live a happy and peaceful life somewhere in this world. That's what I truly think." **

- France to Lisa [Volume 5, _A bientot! (Until we meet again)_]

* * *

To: Francis Bonnefoy  
From: Arthur Kirkland

So you think you've found Joan of Arc reborn in some nineteen-year-old named Lisa. Good for you. Just don't mess up her life like in the last one when you betrayed her. And don't blame me for that, it was your own damn fault.  
Just let her live a peaceful life.

England

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Francis Bonnefoy

_I _didn't betray her!  
It was those stupid... stupid rkjdsfhloj

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: [Monaco]

You made him cry.

Monaco

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Arthur Kirkland

Dear wanker,

France is always so sensitive when it comes to Joan of Arc, isn't he? I told him that he betrayed her and Monaco said that he cried.

England

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Alfred F. Jones

Yeah. Once I went to his house and told him that I was making a new movie about Jeanne D'Arc and he started bawling. Like really bawling. Like he rolled into a ball and started wailing. I decided to scrap the movie project.

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: The Awesome Gilbert Beilschmidt

Seriously, America!  
You were the same when Kennedy was shot. You went into your room and wouldn't come out for days without sobbing. And England, I'm pretty sure that with your long history you've probably had some moments like that yourself!  
Honestly, you guys. I know Old Fritz is watching me kindly from Heaven. Can't you see the same?

- THE AWESOME PRUSSIA!

* * *

**CORRESPONDENCE BETWEEN HETALIANS 32**

* * *

To: The Awesome Gilbert Beilschmidt  
From: Ludwig

You were hacking again, weren't you.

Germany

* * *

To: Ludwig  
From: The Awesome Gilbert Beilschmidt

I was teaching them an important lesson!

- THE AWESOME PRUSSIA!

* * *

To: The Awesome Gilbert Beilschmidt  
From: Ludwig

I know. Just try not to hack so much anymore. You know what happened with Lithuania. Yesterday I saw Poland buying medicine from China – which China said could cure Lithuania – at outrageous prices. Of course I stopped him.

Germany

* * *

To: Ludwig  
From: The Awesome Gilbert Beilschmidt

… So that's why China was giving me death glares when I went to a Chinatown. He looked like he was going to throw that panda at me. By the way, the panda was giving me death glares, too!

- THE AWESOME PRUSSIA!

* * *

**A LITTLE WHILE AGO.**

* * *

To: Francis Bonnefoy  
From: Arthur Kirkland

YOU. BLOODY. PERVERT!

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Francis Bonnefoy

Ohonhonhonhonhonhonhonhonhon ~!

~ France

* * *

To: Francis Bonnefoy  
From: Arthur Kirkland

SHE'S _ROYALTY_, YOU GIT! SHE'S THE _DUCHESS OF CAMBRIDGE_!

ENGLAND

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Francis Bonnefoy

Exactly!

~ France

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Alfred F. Jones

HOLY SHIT! DID YOU SEE THAT FREAKY PICTURE? THOSE FRENCHIES ARE SO F-ING PERVERTED! !

- AMERICA THE HORRIFIED HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Arthur Kirkland

YOU SAW _NOTHING_!

England

* * *

To: Francis Bonnefoy  
From: Arthur Kirkland

_Bloody perv..._

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Francis Bonnefoy

I think I know now how you came up with that metaphor about pure evil oozing out of Britain's words.

~ France

* * *

To: Francis Bonnefoy  
From: Alfred F. Jones

What do you mean? That wasn't a metaphor! I meant it for real!  
So you got one, too, huh? Creepy, right?  
But the creepiest is when he starts italicising stuff and adding ellipses at the end. _That_ means that he's coming up with exotic ways to rip your head off your shoulders. I _barely_escaped the stapler last time. Seriously. He chopped off half of Nantucket.

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Francis Bonnefoy

Is that so.

~ France

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Francis Bonnefoy

Dear enemy,  
I see that you are unfortunately very unhappy about the pictures that have appeared in a magazine of mine and I give you my deepest apologies. Why don't I give the people a massive, outrageous fine and shut down the magazine, as well, if you'd be happier that way?

Sincerely,  
~ France

* * *

To: Francis Bonnefoy  
From: Arthur Kirkland

America told you about the time he called me "Iggy," didn't he.

England

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Francis Bonnefoy

Well, I do believe he did! You aren't going to _pull out his limbs_, are you? I _do _hope not!

~ France

* * *

To: Francis Bonnefoy  
From: Arthur Kirkland

No. I'm just a bit disappointed I can't use the same idea on you, too, because that just wouldn't be fun and it would ruin the effect. Ah, well, I suppose I can always come up with something new.

England

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Francis Bonnefoy

Wait, so that wasn't new?

~ France

* * *

To: Francis Bonnefoy  
From: Arthur Kirkland

Nope. Ask Netherlands.

England

* * *

To: [Netherlands]  
From: Francis Bonnefoy

Dear Netherlands,  
Is it true that that annoying black sheep once attempted to decapitate you with a stapler?

~ France

* * *

To: Francis Bonnefoy  
From: [Netherlands]

Ever wondered where I got that scar?

Netherlands

* * *

To: [Netherlands]  
From: Francis Bonnefoy

Ooh.

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: [Monaco]

Dear Britain,  
Mr. France tells me to tell you: "AHHHHH! PLEASE DON'T KILL ME! I DON'T WANT TO DIE BY STATIONERY! I'M TOO BEAUTIFUL TO DIE! ! !"  
He is currently hiding behind the curtains in my house.

Best regards,  
Monaco

* * *

**END OF UNFORTUNATE AND IRRELEVANT FLASHBACK**

* * *

**At a dinner party**

* * *

[Text from Francis Bonnefoy to Arthur Kirkland]

You brute! Do you see that dish? It looks just like Pierre! How did you get ahold of him! ?  
I didn't come to one of your boss's dinner parties just to see one of my pet birds served as the appetizer!

~ France

* * *

[Text from Arthur Kirkland to Francis Bonnefoy]

That isn't your stupid bird, that's obviously an egg.

England

* * *

[Text from Francis Bonnefoy to Arthur Kirkland]

Your eyebrows are hampering your eyesight! That's definitely Pierre, you monster! You can even see the beak! And the empty, staring dead eyes and the cooked white feathered body laying on its side on a bed of salad... he's even got a tiny tomato in his beak...  
THERE'S NOTHING LIKE EXCELLENT PRESENTATION TO POUR SALT ON A WOUND.

~ France

* * *

[Text from Arthur Kirkland to Francis Bonnefoy]

Oh. I see it now. Goodness, the Prime Minister is sawing the head off. Now he's putting it in his mouth... My, did you hear that? He says it's "delectable, just needs a bit more salt..."

England

* * *

[Text from Francis Bonnefoy to Arthur Kirkland]

OOOOOUUUAAAGGGHHH JUST SHUT UP! !

* * *

[Text from France's Boss to Arthur Kirkland and Francis Bonnefoy]

YOU TWO. Honestly, can't the two of you stop texting each other, arguing over one little thing after another, for _one dinner party?_ We seated the two of you at opposite ends of the table for a reason, you know. It almost seems like the two of you are _friends_.

XXXXXXXX XXXXXXXX

* * *

[(Abrupt) End of messages]

* * *

**1222 words. Wow. **  
**Has anyone read **_**Ender's Game**_** by Orson Scott Card? Greatest book ever (after **_**Ender's Shadow**_**, of course)*.**  
**Even if you haven't, GOD, GIVE ME **_**SHADOWS**__**IN FLIGHT**_**. GAH. I WANT IT. CINCINNATUS IS EVIL. **  
**End of note. Sorry, no random facts today.**

*****My opinion. I used to like _Xenocide_, but then I thought about it, and decided _Ender's Shadow_ was better.

* * *

To: [Serbia]

From: [Kosovo]

Please?

* * *

To: [Kosovo]

From: [Serbia]

Runt.


	33. Part 33

**Double update today because I feel great today.**

******By the way, try listening to Joe Hisaishi's "Highlander" when you read "A bientot! (Until we meet again)" from Volume 5.**  
**Or maybe I'm just weird. **  
**I love that song.**

* * *

**CORRESPONDENCE BETWEEN HETALIANS**

* * *

To: Ludwig  
From: Arthur Kirkland

Hey, You haven't replied yet to that e-mail I sent you yesterday.

England

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Ludwig

Yes I have. You just didn't see my e-mail. I reply to everything.

Germany

* * *

To: Ludwig  
From: Arthur Kirkland

No, you don't.

England

* * *

**[1914]**

* * *

To: Francis Bonnefoy and Ludwig  
From: Arthur Kirkland

Hey, you two are going to honor Belgium's neutrality, right?

England

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Francis Bonnefoy

Of course! We wouldn't want to hurt lovely Belgium!

~ France

* * *

To: Ludwig  
From: Arthur Kirkland

What about you, Germany?

England

* * *

To: Ludwig  
From: Arthur Kirkland

Germany?

* * *

**2012**

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Ludwig

I know what you're thinking about. _That _was intentional.

Germany

* * *

To: Ludwig  
From: Arthur Kirkland

Oh, yes, I believe you. And you intentionally lost the war. You're so brilliant, huh. I'll guess that your evil master plan was to become the world's symbol of pure evil. Well, it sure succeeded. Did you have a side plan to pay incredible amounts of money to everyone else and go broke as well?

England

* * *

To: [Bulgaria]  
From: Sadiq Adnan

Hi, you random guy,  
You're friends with Romania, right? Well you see I need to discuss something with him, but when I found him (in the supermarket of all places!) he was having some kind of silent glaring Yo-Mama fight with Hungary. Austria looked really stumped, too, and Prussia was, well, I ha\ve no idea what Prussia was doing. So, any ideas on how to get those two to snap out of it?

– Turkey

* * *

To: Sadiq Adnan  
From: [Bulgaria]

You could try shouting "Goodness, Austria! What expensive cheeses you have in there!"

– Bulgaria

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Alfred F. Jones

HEY BRITAIN!  
I'M BOOOOORED TELL ME A STORY!

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Arthur Kirkland

_Tell you a story?_ You're not a child anymore, America (I _think_).

England

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Alfred F. Jones

JUST TELL ME A STORYYYYYYYYY I'M BOOOOORED.

- AMERICA THE BOOOOOORED HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Arthur Kirkland

Why don't you just ask Canada?

England

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Alfred F. JOnes

I can't even see him half the time!

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Arthur Kirkland

Well, I have important business to attend to. Simply put in two words: "massive" and "depts."

England

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Alfred F. Jones

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOO!

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Alfred F. Jones

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Alfred F. Jones

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Arthur Kirkland

Fine , fine, fine!

There once was a little boy named Alfred.

– England

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Alfred F. Jones

And? And? What's next?

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Arthur Kirkland

There is no more.

England

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Alfred F. Jones

…  
WHAT KIND OF STORY IS THAT? !  
Your old stories were better!

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

**[1784]**

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Alfred F. Jones

EEEEEEEEEEENGLAAAAAAAAND!  
Tell me a story tell me a story tell me a story tell me a story tell me a story tell me a story tell me a story tell me a story!

- AMERICA!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Arthur Kirkland

Once upon a time there were three little pigs named Alfred, Francis, and Antonio. Their house was blown down and they were eaten by a wolf.

England

* * *

**[2012]**

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Alfred F. Jones

Kind of.

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: [Bulgaria]  
From: Sadiq Adnan

Hey, your idea actually worked. I shouted what you told me to shout and then out popped Switzy tyughfjvbn

* * *

To: [Romania]  
From: [Bulgaria]

_[Forwarded: From Sadiq Adnan to [Bulgaria], Subj: Hey]_

Oh, no.  
Now I feel terrible.

Bulgaria

* * *

To: [Bulgaria]  
From: [Romania]

Don't blame yourself.

– Romania

* * *

To: [Everyone]  
From: [Romania]

Dear friends,  
Let us now share words of mourning for our dear Turkey, who has since passed on.

– Romania

* * *

[Poster on Turkey's front door]

* * *

You stupid idiot,  
Honestly, you were really annoying sometimes but to think something like this would happen...  
Honestly.

– Serbia

[CENSORED CONTENT] [**Not in a good way**]  
~ France

I didn't like you very much, but I guess I should still pay my respects.  
– Germany

You idiot. You owed me $€$€$!  
– China

Goodbye.  
– Turkish Republic of Northern Cyprus

I really hated you but I guess it'll be boring without someone to fight.  
Still, it's actually almost a good thing that you're finally dead, and because of Switzerland, too! Haha! Although I wish I was the one who did it, it's still a nice thought. I still remember that time I beat you up in the Balkan Wars. You were like, "DIIIE YOU STUPID GREECE!" That was

* * *

To: [Everyone]  
From: Sadiq Adnan

Whoa whoa whoa! Wait a sec! I'm not dead! I'm alive! Alive and mostly well! I'm in the hospital right now, it's incredible how that Switzerland can karate chop!

– Turkey

* * *

To: Sadiq Adnan  
From: Heracles Karpusi

You idiot. I wasn't even finished writing my goodbye message. Can't I ever enjoy even a day of you being dead?

Greece

* * *

To: Heracles Karpusi  
From: Sadiq Adnan

YAHAHAHAHA!

– TURKEY

* * *

**Reasons why today is an awesome day: **  
**1) Barbecue tonight **  
**2) THE NEW STAR WARS THE CLONE WARS SEASON. SEPTEMBER 29TH HAS FINALLY ARRIVED. THE WAIT IS OVER. **  
**HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHA [Insert hysterical laugh]**

**I still obsess over that show and shout at the television when I think someone is really stupid. Go die, Anakin.**  
**Sorry that the next one (I'll post it later today) is only a Part 1.**


	34. Part 34: The Balkan Wars Part I

**THE BALKAN WARS (1912 -1913)**

* * *

**Situation with the Great Powers just before the outbreak of the First war:**

* * *

**RUSSIA:** wanted to access the "warm waters" of the Mediterranean so they supported Bulgaria and Serbia.

**BRITAIN:** _didn't _want Russia to access the "warm waters," so they supported the integrity of the Ottoman Empire.  
**AUSTRIA-HUNGARY:** wanted the continued existence of the Ottoman Empire, since both of them were troubled multinational entities and so the collapse of the one might weaken the other.  
**GERMANY:** wanted to turn the Ottoman Empire into a de facto colony of theirs, and so supported their integrity.  
**ITALY: **wanted to freaking recreate the Roman Empire.

* * *

**THE OTHER LITTLE GUYS**

* * *

**SERBIA:** pissed because Austria-Hungary annexed the Ottoman province of Bosnia-Herzegovina during the Young Turk revolution ... and I think they wanted Bosnia.  
**BULGARIA:** had gotten independence from the Ottoman Empire in 1909 and had the friendship of Russia [...]  
**MONTENEGRO: **Followed Bulgaria by becoming a kingdom in 1910.

* * *

**PRELUDE 1911 - 1912: The Italo-Turkish War, which -**

* * *

To: [Italy's Boss]  
From: Feliciano Vargas

YAYY! I won against Turkey! WOW!

Italy ~

* * *

**Which inevitably led to -**

* * *

To: [Serbia] and [Bulgaria]  
From: Ivan Braginski

Hey, you two, since Turkey's all beat up, why don't you go and attack him so that you can expand your territory?

Russia :D

* * *

To: [Serbia]  
From: [Bulgaria]

Heh, that actually sounds like a good idea (although coming from Russia, there is a dark possibility that it's just part of one evil master plan of his...), whatever. Anyway.

Bulgaria

* * *

To: [Bulgaria]  
From: [Serbia]

Yeah, it does (let's ignore the "plan" part for now, shall we). Why don't you go and ask Greece to join us since he's the only one of us Balkans with a navy powerful enough to stop that stupid Ottoman "Empire" from using the Aegean?

Serbia

PS.: If he doesn't want to, bribe him with a cat (or emphasize the point that we're fighting _Turkey_).

* * *

To: Heracles Karpusi  
From: [Bulgaria]

Dear Greece,  
Serbia and I want to fight Turkey and we need you and your navy in order to beat him. Wanna sign a treaty with me? We'll beat that chicken/turkey up!

Bulgaria

* * *

To: [Bulgaria]  
From: Heracles Karpusi

Okay. May the turkey accidentally have his head knocked off by a rocket. My rocket.

Greece

* * *

To: [Bulgaria]  
From: [Montenegro]

I want to join, too.

- Montenegro

* * *

To: [Serbia]  
From: [Bulgaria]

_[Forwarded: From [Montenegro] to [Bulgaria], Subj: Alliance]_

You can't get any blunter, huh? We should start a We Hate the Ottoman Empire! Club.

Bulgaria

* * *

**And so the alliance between Bulgaria, Serbia, Greece, and Montenegro became known as the Balkan League (**** Great Powers [really] didn't like that).**

**By the way, Bulgaria had signed treaties with Serbia dividing up northern Macedonia, but refused to have any similar agreement with Greece.**

**Their evil plan: they wanted to limit Serbia's access to Macedonia and at the same time take as much as their army could while ignoring Greece.**  
**Greece: **|:(  
**Serbia: **:O  
**Macedonia: **D:  
**Bulgaria: :**D

* * *

**October 8, 1912**

* * *

To: Sadiq Adnan  
From: [Montenegro]

I DECLARE WAR ON YOU! !

- Montenegro

* * *

To: [Montenegro]  
From: Sadiq Adnan

YOU? ! Little runt? HAHAHAHAHAHA!

The Ottoman Empire

* * *

**Later, October 17th.**

* * *

To: Sadiq Adnan  
From: [Serbia], [Bulgaria] and Heracles Karpusi

The three of us declare war on you!

Serbia, Bulgaria, and Greece

* * *

To: [Turkey's boss]  
From: Sadiq Adnan

_Holy sh—t!_

- The Ottoman EMPIRE

* * *

To: Sadiq Adnan  
From: [Turkey's Boss]

Shit is not holy.

- Your boss

* * *

**Later still**

* * *

To: [Turkey's boss]  
From: Sadiq Adnan

Current stuff:  
MONTENEGRO: rotten git messing up Shkodra  
BULGARIA: moron took over Thrace and Eastern Macedonia  
SERBIA: attacking Skopje and Monastir and Albania.  
GREECE: I HAAAAAAATE THAAAAAAT STUUUPID MORON.  
Attacked Macedonia and so many freaking other places. Tell him to go die for me.

Turkey

* * *

To: Heracles Karpusi  
From: Sadiq Adnan

Damn you, little runt! Quit blocking me from the Mediterranean Sea! Both times I got out of the Dardanelles your ugly face was there and all my men thought is was so terrifyingly disgusting they ran!

Turkey

* * *

To: Sadiq Adnan  
From: Heracles Karpusi

It's not my fault you're so stupid that you can't find a way out. Besides, I think they were running from _your _face, not mine. Did you slip and forget to hide your ugliness with your mask again?

Greece

* * *

**1913**

* * *

To: [Turkey's boss]  
From: Sadiq Adnan

HOWWW? !

- The Ottoman Empire (I AM still an empire!)

Yes I am.

Don't you doubt it.

Yes I am.

* * *

**Around this time, ****Bulgarian forces with the help of the Serbian Army conquered Adrianople while Greek forces managed to take Ioannina after beating up the Ottomans in the battle of Bizani. In the Serbian-Montenegrin theater of operation, the Montenegrin army captured Shkodra.**  
**My, my, Turkey, aren't you formidable.**

**The war ended in May of 1913 with the Treaty of London.**

* * *

To: Sadiq Adnan  
From: Arthur Kirkland

You're incredible, you know? An "Empire" getting beaten up by a bunch of little runts. Are you sure you aren't trying to imitate the Roman Empire? Because I heard Italy is already trying.

England

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Sadiq Adnan

You heal my wounds with your sarcasm, O Loony One.

- The Ottoman Empire

* * *

**I got bored and decided to write this since for some reason I was amused by Bulgaria (later).**  
**Yes. This is a two-part thing.**  
**Below: hypocritical England strikes again.**

* * *

**ON THE OTHER SIDE OF EUROPE.**

* * *

To: Ludwig  
From: Arthur Kirkland

WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING KRAUT DAMN YOU QUIT EXPANDING YOUR [CENSORED] NAVY BECAUSE THAT JUST GIVES ME MORE SHIPS THAT I HAVE TO SINK DAMMIT GO AWAY AND DIE.

— England

* * *

**Comment?**

**Going off to barbecue now. **

**After finishing "The Sound of Drums," of course. The Master is like Achilles number two. Or Russia. **


	35. Part 35: The Balkan Wars Part II

**AFTER THE FIRST WAR**

**PS.:** In the original document of the Balkan League, Serbia promised Bulgaria most of Macedonia.  
**Macedonia:** –_–III (that was supposed to be a three lines thing but it failed with this font)  
**Well.**

* * *

To: [Serbia]  
From: [Bulgaria]

Ей! Hey.  
So when do I get Macedonia?

Bulgaria

* * *

To: [Bulgaria]  
From: [Serbia]

Oh, you're supposed to get Macedonia? I don't quite remember that. From what I know, Greece and I are going to take part of that territory.  
You must be mistaken.

Serbia

* * *

**Whoopsies.**

**16 July 1913**

* * *

To: [Serbia] and Heracles Karpusi  
From: [Bulgaria]

What...? WAR! ! YOU TRAITORS!

— Bulgaria

* * *

To: [Serbia]  
From: Heracles Karpusi

Technically he's the one who turned on us.

- Greece

* * *

To: Heracles Karpusi  
From: [Serbia]

Haha, yes. I dunno, maybe this'll turn out well and we can all get a bit of new territory.

- Serbia

* * *

**MEANWHILE IN SOME RANDOM BULGARIAN HOUSEHOLD.**

* * *

The man sat on a barrel smoking his pipe and reading the newspaper. beside him sat his young son. Suddenly the father's eyes widened.  
"HOLY SH↼T!" He screeched. "IT HASN'T EVEN BEEN A F—KING MONTH YET AND THE F—KING IDIOTS ON TOP HAVE GOTTEN US INTO ANOTHER F—KING WAR? ! THOSE DAMN SH↼T-FACED MORONS MUST HEADS FULL OF F—KING CRAP IF THEY'RE STUPID ENOUGH TO HAVE CAUSED THIS!"  
The little boy's mouth opened slightly in shock.

== LATER ==

The boy tugged on his mother's sleeve, "Mommy, I learned some new words today, do you want to hear?"  
His mother smiled down at him, her hands still working away at the dishes, "Of course! What are they, dear?"  
"#$%IN%, %$*&X*XX, $$%*, $$$%^ and $!%#!" he declared proudly.  
His mother's hands stopped working and her smile disappeared in an instant, replaced by a dangerous expression, eyebrows drawn together. "Where did you learn those words?" She asked the boy.  
Giving her a wide toothy grin, he informed her.  
"Daddy!"

The father was freed from military service due to "health issues."

* * *

**Okay, I completely went off track. **  
**Anyway, next came a bunch of "Let's beat up Bulgaria!" sessions.**  
**And also:**  
**27 June 1913**

* * *

To: [Bulgaria]  
From: [Romania]

You damn git. I declare war on you, too, now!

- Romania

* * *

To: [Romania]  
From: [Bulgaria]

WHAT? ! ?

Bulgaria

* * *

To: [Bulgaria]  
From: [Romania]

Do you really have such a short-term memory? Remember this?

* * *

"From: [Romania]  
To: [Bulgaria]

Dear Bulgaria (I struggle to remain civil),  
Due to the fact that you refused to give up the fortress of Silistra (which, I must remind you, was promised to me before the _First_ Balkan War in exchange for my neutrality), I have decided to notify you that, on the event of a second war, I will _not_ be staying out of it and I _will most certainly_be attacking you.

_Sincerely,_  
Romania"

That was on the _fifteenth _of June.

Romania

* * *

To: [Romania]  
From: [Bulgaria]

Ooh. That. Uh.

- Bulgaria

* * *

To: [Bulgaria's Boss]  
From: [Some general in the Bulgarian army]

Dear sir,  
Do you know where Bulgaria went? No one can find him anywhere, but we need him since he's the country and all... Anyway, if you know where he is please tell me, sir.

Thank you,  
XXXXXXXX

* * *

To: [Some general in the Bulgarian army]  
From: [Bulgaria's boss]

Dear Some general in the Bulgarian army,  
He's in my office. Having emotional breakdown and eating tarator.

XXXXXXXX

* * *

To: [Bulgaria's Boss]  
From: [Some general in the Bulgarian army]

Oh. Better not tell him that the Ottomans are making a happy dash at Thrace and Adrianople then. Because they're most certainly going to get them.

XXXXXXXX

* * *

To: [Everyone]  
From: [Bulgaria]

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHRRR GFKGFKHALFSHLJfdsbhgrilyhlas jndadaakkkkk

* * *

**A general armistice was signed on 18/31 July 1913. You all know who lost.**  
**The territorial spoils were divided up in the treaties of Bucharest and Constantinople. Bulgaria lost basically everything he got in the First War.**  
**Goodness, **[_this comment has been omitted due to over-sarcasticness and excessive insult towards a certain nation or state_]**.**

* * *

**REACTIONS OF THE GREAT POWERS DURING THE WARS**

* * *

**BRITAIN: **officially supported the Ottoman Empire's integrity, but they did secretly support Greece's entry into the Balkan League since they wanted to counteract Russia's influence (typical). They also encouraged Bulgaria's aspirations for Thrace since... they didn't want Russia getting it.

**FRANCE: **decided that they were totally unprepared for war against Germany in 1912 (they probably weren't), and told Russia (their ally) that they wouldn't join any conflict between Russia and Austria-Hungary resulting from the actions of the League.

**RUSSIA: **Supported the establishment of the Balkan League. Completely. Because they saw it as something to piss off Austria-Hungary with/ something to help them in the event of a war with Austria-Hungary. Insert _very_ creepy Russia face — no wait, I've got one: ^し^

**AUSTRIA-HUNGARY: **wanted a port on the Adriatic (at the expense of the Ottomans) and so opposed any other nation who wanted to expand that way. Plus they had internal problems with Slavs who didn't like being under Austro-Hungarian control (insert a glowing image of [free] Slav Serbia).

**GERMANY: **also officially opposed war against the Ottoman Empire, but they also toyed with the idea of replacing the Balkan area of the Ottoman Empire with a Greater Bulgaria (since they wanted Bulgaria for the Central Powers).

**ITALY: **I have no idea what the hell they were doing. ( = ヮ = )৩

* * *

**SO HERE'S A REALLY BASIC OVERVIEW OF THE BALKAN WARS**

* * *

1 - Greece, Montenegro, Serbia and Bulgaria come together as the Balkan League

2 - They beat up the Ottoman Empire (First War)

3 - Treaty of London

4 - Turns out Bulgaria isn't going to get the part of Macedonia they were promised

5 - Bulgaria gets pissed and declares war on their former allies (Second War)

6 - Romania is also ticked off from an earlier trouble involving a fortress, and this time declares war on Bulgaria, too.

7 - Ottoman Empire decides to come and pick on the "little guy" too.

8 - End result: Bulgaria gets completely beat up.

9 - Treaty of Bucharest and Treaty of Constantinople

* * *

**OVER. Now I've got to:**

**- Finish my terrible essay on **_**Of Mice and Men **_**by John Steinbeck.**  
**- Finish my CTY thing which ends in three days.**  
**- Die because of the above.**

**Anyone have any ideas on a good title for an essay about foreshadowing in **_**Of Mice and Men**_**?**

* * *

**Thanks for reviewing. Oh, you didn't? Oh, well, then I've got this lovely chainsaw I could show you...**

There once was a guy called Bulgaria,  
Who helped his friends beat up Turkey-a.  
But when it turned out that he wasn't getting Macedonia,  
he went and declared war on them too! - ah


	36. Part 36: Kalmar War

**Gyah. I update too often. I'll use up all of my ideas.**

**HetaHazard updated and they were talking about clocks. **

**...**

* * *

**KALMAR WAR 1611-1613**

* * *

**Around this time**,  
- England and the Dutch Republic were caught up in the Dutch-Portuguese War (1602–1663)  
- the Tartars were harassing the Polish-Lithuanian Commonwealth  
and  
- The House of Romanov was established in Russia, ending the Time of Troubles

Oh, and in 1618, the Manchus started invading China.

* * *

**BACKGROUND OF THE WAR:**

Since Denmark–Norway controlled the strait between the Baltic Sea and the North Sea, Sweden wanted an alternative trade route through Lapland to avoid paying Denmark's Sound Dues.

In 1607, Charles IX of Sweden declared himself "King of the Lapps in Nordland" and began "collecting" taxes in Norwegian territory, even south of Tromsø (good going, Charles! Now detect that unsubtle hint of sarcasm!)

* * *

**Of course,**

* * *

To: Berwald Oxenstierna  
From: Matthias Køhler

_FANDENS! _I PROTEST! THOSE SOUND DUES ARE MY MAIN SOURCE OF INCOME! NOT NICE! NOT NICE AT ALL!

- DENMARK

* * *

To: Matthias Køhler  
From: Berwald Oxenstierna

*Ignores*

– Sweden

* * *

To: Berwald Oxenstierna  
From: Matthias Køhler

What kind of reply is that? !

Denmark

* * *

To: Berwald Oxenstierna  
From: Lukas Bondevik

Dear Sweden,

You are annoying. As Denmark.

– Norway

* * *

**So friendly old Charles ignored the protests of King Christian IV of Denmark and Norway. Eventually, in April 1611, Denmark declared war on Sweden and invaded them in response to mean old ****Sweden's claim of a traditionally Dano-Norwegian area in Northern Norway.**

**Honestly, Christian had wanted to declare war on Sweden for a while now, he just couldn't find a good reason.**

* * *

To: Lukas Bondevik  
From: Matthias Køhler

Okay, so here's the plan, I attack Sweden from Kristianopel toward Kalmar and Halmstad towards Jönköping, and you can attack Älvsborg and go into Västergötland.  
I'll go and besiege Kalmar now, but you wait at the border and stay out of Sweden for the time being.  
Okay?

– Denmark

* * *

To: Matthias Køhler  
From: Lukas Bondevik

Oh. Okay.

Norway

* * *

**Sometime during the summer of 1611**

* * *

To: Berwald Oxenstierna  
From: Charles IX

So, how are Norwegian Jämtland and Härjedalen going?

- King Charles IX of Sweden

* * *

To: Charles IX  
From: Berwald Oxenstierna

At first we did manage to conquer both of them easily. But that incompetent ass Baltzar Bäck (who was _supposed_to be our leader) managed to cause the locals to rise up.

Sweden

* * *

**Then King Charlie kicked the bucket on October 30, 1611.**

**He was succeeded by his son, Gustavus Adolphus. Yep. The Golden King, or The Lion of the North.**  
**On accession, Gustavus Adolphus sued for peace, but Christian IV, seeing opportunities for larger victories and just about ignored him. **

**By the way, the Swedes got kicked out of ****Jämtland and Härjedalen** **in 1612.**

* * *

**1612**

* * *

To: Berwald Oxenstierna  
From: Matthias Køhler

HA! Big setback, huh? You just lost Älvsborg and Gullberg! **[Both in present-day Gothenburg]**Look at poor Sve! "Oh no! Now I don't have access to the sea in the west! Oh no!" HAHAHAHA!

– Denmark

* * *

To: Matthias Køhler  
From: Berwald Oxenstierna

You ought to go stick your head into a cannon.

– Sweden

* * *

To: Berwald Oxenstierna  
From: Matthias Køhler

Wait. What are you, psychic? Norway said the _exact_same thing this morning! SVE'S TURNING INTO A LOONY LIKE THOSE THAT CREEPY ARMADA-SMASHING GUY! OH NO! !

Denmark

* * *

To: Matthias Køhler  
From: Berwald Oxenstierna

Nej. I am not. Now get away from Stockholm!

– Sweden

* * *

**Having achieved considerable success, the Danish command aimed to end the war as soon as possible and so ordered attack deep in Sweden, toward Stockholm. **

**This failed though, because of guerilla warfare and scorched earth methods (good going, Sweden).**

* * *

To: Berwald Oxenstierna  
From: Matthias Køhler

Aw. You're no fun.

Denmark

* * *

To: Matthias Køhler  
From: Berwald Oxenstierna

All I did was prevent you from getting to my capital. How is your conquering of my capital supposed to be fun, may I ask.

Sweden

* * *

To: Berwald Oxenstierna  
From: Matthias Køhler

Well, for one thing, the drinks would be on you then!

– Denmark

* * *

To: Matthias Køhler  
From: Berwald Oxenstierna

You are an idiot.

Sweden

PS.: Now that I think of it, I did find a dusty old brain in a cupboard last time I visited you.

* * *

To: Christian IV  
From: Matthias Køhler

Psst. I think Sweden's psychic! That's terrible! It's like he knows exactly what Norway tells me every day!

Denmark

* * *

To: Matthias Køhler  
From: Christian IV

If we were talking face to face, I'd be sighing. Here, take a look at this.

King Christian IV of Denmark

* * *

[Forwarded Message]  
[To: Berwald Oxenstierna From Lukas Bondevik]

To Sweden,  
You know, I just found this dusty old half-rotted brain in a cupboard at Denmark's house. You really ought to come and see it. I think it's Denmark's.

– Norway

* * *

To: Lukas Bondevik  
From: Matthias Køhler

Oh come on now, Norway, that was plain mean! Really not nice!

Denmark

* * *

To: Matthias Køhler  
From: Lukas Bondevik

I have no idea what you are talking about, idiot.

Norway

* * *

**The war ended in 1613, with the Peace of (dammit! Another accent thing) ****Knäred.**

**Something of a note: **While all this was going on, England and the Dutch republic also invested in Baltic Sea trade, and wanted to curtail Denmark's power by ending the war before a decisive victory ([sighs], England, England, England...).

**The Danes (on low funds) finally gave in to those two in 1613, and the Treaty of ****Knäred was signed on January 20, 1613, with England's intercession. **  
**Finnmark went to Denmark and Älvsborg was ransomed back to Sweden (Finnmark is now the northernmost part of Norway).**

* * *

**AND THEY ALL LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER.**

* * *

**I finally did one on the Nordics (sort of, since Finland was part of Sweden at the time and Iceland belonged to Norway). And it even has the word "Kalmar" in it! - Suggestion from 21 chapters ago, by AnonymousSanSama...**

**The accent thingamajigs drove me crazy...**

**Yeah, I know this part has less content (sorry). I was going to do the Torstenson War, but you see I had this terrible bout of laziness...**

* * *

**Eh. Let's do a few current events.**

* * *

To: [Syria]

From: Sadiq Adnan

You be careful, you little guy! You'd better not provoke me any more!

Turkey

* * *

To: Sadiq Adnan

From: [Syria]

My arms are fighting each other! Why in heaven's name would I want to provoke you? !

Syria

* * *

**IN ANOTHER PART OF THE WORLD**

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones

From: Arthur Kirkland

Dear America,

Sorry if I'm bothering you (no, I'm not really sorry). I just need to clarify something with you: in that first Romney/Obama debate a few days ago, that was Obama on stage, right? Not you in disguise as him?

- England

* * *

**Meh. Comment?**


	37. Part 37: Typical America

**ACKNOWLEDGE ME.**

**Okay, since we're already at part 37, I'd like to make a few acknowledgements before we continue to the chapter.**

**First of all, I'd like to thank:**

**Puppets' Master, Luna Calamity, IcarusWing, Tall on the Inside, AnonymousSanSama, Ryu3oktober, KiaraWangWilliams, Nyapoop14**

**and all those others who provided ideas for this fic. You are all Prussia (I would capitalise the names, but that might cause some confusion when you search them... you'd better).**

* * *

**And then there's everyone from **the U.S., the U.K., Taiwan, Canada, Mexico, Germany, Indonesia, Saudi Arabia, Australia, the Philippines, U.A.E., Singapore, Sweden, India, Poland, the Netherlands, Portugal, Iceland, France, Uganda, Hong Kong, El Salvador, Lithuania, Israel, Ukraine, Vietnam, Spain, Finland, Bulgaria, New Zealand, Norway, Italy, Macau, Romania, Serbia, Montenegro, Ireland, Belgium, South Africa, Denmark, Turkey, Russia, Japan, Brunei Darussalam, China, Bolivia, Switzerland, Kuwait, Chile, the Republic of Korea, Guam, Thailand, Aland Islands, Egypt, Estonia, Hungary, Venezuela, Austria, Guatemala, Brazil, Belarus, and Malaysia** who have read my story.**

* * *

**And also, not to forget Himaruya Alföðr, All Father ****(sorry, Odin)****, for creating Hetalia. **

**And thanks to the people who created Wikipedia, too, because Wikipedia is awesome. Especially the Latin prefixes page (only about two people would get this...).**

* * *

**LASTLY, A BIT OF EMPHASIS ON SOME PEOPLE:**

**AnonymousSanSama and ****Nyapoop14****: **thanks for sticking with me for just about all of my fanfictions and for all your support!

**Puppets' Master: **some of your ideas probably kept this thing going. Thank you!

**Anna Whitlinger and WooHooHETALIA (and "EnchantedFairyPuff," if you're reading this, even if I know you don't have an account): **thanks for being great friends (even if I have a tendency to threaten you all with "injections" Me: heh.).

**Not that the rest of you aren't great, too.**

* * *

**COOKIES FOR READING.**

**CONT' TO PART 37.**

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Arthur Kirkland

a=m/s2

– England

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Alfred F. Jones

What?

- AMERICA THE CONFUSED HERO!

* * *

To: Francis Bonnefoy  
From: Arthur Kirkland

[Forwarded: From Alfred F. Jones to Arthur Kirkland, Subj: Re: Acceleration]

See, I told you he wouldn't know. Ha.

– England

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Francis Bonnefoy

Oui. Fine. You taught him well... for a hoodlum.

~ France

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland and Francis Bonnefoy  
From: Alfred F. Jones

WHAT?

- AMERICA THE INCREASINGLY CONFUSED HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Arthur Kirkland

Shoo.

England

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Francis Bonnefoy

Go away, Amerique. This is _adult _business. Why don't you go and play your little videogames or watch something? I heard that season five of "Star Wars the Clone Wars" just came out. Maybe they'll have that Jar Jar alien in this season. He reminds me of you a lot.

~ France

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland and Francis Bonnefoy  
From: Alfred F. Jones

WHAT?

- AMERICA THE INCREASINGLY INCREASINGLY CONFUSED HERO!

* * *

To: Matthew Williams  
From: Alfred F. Jones

Hey bro,  
You know, reading France and Britain's correspondence (I outta forward it to you but I'm too lazy to...), I'm starting to get that feeling again. The sense that my entire childhood was an elaborate sabotage.

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Matthew Williams

Dear Brother,  
At least people noticed you when you were a kid, unlike how they didn't seem to ever see me. I think you only really noticed me once throughout our entire childhood, and that was in 1812 when you wanted to annex me.

Sincerely,  
Canada

* * *

To: Matthew Williams  
From: Alfred F. Jones

Really?

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Matthew Williams  
From: Alfred F. Jones

WAIT A SECOND, WHO THE HELL IS THIS? ? ?  
STALKER ALERT! ! ! !

- AMERICA THE HERO! !

* * *

To: [Everyone]  
From: Matthew Williams

OH COME ON NOW! DO I RADIATE AN AURA THAT PREVENTS PEOPLE FROM SEEING ME OR SOMETHING? WHY IS IT THAT NO ONE EVER SEES ME, OR HEARS ME, OR ANSWERS MY E-MAILS? ! IS IT THAT I'M COMPLETELY OVERSHADOWED BY MY BROTHER? IS IT THAT MY ACHIEVEMENTS CAN NEVER RIVAL AMERICA'S? !

– CANADA

* * *

To: Matthew Williams  
From: Ludwig

In all likelihood, yes, since your brother is the world's only superpower at this moment.

Germany

* * *

To: Ludwig  
From: Matthew Williams

That was incredibly blunt.

Canada

* * *

To: Matthew Williams  
From: Ludwig

Oh, was it? I'm sorry.

Germany

* * *

**. . . .**

* * *

To: [Everyone]  
From: Matthew Williams

Ah, everyone, sorry. I apologise for my not-so-little outburst a bit ago. I'm afraid I was a bit out of control at the time. Please accept my deepest apologies.

Again, sorry,  
Canada

* * *

**ON OCTOBER 1**

* * *

To: Yao Wang  
From: Alfred F. Jones

HAPPY DAMN COMMIE BIRTHDAY YOU F—KING GIT. GO AWAY AND DIE YOU GOD DAMN F—KING COMMUNIST.

Attached: [recording] jinglebellsihatechinahaha

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Yao Wang

So you're twisting one of your own Christmas songs? Honestly, you are all so immature.

China

* * *

To: Yao Wang  
From: Alfred F. Jones

Well, look who's talking! You can't even predict the future, or use mystical forces, or fight evil emperors. Hell, YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE A BEARD. And you say you're 4000+? Pfft.

- AMERICA THE HERO!

PS.: You haven't got a devoted younger pupil who completely worships you, either.

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Yao Wang

I'm not one of those stereotypical old guys from your movies!

– China

* * *

**STEPS TO MAKING A GOOD MOVIE**

* * *

**Step 1:** Choose a main character

**Step 2:** Kill off the main character's parents and dump them with an aunt or uncle, or both.  
**Step 3:** Add a super powerful villain with freakish features, say, he looks like a wrinkly yellow old emperor, or he hasn't got a nose and he looks like he's just been dumped in a barrel of white paint.  
**Step 4:** Throw in a wise old guy with a white beard.  
**Step 5:** Somehow kill off the wise old guy (ex. he gets sliced apart by an old apprentice of his who is now one of the evil guys et cetera, et cetera)  
**Step 6:**Have the main character mope around for a while, then have him (or less commonly, her) kill the evil guy after an epic battle of sorts.

**Optional:** insert a love interest for the main character at some point:

**"If the boy and girl walk off into the sunset hand-in-hand in the last scene, it adds 10 million to the box office."**

- George Lucas

**OR**, create a bunch of characters (recommended: ten or twelve), stick them in a mansion or someplace with an evil monster, and kill them off one by one (make the deaths really epic). By the way, it might also be a good idea to add blood everywhere. Also, it works best when all of the characters are really stupid.

What you **DON'T** do is add sparkly vampires suffering from malnutrition (they're always to _pale_).

* * *

**Random Fact:** In ancient Rome, it was considered a sign of leadership to be born with a crooked nose.

**Random Fact 2:** The numbers '172' can be found on the back of the U.S. $5 dollar bill in the bushes at the base of the Lincoln Memorial.

**Random Fact 3:** Mary Stuart became Queen of Scotland when she was only six days old.

**That's it for today. Leave a comment!**

**The Doctor DIED and the same person who killed him revived him. Haha. And no, I _certainly_ did not spend the entire morning (and noon) watching Doctor Who. **

**HAPPY BIRTHDAY, TAIWAN!**


	38. Author's Note and other stuff

**Okay, so I'm planning this World War I version of Correspondence (as its own story and updating separately, no, I'm not ending this). **  
**I'd like a few people to help beta. If anyone does decide to help me with this project, please see the link I gave on my PROFILE.**

**Please?**

**Since Fanfiction doesn't like having A/Ns as chapters, here's some bonus stuff:**

* * *

**I HATE THIS KIND OF CAFE**

* * *

**Cafe Switzerland**

* * *

CUSTOMER: Robert Silver, who just about lives on coffee, but whose car broke down five miles from the city (he had to push it).

Robert sat down heavily on the first seat he saw, "I'd like some coffee, please," he said exhaustedly.  
"That'll be twenty dollars," came the reply.  
Robert's mind spun at the sickening sum, but he decided, _ah, well, it's coffee._ He handed the money to the host.  
BAM.  
His eyes bugged out as an undersized mug of coffee was slammed right in front of his nose. He said the only thing he could.  
"WHA...? !"  
"That's coffee," snapped Switzerland.  
"Oh... uh... thank you..." he muttered, glancing cautiously at Switzerland through the corner of his eye.  
He took a sip.  
"BLEEAARGHHH!" he spat as the "coffee" poured right back out of his mouth.  
Switzerland was looking the other way, "Oh, I forgot to tell you," he said, "It costs too much to buy real coffee so this is something I cooked up myself. I hope you like it!"  
Robert turned to face him and noticed, for the first time and to his utter horror, the machine gun laid casually on the counter beside Switzerland.  
"Ah," he said, forcing a smile, "It was _delicious_."

* * *

**PREVIEW TO PART 38**

* * *

To: Heracles Karpusi  
From: Sadiq Adnan

O.K., since I'm preparing for war with Syria right now, I just needa tell you this: STAY. OUT. OF. IT.

– Turkey

* * *

To: Sadiq Adnan  
From: Heracles Karpusi

What in Zeus's name makes you think that I want to get involved? I'm completely broke, for goodness sake. ← Make a jab at that and I'll get all the cats in your country to destroy you. That should be easy since they're probably all glaring down at you with scorn already.

Greece

* * *

To: Heracles Karpusi  
From: Sadiq Adnan

Seeing as you're you and I'm me, I always have to be suspicious.

AND WHAT THE _HELL_do you mean by "they're all glaring down at me in scorn?" Pft.

– Turkey

* * *

To: Sadiq Adnan  
From: Heracles Karpusi

Not-at-all-dear idiot,  
They're all gods compared to you. Honestly, I have no idea why you're not already rotting in Tartarus.  
Maybe it's because not even Tartarus wants you.

Greece

* * *

**You're welcome to comment, anyway, though!**  
_


	39. Part 38: Of Rivalries

**EDIT: HETAQUEST AND HETAHAZARD UPDATED AGAIN. YAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.**

**Anna Whitlinger: Nope, but since you mentioned it... **  
**Oh, and I got a 4.0, on that essay, too, and she even gave me a "great job!" (but I still don't understand that yellow submarine business).**  
**Haha. **  
**Now to survive this next project.**

* * *

To: Heracles Karpusi  
From: Sadiq Adnan

O.K., since I'm preparing for war with Syria right now, I just needa tell you this: STAY. OUT. OF. IT.

– Turkey

* * *

To: Sadiq Adnan  
From: Heracles Karpusi

What in Zeus's name makes you think that I want to get involved? I'm completely broke, for goodness sake. ← Make a jab at that and I'll get all the cats in your country to destroy you. That should be easy since they're probably all glaring down at you with scorn already.

Greece

* * *

To: Heracles Karpusi  
From: Sadiq Adnan

Seeing as you're you and I'm me, I always have to be suspicious.

AND WHAT THE _HELL _do you mean by "they're all glaring down at me in scorn?" Pft.

– Turkey

* * *

To: Sadiq Adnan  
From: Heracles Karpusi

Not-at-all-dear idiot,  
They're all gods compared to you. Honestly, I have no idea why you're not already rotting in Tartarus.

Greece

* * *

To: Heracles Karpusi  
From: Sadiq Adnan

Go away.

– Turkey (NOT the food)

* * *

To: Sadiq Adnan  
From: Heracles Karpusi

Japan likes me better than he does you.

Greece

* * *

To: Heracles Karpusi  
From: Sadiq Adnan

WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT FOR? JAPPY OBVIOUSLY LIKES ME BETTER!

– TURKEY (I AM NOT A BIRD)

* * *

To: Sadiq Adnan  
From: Heracles Karpusi

He does not.

Greece

* * *

To: Heracles Karpusi  
From: Sadiq Adnan

OH YES HE DOES!

– Turkey

* * *

To: Matthew Williams  
From: Kumajiro

Dear I'm-not-sure-who-you-are,

O.K., so here's the world of hatreds (compiled by me): Turkey and Greece really hate each other, Hungary and Romania each can't stand the sight of the other, Hungary's always really ticked at Prussia, Austria doesn't like Prussia, either. Basically everyone hates France, who hates Britain. Britain hates everyone, and they all hate him (isolationist). China really can't stand Russia and Japan, Taiwan hates China, Cuba hates America, Belarus hates everyone but Russia, who hates her, and Romano hates Germany/Potato Bastard. Oh, and Gilbird hates Pierre No. 35, a row over seeds or something, I think.  
There are more but I can't remember right now.  
So, I suggest you go and, say, pick a fight with someone, maybe Greece or Turkey or Hungary. They'll all definitely notice you then.

Cheers,  
Kumajiro

PS.: I forgot your name again, what is it, Canary? No, probably not, canaries taste good...

* * *

To: Matthew Williams  
From: Kumajiro

Oh, an addendum to the previous letter:  
Link: WehateChina!Club

– Kumajiro

* * *

To: Kumajiro  
From: Matthew Williams

Oh, thank you.

Canada

* * *

[Canada's diary]

HOW IN MAPLE'S NAME DO POLAR BEARS TYPE?

* * *

To: Sadiq Adnan  
From: Heracles Karpusi

Egypt thinks you're stupid.

Greece

* * *

To: Heracles Karpusi  
From: Sadiq Adnan

LIKE HELL! HE THINKS _YOU'RE _STUPID, KARPISSY.

- Turkey

* * *

To: Sadiq Adnan  
From: Heracles Karpusi

Pissy yourself. I'll bet you did piss in your pants this morning.  
Karpussy sounds better (but of course, you haven't the sense to see).  
I love cats.

- Greece

* * *

To: Sadiq Adnan  
From: Heracles Karpusi

OH FREAKING QUIT IT! IT'S NO FUN TO ARGUE WITH YOU IF YOU CONSTANTLY RANDOMLY SPOUT OUT PROFESSIONS OF LOVE FOR CATS! ! !

- Turkey

* * *

**THE EMPIRE OF ISLAM**

* * *

To: [Abbasid Empire]  
From: [Umayyad Empire]

Dear stupid,  
Hello, something really weird happened to me today. You know how you couldn't kill me off and I went to that other place, Spain? Well today I met this _really_ weird kid. He was terribly cheery and he looked like he'd never seen his own hair (ex. it looked as messy as yours, pinhead).  
So I just hung around and talked to him for a while, and I told him how _someone_had chased me out of my old home. Then he looked kind of sad and then suddenly went all cheery again and told me that he had this charm which could make people cheerful.

Crazy kid, huh? He was kind of cute, though, I must say.

Umayyad Empire

* * *

To: [Umayyad Empire]  
From: [Abbasid Empire]

Oh.

Abbasid Empire

* * *

To: [Abbasid Empire]  
From: [Umayyad Empire]

Oh, and, are you still bullying Christians and all? Because I'm getting really annoyed at them now (goodness, why don't they just go to Mesopotamia or something, I'm sure they'd all get along, the guy _is_crazy like them).

Umayyad Empire

* * *

To: [Umayyad Empire]  
From: [Abbasid Empire]

My capital is in Mesopotamia.

Abbasid Empire

* * *

To: [Abbasid Empire]  
From: [Umayyad Empire]

Oh, is it now? Maybe that's why you're the way you are. I'll send you some Mesopotamian beer some time!

Umayyad Empire

* * *

To: [Umayyad Empire]  
From: [Abbasid Empire]

I can't see any way to answer that. At all.

Abbasid Empire

* * *

To: [Abbasid Empire]  
From: [Umayyad Empire]

!~osososososososososososuF

– Umayyad Empire

* * *

To: [Umayyad Empire]  
From: [Abbasid Empire]

And you're calling _me_ crazy?  
… May I ask what exactly that is supposed to mean?

Abbasid Empire

* * *

To: [Umayyad Empire]  
From: [Abbasid Empire]

It's the de-cheerfulness charm! Enjoy! [(Or don't) ← you saw nothing]

– Umayyad Empire

* * *

**Random Fact: **According to a British law passed in 1845, attempting to commit suicide was a capital offense. Offenders could be hanged for trying (hell, Britain).

**We have to write a story for English. [GYAAAAAAAAAHH! !]**  
**And a **_**social **__**commentary**_** of all things. Meh. I did that China/Japan thing with the islands. Went almost completely off track (main character is an old lady with a history with the World Wars etc.) and the title ended up being a nice line from a World War I poem by Thomas Hardy:**

_"Calm fell. From Heaven distilled a clemency;_  
_There was peace on earth, and silence in the sky;_  
_Some could, some could not, shake off misery:_  
_The Sinister Spirit sneered: 'It had to be!'_  
_And again __the Spirit of Pity__ whispered, 'Why?'"_  
– Thomas Hardy, from "And There Was A Great Calm"

**Underlined bit. I have a strange obsession with the Great War. **_**To End All Wars**_** by Adam Hochschild was brilliant. **  
**Haha. THANK YOU, ADAM HOCHSCHILD, FOR THAT BOOK BECAUSE IF I HADN'T BEEN REREADING THAT THING FOR THE UMPTEENTH TIME I WOULDN'T HAVE HAD ANY IDEAS.**

**And guess what? That social commentary is our mid-term exam.**

**[Insert England's hysterical laugh from the Splendid Isolation episode]**


	40. Part 39

**CORRESPONDENCE BETWEEN HETALIANS 39**  
**- That one in between the one that took thirty minutes to write and the Halloween one I'm obsessing over right now.**

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Alfred F. Jones

HEYA DUDE! IT'S ALMOST HALLOWEEN! WHATCHA GOING TO DRESS UP AS? ?

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Arthur Kirkland

I don't know, maybe someone with a hero-beheading-chainsaw. That would be very interesting. I think I will.

England

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Alfred F. Jones

Dude. I don't even know why I write to you.

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Arthur Kirkland

I don't know, either.

England

* * *

_Turkey's new status is: I am not a bird._

* * *

To: [Syria]  
From: Sadiq Adnan

If you keep bombing me and bugging me I'll declare war on you!

– Turkey

* * *

To: Sadiq Adnan  
From: [Syria]

If you declare war on me, I'll just bomb you more!

– Syria

* * *

To: [Syria]  
From: Ivan Braginski

If you bomb my ally Turkey more, _I'll_ declare war on _you_.

Russia :D

* * *

To: Ivan Braginski  
From: Arthur Kirkland

If you start World War III, I'll curse you for eternity with my magic!

England

* * *

To: Ivan Braginski, Sadiq Adnan, and [Syria]  
From: Yao Wang

If you start World War III, I'll make millions selling weapons to everyone! ! !  
So start it. Now.

– China

* * *

To: Ivan Braginski, Sadiq Adnan, and [Syria]  
From: Francis Bonnefoy

If you all start another World War I'll make you all eat Britain's food.

~ France :'(

* * *

To: [Everyone involved]  
From: Basch Zwingli

If you drag me into this I'll destroy you!

– Switzerland

* * *

To: [Everyone's bosses]  
From: [Germany's boss]

Good morning, everyone.  
So, who would like to start this year's Secret Online Annual Bosses' Prep-for-Halloween Convention? If no one wants to, I'll begin.

Germany's Boss

* * *

To: [Germany's boss]  
From: [France's boss]

Go ahead.

France's boss

* * *

To: [Germany's boss]  
From: [America's boss]

Yes, you can start.

America's boss

* * *

To: [Everyone's bosses]  
From: [Germany's boss]

Right.  
Here's a list of a few things I think we ought to do to prepare for this potentially traumatising holiday:

- First of all. lock up France (he is a _severe_ threat to the population).  
- Convince England to _not_ prepare his own candy.  
- Tell Russia to stay at home (we can probably ensure that he stays there by stationing Belarus outside the front door).  
- Prepare a few hundred tons of garlic just in case Romania conjures up something weird again.  
- Belarus is not to dress up as a bride. Ever.

– Germany's boss

* * *

To: [Everyone's bosses]  
From: [England's boss]

And also, tell America _not_ to make England dress up as Batman again, last time when England got back from that party I had to _frantically_ go out and buy a giant safe to lock _anything_ sharp in. Including staplers and pencils. You can't imagine how hard it is to do paperwork like that until _you've_written entire essays using your fingernails.

– England's boss

* * *

To: [England's boss]  
From: [France's boss]

How about writing essays in your tiny closet because your _own _country terrifies the hell out of you when he's drunk?

France's boss

* * *

To: [France's boss]  
From: [England's boss]

My closet is considerably large, so that's not much of a problem. It's when he finds the ale that you've hidden in your closet to prevent him from drinking and decides to take it all in your closet and get drunk there that it gets bad.

England's boss

* * *

To: [Syria]  
From: Heracles Karpusi

If you keep bombing Turkey I'll bake you a cake.

Greece (loves cats)

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Alfred F. Jones

I know who you can dress up as! You can be Emperor Palpatine and I'll be Anakin Skywalker! Isn't that cool? ! Plus you get to be _emperor_! And you get to electrocute me!

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Arthur Kirkland

I most certainly will _not_be Palpatine. First of all: he's a wrinkly old yellow-faced git. Second: didn't Anakin Skywalker throw Emperor Palpatine down a shaft in the end?

England

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Alfred F. Jones

But he got to be Emperor first! That ought to count for something! Come on! PRETTY _PLEASE?_

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Arthur Kirkland

No. I'll just be Sherlock Holmes again.

England

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Alfred F. Jones

Oh. Okay, then I'll be Moriarty!

- AMERICA THE MORIARTY!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Arthur Kirkland

On second thought, I'll just be a Time Lord.

England

* * *

_China's new status is: DO NOT DISTURB CURRENTLY MASS-PRODUCING HALLOWEEN DECORATIONS BOTHER ME AND I'LL BOMB YOU._

* * *

**Five days till Halloween. Four until one of my essay assignments is due... which I haven't even started yet.**

**This part is overly short. I know. I was planning this one-shot for Halloween, so yeah...**

**By the way, I posted my OC list on my profile, suggestions are welcome (currently: KOSOVO, SERBIA, MACEDONIA, MONTENEGRO, ALBANIA, MESOPOTAMIA, BRITANNIA and BAHRAIN).**  
**Thanks to Nyapoop14 for help with Britannia. Bahrain's there because of a project we had in Western Social Studies...**  
**Meh.**  
**Review, follow and favorite!**


	41. Part 40: Halloween Special

**EDIT: FALSE ALARM!~ AHAHAHAHA~**

**Damn you, Tumblr.**

* * *

**[_Removed USUK IS WHAT? ! content_]**

* * *

**CORRESPONDENCE BETWEEN HETALIANS **  
**HALLOWEEN DOUBLE-PART ( - twice as long as the others). Whee.**

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Francis Bonnefoy

Not-dear America,  
I just saw your wonderful decorations! I love them! Your jack-o-lanterns are quite creative. You've even got Germany's face (that was funny)! And the haunted house was marvelous, the ghosts seemed almost real and actually quite terrified me. And the skeletons jumping out at people were brilliant! One question, though, why is it that at one point, _I_pop out?

~ France

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Arthur Kirkland

Even though you're an idiot, I have to admit that adding the frog to the haunted house was pretty scary.  
Make that traumatising.

– England

* * *

To: Francis Bonnefoy and Arthur Kirkland  
From: Alfred F. Jones

Haha! Thanks, guys! (I'm pretty much immune to England's insults now) Your decorations rock, too! Even if mine are still the coolest since I'm the hero, after all! I thought it was pretty funny that you pasted Russia's face all over your house, France, although I think what you did for Valentine's day was even scarier.

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Arthur Kirkland

Wait. "Although I think what you did for Valentine's day was even scarier." Really.  
YOU IDIOT. I think you just opened a can of worms. No, wait, a can of Loch Ness Monsters.  
DON'T COME RUNNING TO ME WHEN SOMETHING HORRIBLE HAPPENS.

Preparing Anti-France nukes,  
England

* * *

To: Ludwig  
From: Feliciano Vargas

Happy Halloween! Come and see the decorations Romano and I put up! They're so scary they made Spain scream!

Italy~

* * *

To: Feliciano Vargas  
From: Ludwig

Oh, alright.

Germany

* * *

To: Matthias Køhler  
From: Lukas Bondevik

Hello, Denmark,  
I just thought I ought to let you know, Netherlands has stolen your collection of every Lego piece ever manufactured, you know, that collection you've been working on ever since the beginning of the company? Anyway, he's holding it for ransom on Norom island (coordinates: XX, XX). It's really tiny so you'll have to jump down from a helicopter or something, and you probably won't be able to see it clearly until you land on it. It's basically a rock.  
You can't sail there, either, because of the ice and things.  
The ransom is 2 million euros.  
Best,  
Norway

PS.: He says that the helicopter has to leave right after they drop you off.

* * *

To: Lukas Bondevik  
From: Matthias Køhler

WHAT? !

* * *

To: Matthias Køhler  
From: Lukas Bondevik

You'd better hurry.

– Norway

* * *

_England's new status message is: Frog! Why do you have scones hanging above your porch?_

* * *

To: Emil Steillson  
From: Lukas Bondevik

[_Forwarded:_[[series of messages between Matthias Køhler and Lukas Bondevik]]]

See? I told you I could scare him over e-mail. You have to call me "big brother," now.

– Norway

* * *

To: Lukas Bondevik  
From: Emil Steillson

Fine, _big brother_,  
Now what? You've gotten Denmark to go and strand himself on an island (I'm guessing Netherlands isn't even there).  
By the way, where is that Norom island, anyway?

Iceland

* * *

To: Emil Steillson  
From: Lukas Bondevik

In the middle of the Arctic Ocean.

– Norway

* * *

To: Lukas Bondevik  
From: Emil Steillson

Really? I've never heard of an island there, and I essentially _live _there.

Iceland

* * *

To: Emil Steillson  
From: Lukas Bondevik

It's because there isn't one.

Norway

* * *

To: Lukas Bondevik  
From: Emil Steillson

What? ...Oh...

Iceland

* * *

_France's new status message is: Ohonhonhonhonhon~_

* * *

To: Antonio Fernandez Carriedo  
From: Ludwig

I saw Italy and Romano's decorations, and I have to admit, they were pretty scary... up until they  
showed me what really horrified you.

A tomato with a knife stuck in it?  
Really?  
– Germany

* * *

To: Ludwig  
From: Antonio Fernandez Carriedo

It was _bleeding_! There was tomato blood _oozing_ out of it!  
It was just so horrifying! It's like you just round a corner and in that haunted house and you see _that_! A mutilated tomato sitting in a glass case on a black-cloth-covered pedestal, red blood dripping onto the velvet!  
It's just so _sad_!  
Augh!

– Spain

* * *

To: Antonio Fernandez Carriedo  
From: Ludwig

Are you sure you're mentally prepared for this holiday?

Germany

* * *

_France's new status message is: :D_

* * *

To: [Everyone's bosses]  
From: [France's boss]

ALERT! CODE -1! IT'S A CODE -1! ALERT! HE'S DOING _THAT_FACE [ :D]! BLOODBATH FACE! CODE -1!

– FRANCE'S BOSS

* * *

To: [France's boss]  
From: [Germany's boss]

Verdammt! Gathering police forces.

– Germany's boss

* * *

To: [France's boss]  
From: [Italy's boss]

Code -1? Oh no. Not again. Bloodbaths are horrible. Christmas was bad enough.

– Italy's boss

* * *

To: [Everyone's bosses]  
From: [Greece's boss]

WHAT? ! CODE -1? ! CODE -1! GAHH! CODE -1! Code -1! MASS PANIC! MAASS PANIC! RUN FOR YOUR _LIVES_! HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP! NOO! GAAHHHH!

* * *

To: [Greece's boss]  
From: [England's boss]

FOR GOD'S SAKE, MAN! _SHUT UP!_

– ENGLAND'S BOSS

* * *

To: [England's boss]  
From: [Greece's boss]

ok

* * *

_Poland's new status message is: Pink or blue skirt? ;D_

* * *

To: [Germany's boss]  
From: [America's boss]

So, Code -1, huh?  
You know, I was just wondering, why is it called Code -1? Does it really stand for something or is it just some random name someone came up with at the last moment?

America's boss

* * *

To: [America's boss]  
From: [Germany's boss]

It was the last president of France's choice. It was based off his joking estimate of France's IQ.  
Now, are you going to help in hunting down the crazy frog or not? Basically all of the other major leaders have done at least _something_.

– Germany's boss

* * *

To: [Germany's boss]  
From: [America's boss]

I can't. I'm busy.

America's boss

* * *

To: [America's boss]  
From: [Germany's boss]

Come on, now. This is _literally _a national emergency!

– Germany's boss

* * *

To: [Germany's boss]  
From: [America's boss]

But I still have to manage that economy thing! And the unemployment problem, and also those paranoid Muslims (not all of them are paranoid, of course, but still!), and Syria, and that Turkey-Syria situation, since if Syria and Turkey start fighting then Russia will come in to help Turkey and then maybe that China-Japan argument will explode into all-out war and _then_ it'll be World War III, which is bad, absolutely horrifying. And then of course there are the elections coming up. I just _can't _let those Republicans take over because they're simply horrible. And because of _that_, I need to try and win back those Christians I lost when I decided to back legalising gay marriage (now I don't know if that was a good move or not). And then there's Greece and Spain and Italy and all of them. I know they're terribly far away but since this is America we'll stick our fingers into other people's business anyway, we're America, after all! And I also have to mediate a bunch of little disagreements here and there and over there and over there, PLUS there's that dreadful hurricane, or superstorm as they call it now, that's simply horrifying![...]  
[_Click here to view the rest of this message (1066 words)_]

– America's boss

* * *

To: [America's boss]  
From: [Germany's boss]

Okay, okay, fine. Then stop babbling and actually get to work. I'll bet a beer that you're partying your face off at some Halloween party somewhere obscure.

– Germany's boss

* * *

To: [Germany's boss]  
From: [America's boss]

….

* * *

To: [America's boss]  
From: [Germany's boss]

Get me a beer, and get to work.

Germany's boss

* * *

To: [Germany's boss]  
From: [America's boss]

Well, you _need _to mix with the people! Socialise with the people you lead! Then they'll think of you as a people's leader (NOT a commie, of course) and they'll be more willing to follow you and more supportive of your policies [...]

[_Click here to view the rest of this message (509 words)_]

America's boss

* * *

_Lithuania's new status message is: ...I don't know what to think... Poland... really..._

* * *

To: Feliks Łukasiewicz  
From: Toris Laurinaitis

Dear Poland,

Please stop cross-dressing and posting pictures of yourself online... it's really a bit... off. And you're not gay!

Best,  
Lithuania

* * *

To: Toris Laurinaitis  
From: Feliks Łukasiewicz

Aw. Ok, fine. I'll change into normal clothes if you like hurry up and finish with whatever you're doing and come out and meet me and Estonia and the little guy!

– Poland

* * *

To: Feliks Łukasiewicz

From: Toris Laurinaitis

Taip, okay. I'll hurry.

Lithuania

* * *

To: Eduard von Bock  
From: Toris Laurinaitis

I just wonder... What exactly is Poland's definition of "normal clothes?"

Lithuania

* * *

To: Toris Laurinaitis  
From: Eduard von Bock

I don't really know.

I'm signing off now. I'll text you later to tell you.

Estonia

* * *

To: [France's boss]  
From: Francis Bonnefoy

Ah~! Dear boss, why do you lock me up in this cell? I was only going to have a little bit of fun! We've never had a Halloween bloodbath before! Even April Fool's Day was much more interesting than this is right now! And I had the most wonderful plans for today~

~ France :'(

* * *

**Bosses... me getting political again...**  
**BWAHA. **  
**Let's put in a bit of the history of Halloween!**

* * *

As most people know, the name "Halloween" comes from the old "All Hallows Eve," (All Hallows Day was when Catholics took time to pay their respects to saints).

Also, October 31 was the end of the Celtic year, and so it was supposed to be the day when the spirits of the people who died in that year would come and try to possess the living (...).  
People dressed up in scary costumes in order to frighten the spirits away (dressing up as a ghost to scare a ghost... hm...)

* * *

**THE ORIGIN OF:**

* * *

**TRICK-OR-TREATING **

People think trick-or-treating came from a traditional European custom called "souling," where Christians used to go from door to door asking for "soul cakes." For every cake you gave them they would say a prayer for one of your dead relatives. Sounds like bribery to me, but they _were_ pretty religious back then.  
"Give me your food and I'll pray for your relatives even if I have no idea if it'll even reach God!"

* * *

**APPLE BOBBING**

* * *

The Romans (hello, Grandpa Rome) used to celebrate Pomona ( the goddess of fruit), in October. Also, Pomona's symbol was an apple. That's where some people think apple bobbing came from.  
Weird but it kind of makes sense.

* * *

**JACK-O-LANTERNS**

* * *

Carving a face in a pumpkin and sticking a candle inside it is supposed to come from Irish folklore about some guy named Jack. Apparently Jack was a notorious trickster and once even managed to get Satan stuck in a tree. When Jack died, he was refused Heaven because of his bad behaviour. Satan also refused Jack entry into Hell (he trapped him up a tree, for goodness sake!), but gave him a single ember to guide him in the dark. The ember was then placed inside a turnip to make it last longer (how they made it fit I don't know).  
Somehow the turnip eventually turned into a pumpkin. No idea why.

**Some bored guy: "**Since turnips are so expensive this year, I'll just use a pumpkin because I'm Swiss!"

* * *

**END OF HISTORICAL BABBLE**

* * *

To: Lukas Bondevik  
From: Matthias Køhler

You know, that was just INHUMAN!  
I COULD HAVE DROWNED TO DEATH IN THE FREEZING ARCTIC WATERS!  
Who would want to be an ice cube for Halloween? !

- Denmark

* * *

To: Matthias Køhler  
From: Lukas Bondevik

Well, you could've just used your million-decibel voice to call for help. After all, you are best known for being unbearably loud.

Norway

* * *

_Hidekaz, Hidekaz,_  
_Why do you do this to me?_  
_I buy your volumes and now,_  
_You made that damn pairing canon._

Italy's song is so useful...

* * *

**USUK = Canon?**  
**Here that popping sound? That's the sound of the meaning of my life self-destructing.**

**I'm competing in 200 meters (Field Day) today. Wish me luck. I'll need it. Even if I'm the fastest girl in our class... (EGO, SHUT UP)**

**HI-MA-RU-YA WHY? ! **  
**I CAN'T. I CAN'T. **

**Review. Maybe fix a bit of my life?**

* * *

**EDIT: AHAHAHAHA IT'S NOT CANON! ! ! !**

**[_Grammar Nazi side pulverizes the me who just typed that_] **


	42. Part 41: Thanksgiving: Bulgaria the Bird

**Wow, I haven't updated in so long. Whup. [_Definitely wasn't lazy_] Spent a few days sulking because I broke my first-place streak in high jump. Stupid leg chose the wrong day to start hurting like Hell.**

**Please see what Anna Whitlinger and I have been working on: "****The Blog of BOGOF****." ****Switzerland's blog at last.**  
**[Applause here!] **

**We're using another account: Geirdriful and Whitlinger.**

**...**

**Anyway, enjoy the part that took me three weeks to write (really).**

* * *

**PROLOGUE.**

**Kosovo:** "Hello, I'm Kosovo, a newly independent nation in the Balkan Peninsula who used to be under the control of —"  
"_MACEDONIA! WHERE'D YOU PUT THE POTATO CHIPS? MY STOMACH IS SCREAMING!_"  
**Kosovo:** "... Serbia."  
**Macedonia:** "I gave them to Kosovo."  
**Serbia:** [Turns around to see Kosovo] WHAT? !  
**Kosovo:** "Er... um..."  
**Serbia:** "RUNT! HAND 'EM OVER!"  
**Kosovo:** "I d-don't have them. Greece took them and threw them at Turkey."  
**Serbia:** "HE WHAT? ! GREECE YOU LITTLE — _GAH! GRRK! HELP!_"  
"MRREEEOW!"  
**Serbia:** "GEDIDOFFME!"  
**Romania:** [Appears from a dark room] "Stop screaming! This is a very delicate spell I'm handling!"  
**Bulgaria:** [Moves to poke at something on the floor behind Romania] "Oh. Has this weird circle got something to do with it then?"  
**Romania:** "What — NO WAIT! _BULGARIA DON'T TOUCH THAT!_"

* * *

**The long-awaited**

**CORRESPONDENCE BETWEEN HETALIANS 41.**  
**HAPPY THANKSGIVING. 2000+ word special again.**

* * *

**A Very Happy Holiday.**

* * *

To: [Romania]  
From: Elizabeta Héderváry

YOU DID _WHAT? !_ YOU _TURNED_ BULGARIA INTO A CHICKEN? !  
AND I THOUGHT YOU WERE ONLY _99 PERCENT_OF A BRAIN-DEAD SWINE!

- Hungary

* * *

To: Elizabeta Héderváry  
From: [Romania]

A _turkey_. I turned him into a _turkey_, you moron. There's a significant difference between turkeys and chickens, in case you didn't realise. But you probably didn't, since you're _Hungary._  
And remember it was an _accident_. I was telling Serbia to shut up when that _idiot_went and messed with my magic circle. It was hardly my fault.

Romania

* * *

To: [Romania]  
From: Elizabeta Héderváry

So fine, it wasn't entirely your fault. But why in the world were you even doing a turkey spell in the first place? It's not something evil wizards do normally, is it?

Hungary

* * *

To: Elizabeta Héderváry  
From: [Romania]

Thanksgiving is coming up so we needed a turkey.  
And Moldova was getting on my nerves.

Romania

* * *

_Lithuania's new status message is: "Meanwhile back at the ranch." That's an interesting phrase. Apparently it was an often used phrase in old American cowboy movies and TV shows, where it represented a transition from one scene to another. Eventually it became so common that we still use it today._

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland and Lukas Bondevik  
From: [Montenegro]

Dear England and Norway,

This is horrible! Absolutely horrible! Romania just accidentally turned Bulgaria into a turkey and he says he doesn't know how to reverse the spell! So now Bulgaria's stuck as a bird and he just spends his days wandering around the neighborhood making turkey noises. It's completely _disastrous! _It's horrible imagining how it must feel to be trapped in the body of a turkey. None of us knows what to do! What if he's stuck like that forever? ! Poor Bulgaria! This is catastrophic! Please, please help!

Panicking,  
Montenegro

PS.: He's a _Meleagris gallopavo _(_ћурка_)_._

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Lukas Bondevik

Montenegro's hyperventilating again, I see.

Norway

* * *

To: Lukas Bondevik  
From: Arthur Kirkland

I guess that's just what happens when Russia owns your economy.

England

* * *

**The German Institute for International and Security Affairs issued a statement in 2010 which declared that the Montenegrin economy is "firmly in Russian hands."**

* * *

_Serbia's new status message is: This is phenomenal: [video:__Bulgaria_the_Thanksgiving_dinner_with_a_fez]_

* * *

To: [Serbia]  
From: Alfred F. Jones

Yo, dude! Happy Thanksgiving!  
I saw your status! Awesome vid, by the way, it's hystericle (that's how you spell it, right?)!

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: [Serbia]

Who the hell are you?

Serbia

* * *

To: [Serbia]  
From: Alfred F. Jones

Oh, right! You're ignoring me because I supported Kosovo! Wow, I completely forgot. I usually have pretty good memory. Maybe it was that knock on the head I got when England threw a rock at my face yesterday...?

- AMERICA THE MEMORABLE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: [Serbia]

Who the hell are you?

Serbia

* * *

To: Lukas Bondevik  
From: Lukas Bondevik

Note to self:  
The jar on the extreme right of the second shelf from the bottom of the west wall contains potassium cyanide. Stupid Dane thought it was sugar.  
Nearly killed us all.  
He's in the ER now.  
Do not make that mistake yourself.

Norway

* * *

To: Lukas Bondevik  
From: Arthur Kirkland

Dear Norway,  
Have you figured out a cure for Bulgaria yet? I tried those red pills, but... he turned blue.

England

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Lukas Bondevik

Oh. Why don't you try [ #$%#?], then?

Norway

* * *

To: Lukas Bondevik  
From: Arthur Kirkland

He's got polka dots now...

England

* * *

_Turkey's new status message is: I hate this holiday._

* * *

To: [Romania]  
From: [Moldova]

My goodness. I just heard from Montenegro about what happened. Now look at the mess you've made! He's been turned into Thanksgiving dinner! By God, I thought — no, I think that we all thought that this year we could all finally have a peaceful Thanksgiving for once. But no, you end up messing up and turning Bulgaria into a bird! Bravo!

Moldova

* * *

To: [Moldova]  
From: [Romania]

Look, I said I was sorry before, didn't I? And anyway, if _you_want a peaceful Thanksgiving meal so badly, why don't you just go away and mind your own business?

Romania

* * *

To: [Romania]  
From: [Moldova]

Can't. I feel obliged to scold you. It's intrinsic motivation.

Moldova

* * *

To: [Moldova]  
From: [Romania]

GO DIE.

― Romania

* * *

To: [Romania]  
From: [Moldova]

PTU.

* * *

To: [Romania]  
From: Alfred F. Jones

Dude, Romania,

Moldova's right, you know. Seriously, that was a really mean thing to do to someone, especially on a holiday!

- AMERICA THE HERO!

PS.: Whatever you're probably thinking, I didn't hack. No way.

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: [Romania]

MAY THE DRACULA SUCK YOU CLEAN.

― Romania

* * *

To: [Romania]  
From: Alfred F. Jones

Hey, hey! Dude, not a good time to catch Britain disease! It's _Thanksgiving!_

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Kiku Honda  
From: Yao Wang

Diaoyutai is MINE!

China

* * *

To: Yao Wang  
From: Kiku Honda

No, it's mine.

Japan

* * *

To: Kiku Honda  
From: Yao Wang

No, it's _mine_.

China

* * *

To: Yao Wang  
From: Kiku Honda

Mine.

Japan

* * *

To: Kiku Honda  
From: Yao Wang

Mine.

China

* * *

To: Yao Wang  
From: Kiku Honda

Mine.

Japan

* * *

To: Kiku Honda  
From: Yao Wang

Mine.

China

* * *

To: Yao Wang  
From: Kiku Honda

Mine.

Japan

* * *

To: Kiku Honda  
From: Yao Wang

No, it's _mine_!

China

* * *

To: Yao Wang  
From: Kiku Honda

No, it's mine.

Japan

* * *

To: Kiku Honda  
From: Yao Wang

Diaoyutai is MINE!

China

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Alfred F. Jones

Happy Thanksgiving, England!  
You coming over to my party tonight? I invited everyone!

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Arthur Kirkland

A country got turned into a turkey and you're going on about _parties_?  
Stop bothering me.

England

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Alfred F. Jones

Aw, why don't you just give him some of that tea you drink all day long? _That_stuff's enough to shock anyone back to normal! Eugh!

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Arthur Kirkland

There's nothing wrong with the tea! It's your own purely-hamburger diet that's the problem. It makes you oblivious to how good tea really is!

England

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Alfred F. Jones

Boo.

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

_Belarus's new status message is: Let us be married today, big brother!_

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Yao Wang

I'm not going to your party tonight if Japan is going, too.

China

* * *

To: Yao Wang  
From: Alfred F. Jones

Hey, you sure? I've even got _Chinese _food over at my house, like fortune cookies and stuff!

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Yao Wang

I won't even bother explaining that fortune cookies are American.  
I'm guessing the only reason you invited me was so that you could try and get me to let you off the hook with those loans.

China

* * *

To: Yao Wang  
From: Alfred F. Jones

Why don't you go jump into a volcano.

- AMERICA THE PISSED HERO!

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Lukas Bondevik

Shall I turn Denmark into a turkey so that we can experiment?  
Oh, and we don't have to experiment on him if you don't want to. There's another benefit. If America runs out of turkey tonight we could always eat _him_. It's not even, strictly speaking, cannibalism. He's basically of his own category. He's like, _Homo Idiotens_.

Norway

* * *

To: Lukas Bondevik  
From: Arthur Kirkland

You really do hate him, don't you.

England

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Lukas Bondevik

Of course not.

Norway

* * *

_Belarus's new status message is: MARRY ME, RUSSIA._

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Alfred F. Jones

Seriously, why don't you just try giving him that tea? There's no loss for you.

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Arthur Kirkland

My analysis tells me that you just want me to run out of tea so that I'll buy more from you. Am I right? Well, it's a stupid plan.  
Find another, i_ntelligent_, way to pay back your debts.

England

* * *

To: [America's boss]  
From: Alfred F. Jones

He didn't fall for it!

- AMERICA THE DISAPPOINTED HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: [America's boss]

Damn.

* * *

_Russia's new status message is: FAR, FAR AWAY._

* * *

To: Lukas Bondevik  
From: [Romania]

This is bad, very bad. THAT PILL YOU TOLD ME TO GIVE BULGARIA GAVE HIM A _PIG_ _TAIL_. A TURKEY WITH A _PIG TAIL_.  
Why did you have that pill anyway? !

― Romania

* * *

To: [Romania]  
From: Lukas Bondevik

A pig's tail? That's odd. I was sure that that was the "reverse" pill. I'll have to go and find the real one.

Norway

* * *

To: Lukas Bondevik  
From: [Romania]

Bine... But aren't you just a bit afraid that the "reverse" pill might put the pig tail on his forehead instead?

― Romania

* * *

_AMERICAISTHEHERO's new status message is: Party starts at 6:00 PM! ! !_

* * *

To: Lukas Bondevik  
From: Arthur Kirkland

Now he's got a _pig's tail_? A blue polka-dotted turkey with a _pig's tail_? ! By God, NOW what are we going to do? This is getting terribly out of hand.

England

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Lukas Bondevik

I know. It just gets worse and worse, doesn't it?

Norway

* * *

_MEANWHILE, BACK AT THE RANCH_

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: [America's Boss]

Tell you what, why don't you go and sneak into England's house while he's out, and feed the tea to Bulgaria yourself? When he finds out, you can tell him that you had nothing to do with it, and that Bulgaria the turkey probably just wanted the tea himself, and managed to drink it all. That sound good?

America's Boss

* * *

To: [America's boss]  
From: Alfred F. Jones

SMART! ON IT, SIR! HERO TO THE RESCUE!

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

**…**

* * *

To: [America's boss]  
From: Alfred F. Jones

HOLY GOD.  
YOU WON'T BELIEVE WHAT JUST HAPPENED, BOSS.  
WHOAH.

- AMERICA THE FAIRLY SHOCKED HERO!

* * *

**…**

* * *

To: [Romania] and Lukas Bondevik  
From: Arthur Kirkland

Wow.  
You know what? Crisis averted. You can stop looking for the reverse pill now.  
My God. I can't believe the stupid git was right.  
Damn.

England

* * *

**…**

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: [Romania]

What?

Romania

* * *

To: [Romania], Lukas Bondevik, [Balkans]  
From: Bulgaria

INCREDIBLE! I'll have to thank America.  
Tea! That's all I needed! Good cup of tea!

― Bulgaria

* * *

**END.**

**DOCTOR WHO REFERENCES EVERYWHERE.**  
**That's what happens when you're writing something with the "Father's Day" theme stuck in your head. Great music. Just go to Youtube and type in "Doctor Who soundtrack Father's day."**  
**Favorite. Episode. Ever.**

**Oh, and that was a Tenth reference at the end, haha.**

**That was cracky.**  
**Leave a comment!**

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Alfred F. Jones

Hey, so you'll be coming now, right?  
I DID fix Bulgaria!

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Arthur Kirkland

Fine (although how that tea worked I'll never know), I'll come.

England

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Alfred F. Jones

THAT'S GREAT! I've already got all the seating arrangements done! You and France get a whole corner to yourselves so that you two can destroy each other without bothering everyone else!

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

**England: **KHHHHHHHHHHHHHHK...!

* * *

**V Write in the box below V**


	43. Part 42: Christmas: Carpe Diem

**(Ouch. 65 people viewed this story on December 21st. Sorry.)**

**The world didn't end December 21st because the Doctor saved us.**  
**Nothing shall shake me from that faith.**

**Oh, and long time no see, I was... er, possessed by Sword Art Online (anime). And Zelda. Why did I start playing Oracle of Seasons. Why. **

**This chapter was supposed to have been posted on Christmas. **  
**Stupid math. Stupid.**

* * *

**CORRESPONDENCE BETWEEN HETALIANS 42: CHRISTMAS**

* * *

**On the Eve**

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Alfred F. Jones

Hey Iggy! It's Christmas Eve already! Whatcha gonna get me for X'mas? I've already gotten your present, and you'll definitely love it cause it'll really improve you life by A LOT. You can trust me on this!

- AMERICA THE FESTIVE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Arthur Kirkland

HAHA! You made a Doctor Who reference! So you finally admit to how great it is! HAHAHA!

- England

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Alfred F. Jones

What? What's Doctor Who?

- AMERICA THE FESTIVE HERO!

* * *

_Lithuania's new status message is: Last Christmas, I gave Belarus my heart, and the very next day she gave it away to Russia and said it was her heart. :'(_

* * *

To: Elizabeta Héderváry  
From: [Romania]

We wish you a merry Christmas,  
we wish you a merry Christmas,  
we wish you a merry Christmas  
And a painful demise.

– Romania.

* * *

To: [Romania]  
From: Elizabeta Héderváry

So this is what pigs do during the holidays? Corrupt Christmas carols?  
I underestimated your complete and utter uselessness as contributors to society.

Hungary

* * *

To: Elizabeta Héderváry  
From: [Romania]

[_Forwarded: (from 1 year ago) To: [Romania] From: Elizabeta __Héderváry, Subj.: Swine_]

Deck the halls with Ro-ma-ni-a,  
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la.  
Spread his innards 'cross the area,  
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la.  
Burn his eyeballs,  
tear his li-ver,  
Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la la la.  
Use his limbs as modern decor,  
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la la la.

– Hungary

Swine.

– Romania

* * *

_China's new status message is: JAPAN YOU ASS! DIAOYUTAI IS __**MINE!**_

* * *

To: Yao Wang  
From: Alfred F. Jones

Now now, China, why don't you calm down a bit? It's Christmas Eve! Tis the season to be jolly! Can't you leave this islands business off for a bit? This is supposed to be a happy time!

- AMERICA THE FESTIVE HERO!

* * *

To: Yao Wang  
From: Alfred F. Jones

HEY CHINA! Did you even get my other e-mail? I said, "Now now, China, why don't you calm down a bit? It's Christmas Eve! Tis the season to be jolly! Can't you leave this islands business off for a bit? This is supposed to be a happy time!"

- AMERICA THE FESTIVE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Yao Wang

Do not disturb me, feeble-minded child.

China

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Alfred F. Jones

Dude. I think China's spaced out again. He told me: "Do not disturb me, stupid child."

- AMERICA THE FESTIVE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Arthur Kirkland

Of course he's spaced out. He hasn't even got a brain, just like France.  
By the way, I've decided on what I'll give you for Christmas, if you want to know.

England

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Alfred F. Jones

OKAY! OKAY! I WANT TO KNOW! :D

- AMERICA THE FESTIVE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Arthur Kirkland

1 free pass to be used ONCE and only ONCE: _I, the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, will not tear off your head/skin you/stone you to death/bomb you/hang you with your own intestines/vivisect you/feed your guts to lions/feed you whole to lions/have chickens peck you to death/staple you to death/slit your throat with a ruler/kill you with a pencil/kill you with a chainsaw/etc._

- England

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Alfred F. Jones

Gee... thanks.

(Gosh Britain, I didn't know you were so bloodthirsty...)

- AMERICA THE FESTIVE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Arthur Kirkland

Do you want me to revoke your pass? Because I _was_going to kill you since you called me IGGY again!

England

* * *

_Mr. Puffin's new status message is: That little punk Iceland got himself lost in his own country! Whada punk! !1˙! ! !_

* * *

To: Emil Steillson  
From: Matthias Køhler

WHOAH, really? You seriously got yourself lost in your own country? That's so boss! HAHAHA!

- Denmark

* * *

To: [Mr. Puffin]  
From: Emil Steillson

You bird.

When did you get an e-mail account.

Iceland

* * *

To: Emil Steillson  
From: [Mr. Puffin]

When you left the computer on last week!  
MERRY CHRISTMAS.  
YAHAGAGAHAHAHA!1! # !

- Mr. Pufin

* * *

To: Emil Steillson  
From: Lukas Bondevik

Hey, little brother, when did that puffin of yours learn to type?

Norway

* * *

To: Lukas Bondevik  
From: Emil Steillson

Shut up.

Iceland

* * *

_France's new status message is: OOH! It's Christmas time! *3*_

* * *

To: [France's Boss] and [Germany's Boss]  
From: [America's Boss]

Hey, do you think we should lock up France a bit early this time, just in case he does anything really —? Personally, I think we should, citing the examples of basically every year France has existed/terrorized the Earth.

America's Boss

* * *

To: [America's Boss]  
From: [France's Boss]

Are you calling us TERRORISTS? ! Watch your tongue, American.

– France's Boss

* * *

To: [France's Boss]  
From: [America's Boss]

I'm calling the personification of your country a terrorist, not your people.

America's Boss

* * *

To: [America's Boss]  
From: [Germany's Boss]

Dear fellow boss,

Yes, I agree with you on this matter. Seeing as France's boss seems to be incommunicado for some reason — I heard that he's sulking?— I'll get the French police to arrest him somehow.

Germany's boss

* * *

_Italy's new status message is: CHRISTMAS DAY! I wonder what Grandpa's doing up there?_

* * *

To: [Ancients minus China]  
From: [Britannia]

God says yes! We can go and visit the living world.  
Just  
_'Don't cause an early apocalypse because the world's scheduled to end in the year __5.5/Apple/26, which is five billion years from now and I hate messing up schedules. And don't steal stuff even if it used to be yours (like the mummified remains of Mesopotamia's llamas as I'm sure Mr. Llama won't enjoy seeing... himself... I don't want to, either, at least not up close since I _can_ see that corpse from up here if I want to. Eugh). And don't let anyone recognise you either, since you might start up some kind of Search for Immortality – _BAD_. … And tell Rome not to pick fights with random people.' _  
Listen to God. I agree with him.

Britannia

* * *

To: [Britannia]  
From: Grandpa Rome

:D / :(

- Grandpa Rome

* * *

To: [Britannia]  
From: [Mesopotamia]

Can we take beer then?

Mesopotamia

* * *

To: [Mesopotamia]  
From: [Britannia]

By 'take,' do you mean with or _without _payment?

Britannia

* * *

To: [Britannia]  
From: [Mesopotamia]

That depends on whether or not I have any $$$, of course. And if I'm drunk already how the Hell am I supposed to know whether or not I have any $$$ crap?

Mesopotamia

* * *

To: [Britannia]  
From: [Ancient Greece]

So... we're dead meat if our kids recognise us. Not literally, I mean, since we're already dead, but you get the point, ναι?

Greece's mom  
(I decided that "Ancient Greece makes me sound too old)

* * *

To: [Ancient Greece]  
From: [Britannia]

Yes.

Britannia

* * *

_Prussia's new status message is: The awesome me is going out to Christmas dinner with West and Japan and that Italy kid tonight! Me = Awesome._

* * *

To: Ludwig  
From: The Awesome Gilbert Beilschmidt

WHOA! I GET IT NOW!  
E=mc2  
Energetic Awesome me = moron Austria x [times] crapface Hungary squared

-  
ICH BIN GENIAL!  
PRUSSIA

* * *

[Note on a package]

To: The Awesome Gilbert Beilschmidt  
From: Ludwig

Here's your brain, I found it hiding in the cupboard.

Fröhliche Weihnachten, Merry Christmas,

- Germany

* * *

_Romano's status message is: Spain you jerk, you'd better have gotten me something good this year. And NOT a tomato suit like last year, you bastard. It's NOT cute_

* * *

To: Antonio Fernandez Carriedo  
From: Lovino Vargas

Spain you jerk, you'd better have gotten me something good this year! And NOT a tomato suit like last year, you bastard. It's NOT cute.

Romano

* * *

To: Lovino Vargas  
From: Antonio Fernandez Carriedo

Don't worry! It's not any kind of clothing this time!  
It's a bull who only eats tomatoes! GREAT, ISN'T IT? !

Spain :D

* * *

...

* * *

To: Yao Wang  
From: Alfred F. Jones

Either Spain's really that weird, or he's on cocaine, or he's really finally cracked.

- AMERICA THE FESTIVE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Yao Wang

I think he's just like that, all you Westerners are weird.  
By the way, WERE YOU THE ONE WHO PUT POTASSIUM CYANIDE IN MY TEA THIS MORNING?

China

* * *

To: Yao Wang  
From: Alfred F. Jones

What? No, I was at Japan's all morning playing his video games.

- AMERICA THE FESTIVE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Yao Wang

THEN WHO WAS IT, DO YOU THINK?

- CHINA

* * *

To: Yao Wang  
From: Alfred F. Jones

Dude, sheesh, quit banging out the capitals! It was probably Indonesia, or Britain, or someone else who hates you to death.

- AMERICA THE FESTIVE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Yao Wang

Like you, you mean?

China

* * *

To: Yao Wang  
From: Alfred F. Jones

Dude! Jeez! IT WASN'T ME!

- AMERICA THE NOT-THAT-FESTIVE-ANYMORE HERO!

* * *

To: [Everyone]  
From: Matthias Kohler

MY BEER! WHO TOOK ONE OF MY CANS OF BEER? THE ONE LABELLED "CHRISTMAS?"

DENMARK

* * *

To: Matthias Køhler  
From: Lukas Bondevik

Which one? You have dozens of "Christmas" cans. How can you even tell if one is missing, anyway? Really, I'm starting to think you might just be faking and that you actually drank it yourself just so that you can get a free drink by claiming that someone stole a can.

Norway

* * *

To: Lukas Bondevik  
From: Matthias Kohler

Why does everyone get so sinister around the holidays?

Denmark

* * *

To: Matthias Køhler

From: Lukas Bondevik

Don't trust your own analysis. It's probably incorrect since all the intelligence in our region went to me.

Norway

* * *

_France's new status message is: Why do you contain me so? ! ? It's Christmas! !_

* * *

To: [Everyone]  
From: Arthur Kirkland

Hey, who was the one who got me that tea set? I'm really quite fond of it now.

England

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Francis Bonnefoy

It was me, of course!

~ France

* * *

To: Francis Bonnefoy  
From: Arthur Kirkland

No, it obviously wasn't you, you're in jail. You wouldn't have any money to send the set either, seeing as you've spent nearly every penny of it paying to get out of jail after various … things. And you're chained to a wall, as my boss tells me.  
Seriously, who tries to molest their cellmate?

England

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Francis Bonnefoy

I don't know, Prussia, maybe?

~ France

* * *

…

* * *

**England:** -_-III

* * *

**No crack. Yes, Poptarts. Sorry for the rather rushed ending.**

**Anyhow,**  
**HAPPY 2013!**  
**Just a few more weeks until Hetalia Season 5. **  
**Yay.**

**….**  
**They look gay.**  
**So gay.**  
**Why.**

* * *

[God's Diary Entry #: Good me, I think that's a hundred too many digits]

Today I let those Ancients go back to visit their descendants.  
This is the first and last time I'm ever doing that.  
First of all, Mesopotamia tried to poison China with cyanide. I had to change the balance of the universe to make it so that the teacup spilled over onto a cockroach nearby and so Mesopotamia didn't change Fate.  
Some of the others found loopholes in my rules, too. Ancient Greece put on these Groucho glasses (enhanced with a yard brush mustache) and managed to talk with her son Greece, even if it was just thirty minutes of cats. I guess that's my fault, though, as I only said that no one could recognise them.  
And what's more, Mesopotamia stole some of Denmark's beer. Urgh. And he thought I didn't see it. ← Naughty Corner.  
There were some good points, though. For example, Rome managed to survive for twenty-four hours without picking any fights or having ΔΔΔ, even if the first thing he did when he got back was punch Spartacus in the face to get him to fight back.  
And they all left gifts for their descendants: Britannia got Britain a tea set, Iraq got beer from Mesopotamia, Rome gave both Italy and Romano gifts, etc. I still don't know if that's good or bad...

God

* * *

**Maybe another miniature chapter today if I can get ahold of the computer again. No religious offence meant, if anyone does feel offended. I don't know since I haven't a religion (and don't intend on getting one, sorry).**

**AHAHA.**  
**END.**


	44. Part 43: Sealand and the Beautiful World

**It's January twenty-fifth already.**  
**Give it to me.**  
**Even though they all look so blasted shiny.**  
**Watching 2 seasons of Doctor Who + 1/2 a season of Downton Abbey + Hetalia Season 5 all in five days= Heaven**

* * *

To: [Everyone minus Arthur Kirkland]  
From: ^Arthur Kirkland

DEAR EVERYONE!  
I NOW PROCLAIM THAT SEALAND IS NOW A REAL COUNTRY! NOW YOU CAN'T IGNORE HIM ANYMORE AND YOU HAVE TO LISTEN TO WHAT HE SAYS! ALSO, YOU GUYS HAVE TO TRADE WITH HIM, TOO, OK? OK! THEN IT'S SEALED THEN! SEALAND IS NOW A COUNTRY!

CHEERS,

ENGLAND

* * *

**SEALAND IS A COUNTRY!**

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From**: **Francis Bonnefoy

What? You're making Sealand a country now? ! For real? Are you serious? But you always said you'd rather relive 1066 than recognise him!  
I suppose I shouldn't have expected more from you, though. Black sheep of Europe. I always knew you were a pushover.

~ France

* * *

To: Francis Bonnefoy  
From: Arthur Kirkland

What in heaven's name do you mean? Is your froggy brain beginning to spout nonsense again? I never said I was making that little runt a country — ever. I think you're becoming delusional again, either that or you're severely drunk, like that time when you tried to [ΔΔΔ! ?] a table, am I right? Anyhow, _I'll_ go and take Normandy while you're at it. Frog.  
By the way, one of your Pierres got into my yard again. I gave him to the headhunters.

England

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Francis Bonnefoy

What? You didn't send that e-mail?  
Oh. I get it.  
You're trying to trick me again.  
Hoodlum.

~ France  
P.S.: What do you mean by "headhunters?" We don't have those anymore.

* * *

To: Francis Bonnefoy  
From: Arthur Kirkland

Headhunters. Switzerland and his people.  
And I'm _not_ trying to decieve you this time you ponce. I'm being completely truthful in saying that I have no idea what you're talking about with this thing about me granting Sealand nationhood. Could you just forward me that e-mail you spoke of?

England

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Francis Bonnefoy

Ohonhon~! Say _please Big Brother France!_

~ France

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Arthur Kirkland

Forward me that bloody e-mail that I apparently sent which grants Sealand nationhood. I never sent it so forward it to me or face the might of the British Empire. And DON'T bother replying except to give me that e-mail. I have no time to waste reading your imbecilic commentary.

England

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Alfred F. Jones

HEY BRITAIN! DUDE, DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THAT THING WITH SWITZERLAND AND THE CHAINSAW? IT WAS TOTALLY CRACKY BUT IT WAS AWESOME ANYWAY! IT WAS LIKE HE BASICALLY TOOK THAT THING AND WENT ON A RAMPAGE AND KEPT TRYING TO HACK FRANCE'S HEAD OFF SINCE THE PERV WAS HARASSING LIECHTENSTEIN BUT HE NEVER GOT HIS HEAD SINCE THAT BIRD OF FRANCE'S KEPT GETTING IN THE WAY HE DID MANAGE TO GIVE HIM A WEIRD HAIRCUT THOUGH AND HE CUT THE FLYING EGG OF A BIRD IN HALF. ANYWAY IT WAS SO FUNNY I THOUGHT I SHUD TELL YOU ABOUT IT OH WAIT THAT WAS LAST WEEK SO EVERYONE KNOWS ABOUT IT BY NOW HAHA! OH YEAH, HERE'S YOUR EMAIL I FORGOT HOW TO FORWARD STUFF SO I JUST COPY PASTED IT:

To: [Everyone minus Arthur Kirkland]  
From: ^Arthur Kirkland  
DEAR EVERYONE!  
I NOW PROCLAIM THAT SEALAND IS NOW A REAL COUNTRY! NOW YOU CAN'T IGNORE HIM ANYMORE AND YOU HAVE TO LISTEN TO WHAT HE SAYS! ALSO, YOU GUYS HAVE TO TRADE WITH HIM, TOO, OK? OK! THEN IT'S SEALED THEN! SEALAND IS NOW A COUNTRY!  
CHEERS,  
ENGLAND

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

_Scotland's new status message is: EVERYONE RUN! LITTLE BROTHER'S GOT A STAPLER!_

* * *

To: [Everyone]  
From: Arthur Kirkland

Dear fellow _nations,_  
It appears that an underling of mine, Sealand, has decided to use deceit in order to "become a country." Digesting the aforementioned, please disregard the e-mail sent out earlier proclaiming the recognition of Sealand as a legitimate country, as it was in no way official and must not be trusted. I apologise for any inconvenience.

England

* * *

To: [Everyone]  
From: ^Arthur Kirkland

No! Don't listen to that other guy! He's a bloody fake, see? _I'm _England! I've even got those eyebrows! Don't trust that fake! I'm the real one and I say Sealand's a country!

ENGLAND

* * *

To: ^Arthur Kirkland  
From: Arthur Kirkland

Shut up, Sealand.

England

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: ^Arthur Kirkland

You shut up, you fake! Stop pretending!

England

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Yao Wang

I think you're the fake.

China

* * *

To: Yao Wang  
From: Arthur Kirkland

Will you stay out of it for once? You can't possibly have missed that caret Sealand had to put in! Get out of here!

England

* * *

To: Peter Kirkland  
From: Yao Wang

Calm down, Sealand. If you're Britain, why would your name say "Peter Kirkland?"

China

* * *

To: Yao Wang  
From: Peter Kirkland

What? ! Change my name back, you bloody wanker! I thought I'd told you to quit doing _that _or I'd destroy you! I will!

England

* * *

To: Peter Kirkland  
From: Yao Wang

I think that's enough, Sealand.

China

* * *

To: Yao Wang  
From: Peter Kirkland

Alright, fine. Then I'm calling a World Meeting. Sealand can't pretend to be me then. And don't say I can't so that because apparently I'm not a fully recognised country. I still have a country's rights since I _am _Britain so shut up.

England

* * *

To: Peter Kirkland  
From: Yao Wang

Really? I don't think so. Last I checked, you were still Sealand, registered as a fully _un_recognised micronation.

China

* * *

To: Yao Wang

From: Peter Kirkland

What did you do this time, you Asian imbecile.

England

* * *

To: Peter Kirkland  
From: Yao Wang

Just a bit of hacking here and there, nothing much. And some minor sabotage, I suppose. Nothing a micronation would understand.

China

* * *

To: Yao Wang  
From: Peter Kirkland

I will destroy you.

England

* * *

To: Peter Kirkland  
From: Yao Wang

Look here, how about this: I'll help you fix everything if you do this: [...]

China

* * *

**...**

* * *

To: [Everyone]  
From: Arthur Kirkland

ALL HAIL CHINA, THE GREATEST NATION THIS UNIVERSE HAS EVER KNOWN! NONE CAN EVER HOPE TO SURPASS THE PURE AWESOMENESS OF THIS GREAT COUNTRY, NOR CAN ANYONE POSSIBLY RIVAL THE GLORIOUS BRILLIANCE IN ALL AREAS THAT CHINA PRESENTS! NOW WE MUST ALL BOW DOWN TO CHINA!

England

* * *

**I've just got one thing to say. At one hotel in Hong Kong, there was this one guy called Tino... who had the same hairstyle as Finland. **  
**Okay.**

* * *

**HETALIAN REACTIONS TO NEW CHARACTER DESIGNS**

* * *

To: Kiku Honda  
From: Alfred F. Jones

Okay, dude, not cool. Is this a cruel joke based on that "America's Whole Family Thinks He's Gay" video on Youtube?

- AMERICA THE ANGRY HERO!

* * *

To: Kiku Honda  
From: Arthur Kirkland

What the _Hell_ did your people do to me? ! This is horrifying. Absolutely horrifying. And everyone else.  
By God.  
WE'RE ALL _GLITTERY_! Like the Frog! What the _Hell_!

England

* * *

To: Kiku Honda  
From: Feliciano Vargas

Ve... Japan! Your eyes look alive! And mine are open!  
I don't get it!

Italy~

* * *

To: Kiku Honda  
From: [Romania]

Why am I so sparkly? I thought I made it clear that vampires _don't_ sparkle! Are you one of those obsessive Twilight fans? I demand to know if this is a deliberate insult!

Romania

* * *

To: Kiku Honda  
From: Ivan Braginski

Eh... I'm so shiny... Kolkol.

Russia :(

* * *

To: Kiku Honda  
From: Kiku Honda

Dear me,  
Just retain an imposing silence and don't reply to any of them and everything will remain fine.

Japan

* * *

**END**.  
_**Probably**_** not another hiatus.**

**If you review.**

**Haha, just kidding.**

**Probably.**


	45. Part 44: Cats

**Cats,**

_originally titled_

**In Vino Veritas... Ad Absurdum.**

* * *

To: [Everyone]  
From: Heracles Jr. II

Meow meow meow miaow mew meow miiaow mrraow meow meow meow miaow mew meow miiaow mrraow meow meow meow meow miaow mew meow miiaow mrraow meow meow meow meow miaow mew meow miiaow mrraow meow meow meow meow miaow mew meow miiaow mrraow meow.

Meeow,  
Herakles Jyuoonyer the secand

* * *

**CORRESPONDENCE BETW — MEoW MIIAOW!1! !**

* * *

To: Heracles Karpusi  
From: Arthur Kirkland

Greece!

What in Heaven's name is this supposed to mean? ! "Meow meow meow miaow mew meow miiaow mrraow meow meow meow miaow mew meow miiaow mrraow meow meow meow meow miaow mew meow miiaow mrraow meow meow meow meow miaow mew meow miiaow mrraow meow meow meow meow miaow mew meow miiaow mrraow meow."  
I believe everyone got a copy in their inbox yesterday. I believe it's from one of your cats. Normally, I have to admit, I would dismiss this as a rotten joke, but after that incident with Mr. Puffin, I believe this _questioning_ is necessary.

What the _Hell?_  
England

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Heracles Karpusi

Meow meow mew-miiaow meow mrrow.

* * *

To: Heracles Karpusi  
From: Arthur Kirkland

What?

England

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Heracles Karpusi

MEOW MEOW MEW-MIIAOW MEOW MRROW.

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Arthur Kirkland

I believe that poor git Greece has finally lost it. Translate this. Now: "MEOW MEOW MEW-MIIAOW MEOW MRROW."

Cheers,  
England

* * *

_AMERICAISTHEHERO's new status message is: Wow. I can't believe I'm asking my people to translate mad cat. It feels as awkward as one of those awkward moments in one of Ed Wood's films. No, wait, it feels as awkward as one of his films. HE HAS A CULT FOLLOWING!_

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Alfred F. Jones

Uh.

Hey, England. This weird cat message is actually kinda disturbing...  
You sure you wanna see it?

-AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Arthur Kirkland

Just tell me. I'm _older_ than you. Jesus. Forgive the blasphemy.

England

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Alfred F. Jones

Okay... it says, "We shall conquer the world with cats." The other one everyone got was something about conquering, too.

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Arthur Kirkland

... What?

England

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Alfred F. Jones

Seriously, that's what it said. Now... you know what I think I'm gonna be sick must have stayed up too late and eaten too much to stay awake decoding the stuff ...

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

_South Korea's new status message is: Crazy cats originated in Korea!_

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Arthur Kirkland

Righto, since you were too busy vomiting up your daily dose of poison, otherwise known as McDonald's, to attend the World Meeting you called yourself, I have to send you a transcript of the whole thing. Thankfully, it wasn't long. I cut out the bit where everyone was complaining about your absence, though I really can't stop myself from telling you that China compared you to Jar Jar Binks and ranted on and on about your incredible stupidity for about ten minutes.

[Transcript]

**GERMANY**. [Slams table with his palms] SHUT UP!Alright everyone! Shut up and let us begin!  
**RUSSIA**. But China was the only one talking.  
**GERMANY**. I said shut up!  
**RUSSIA**. Kolkol...  
**GERMANY**. Now! Who would like to begin?  
**ITALY**. Pasta!  
**GERMANY. **No! Pasta is inanimate, and therefore incapable of opening the meeting — Germany recognises his enemy France! You may speak!  
**FROG**. Enemy? Isn't that a bit harsh?  
**BRITAIN. **Oh shut up, you bloody —  
**GERMANY.** This is a World Meeting, not a drunken party at America's house! Do not deviate from the point.  
**FROG**. Oh! Fine. It was the hoodlum, anyway —  
**BRITAIN**. Why, you —  
**GERMANY**. Do not deviate from the point!  
**FROG**. Ah~ Of course not!  
**BRITAIN**. Hmf.  
**FROG**. Hm. Wait, allow me to first perfume the room, this repulsive burning smell Britain brings from his kitchen is destroying my delicate senses. [Spends about a minute spraying perfume everywhere, sniffs] Aha! Now, here are my gorgeous thoughts on this subject, I think that —  
**GERMANY**. [Looks up from watch] Your time is up! Stop.  
**FROG**. Excusez-moi? ! But I was not done speaking!  
**GERMANY.** It does not matter! Sit down, or leave. Who will speak next?  
**MONTENEGRO.** [Tentatively raises hand]  
**GERMANY**. Montenegro! Yes, you may speak.  
**MONTENEGRO**. [Trembling] We should all run and hide! This is terrible! Those cats are going to conquer us if we don't! Just because they're smaller than us and we could send them flying with one kick doesn't mean they can't overpower us if they find the right means! We can't —  
**SERBIA**. Aw, come on! Quit overreacting already, Montenegro! It's obviously just a trick by that geezer Greece to make us all look like idiots!  
**GERMANY**. Do not interrupt!  
**DENMARK**. Whoah, hey, Serbia, but what if Montenegro's right? Look at Mr. Puffin! He can talk and type!  
**NORWAY**. [Muttering] Why are you infecting the world with your idiotic ideas.  
**DENMARK**. [Turns around to look at Norway] What?  
**NORWAY**. What? I didn't say anything.  
**DENMARK**. But I'm pretty sure —  
**SERBIA**. Hey! But that bird's different! It's probably enchanted or something. Isn't your friend Norway part of that 'Magic Trio' or something, with that non-sparkly vampire and the guy who can't cook to save his life?  
**ROMANIA**. [Stands abruptly] What did you mean by, 'non sparkly vampire?'  
**BRITAIN**. [Stands as well] And who're you calling, 'the guy who can't cook to save his life?'  
**SERBIA.** You, obviously.  
**BRITAIN**. You! You guard that tongue! Or I swear I'll flay you!  
**ROMANIA**. Would you like being bitten by a _real _vampire, you insolent fool?  
**SERBIA**. You try it. You guys sound like the piano player now.  
**AUSTRIA**. '_Piano player?_'  
**SERBIA.** Yes.  
**GERMANY**. Order!  
**SERBIA**. Is this a court now?  
**SWITZERLAND**. [Shoots the roof] YES.  
[Silence]  
**GERMANY**. Thank you, Switzerland.  
**SWITZERLAND**. A pleasure.  
**GERMANY**. Now, allow us to begin again. As I trust we all heard, Montenegro suggested that we all run. However, this seems to be directly assuming that the _cats_ can indeed communicate with us. Yes, Turkey?  
**TURKEY**. I think we should interrogate Greece.  
**JAPAN**. Oh? Like, sit him down and entice him with cat food and free bailouts?  
**TURKEY**. No, with rack torture.  
**GERMANY**. _Rack torture?_  
**TURKEY**. Yeah!  
**BRITAIN**. Isn't that a bit drastic?  
**TURKEY**. He's sending out evil cat threats, isn't he?  
**FROG**. Isn't rack torture illegal?  
**TURKEY**. No, I don't think so. But fine, if you don't like that one then how about the knout? Or the Spanish donkey?  
**SPAIN**. [Looks up from a half-eaten tomato] Hnh?  
**GERMANY**. Let's stay away from any kind of torture for the time being.  
**TURKEY**. What —!  
**GERMANY**. Questioning! Any other ideas? France again! Do not waste any time this time!  
**FROG**. How about wine?  
**GERMANY**. _Wine?_  
**FROG**. Yes! _In vino veritas_, in wine there is truth.  
**BRITAIN**. Did you just pronounce it the French way, frog?  
**FROG**. Everything civilized is pronounced the French way.  
**BRITAIN**. _What did you say? _  
**FROG**. The black sheep of Europe's angry now, is he?  
**BRITAIN**. I'm killing you for —  
**SWITZERLAND**. [Shoots France's ponytail off]  
**FROG**. AAAAAAIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EE! MY GORGEOUS HAIR! [Continues screaming]  
**BRITAIN**. Ha ha ha!  
**ITALY**. Ve...  
**MAID**. [Escorts then still-screaming France out]  
**GERMANY**. Alright... I have to say, however, that was probably the first close-to-rational suggestion so far. Does anyone —  
**PRUSSIA**. [Suddenly bursts in] I AM AWESOOOOOOME! [Knocks the table over]  
[Chaos]  
[End of transcript]

Everyone ended up agreeing with the Frog after we kicked out that German/Prussian loon. Except me, of course.

England

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Alfred F. Jones

Hey... you changed every "France" into "Frog," didn't you. Yeah, and thanks for the transcript.

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Arthur Kirkland

No, I believe the machine did that.

Anyway, I'm supposed to ask for your opinion. So what do you say?

England

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Alfred F. Jones

I think we should use wine from my place!

- AMERICA THE HERO! :D

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Arthur Kirkland

I have nothing more to say to you.

England

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Alfred F. Jones

:D

* * *

_TheAwesomePrussia's new status message is: AUSTRIA IS THE MOST UNAWESOME PERSON ON EARTH! HAH!_

* * *

To: Ludwig  
From: Sadiq Adnan

Hey, so who gets to interrogate Greece?

- Turkey (I AM NOT A BIRD)

* * *

To: Sadiq Adnan  
From: Ludwig

Dear Turkey,  
I was thinking, perhaps Switzerland, since he is eternally neutral and would be clear of any bias. Or maybe China.

Germany

* * *

To: Ludwig  
From: Sadiq Adnan

What about one of his neighbors?

- Turkey (I AM NOT A BIRD)

* * *

To: Sadiq Adnan  
From: Ludwig

No. Not you.

Germany

* * *

_Turkey's new status message is: This is absurd! I even bought the rack myself! It cost me half the national debt! It was freaking antique!_

* * *

To: Ludwig

From: Basch Zwingli

Interrogations completed. The following pieces of information have been retrieved from Greece. Although I'm not quite sure some of them are relevant, or that anyone would want to see some of them:

- America weighs 309 pounds.  
- France once burnt a crepe.  
- Germany secretly loves flowers, especially cornflowers.  
- Turkey wears a mask not because he's ugly but because Greece once nearly shot his eye out with a carrot.  
- Turkey loves soap operas.  
- China relies on grammar checkers when he types.  
- Israel pretends he can drive but actually can't.  
- Italy can't drive, either.  
- France doesn't know how to make a scone, even when he claims he can make any food delicious.  
- Turkey is an idiot.  
- Turkey is a moron.  
- Turkey is a dung-brained imbecile.  
- Turkey's parents were a llama and a turkey (questionable).  
- Turkey's parents were camels (questionable).  
- Germany is a closet pervert.  
- Norway has a time bomb in Denmark's closet.  
- Turkey's parents were snails (questionable).  
- Switzerland once bought a piece of gold (questionable).  
- Turkey's parents were cat-haters.  
[_Click to see rest_]

- Switzerland

* * *

To: Basch Zwingli  
From: Ludwig

... How did he even get some of that information?  
And I am most certainly not a closet pervert.

Germany

* * *

To: Ludwig  
From: Basch Zwingli

My assumption is that the cats are spies. I believe you. And I did not buy any gold at any point in my lifetime. Are you going to show this to the others?

Switzerland

* * *

To: Basch Zwingli  
From: Ludwig

You know what... why don't we just tell them the interrogation was unsuccessful?

Germany

* * *

To: Ludwig  
From: Basch Zwingli

Of course. But... what about the problem?

Switzerland

* * *

To: Basch Zwingli  
From: Ludwig

We'll just let it sort itself out, shall we?

Germany

* * *

To: Ludwig  
From: Basch Zwingli

If something goes wrong, I am neutral, and must not be consulted. Goodbye.

Switzerland

* * *

_Switzerland's new status message is: NEUTRAL._

* * *

**That is probably the most crackish chapter so far. Or at least one of the crackiest. Special thanks to Guest. Yes, I published my first draft due to excessive laziness. I haven't even read it over, I just went back to change the title. If there's any weird spelling, blame the Nexus 7.**  
**Random fact: **In 2011 the most popular boys' name in Belarus was _Ivan_.  
And Norway last year the most popular boys' name was Lukas, with the second most popular being Emil and the third most popular being... Matthias/Mathias/Matias.  
**Uh?**

* * *

To: Heracles Jr. II  
From: Heraclaws Karpussy III

Meow meow miiaow meow mew meow!  
[_I told you the humans were too stupid to understand!_]

- Meow

* * *

To: Heraclaws Karpussy III  
From: Heracles Jr. II

Meow miiaow mew meow meow meow meow. Miiaow mew meow meow miaow meow meow mew mrrow.  
[_Well, maybe you should've told them that conquering and touring are the same in our tongue when you hijacked Greece's e-mail account. They thought we were going to destroy them or something when Greece and us were just going to tour the world with the musical _Cats.]

- Herakles Jyoonyer the secand

* * *

To: Heraclaws Karpussy III

From: Heracles Jr. II

Mew... Meow meow meow miaow mriaow...

[_By the way... and somehow I still can't shake off the temptation..._]

- Herakles Jyoonyer the secand

* * *

To: Heracles Jr. II

From: Heraclaws Karpussy III

Meow, meow meow meow. Mew miaow meow mew.

[_Oh, just do it. Just spare me your declarations of agreement... and the stupid e-mail too._]

- Meow

* * *

**...**

* * *

To: [Everyone]

From: Heracles Jr. II

NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN


	46. Part 45: The Year of the Snake

**Hah. I managed to post this by stealing time on my dad's laptop.**  
**Happy Chinese New Year! And enjoy watching China be a jerk**!

* * *

To: Yao Wang  
From: Alfred F. Jones

Hey China! Happy Lunar New Year! Or is it just New Year over there? Anyway! I hope you get lots of red envelopes this year! And that you get lots of cash in them, too! Even though I don't celebrate this New Year!

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Yao Wang

Dear America,  
Only children receive red envelopes on New Year's. Do your research.  
And even if I did get any I wouldn't forget about what you owe me.  
China

* * *

To: Yao Wang  
From: Alfred F. Jones

Oh.  
Hey, then, since compared to you I'm basically a kid, do I get money in red envelopes too? :D

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Yao Wang

Become an Asian nation first.

China

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Alfred F. Jones

[_Forwarded: From Yao Wang to Alfred F. Jones, Subj: Re: Happy New Year]_

Psh. What? It's not like I can just turn Asian whenever I want to. Seriously, what the Hell? Or wait.  
Is he hiding some kind of creepy commie technology from the world? !  
NO WAY! !  
- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones

From: Arthur Kirkland

I think the underlying meaning is something along the lines of "become my underling."

England

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Alfred F. Jones

Ohh.

* * *

To: Yao Wang  
From: Alfred F. Jones

YOU FAT OLD COMMIE JERK!

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

_Taiwan's new status message is: Everywhere's so crowded because of New Year now... I hope no one gets crushed. Except China. He can die._

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Yao Wang

Dear Britain,  
Have you ever about the mythology behind Chinese New Year traditions? I suppose not. Let me tell you: The main legend behind most of the tradition is that of Nian. Nian was a horrible beast who destroyed things and terrorized the people, like stealing crops and livestock, people and land...

China

* * *

To: Yao Wang  
From: Arthur Kirkland

You git:

It's called _empire-building_! For heaven's sake, I was _supposed_ to conquer people for the good of the empire! _Will you stop going on about it_? !  
England

* * *

_France's new status message is: I was complaining to China about the fact that Chinese New Year is rather lacking in ΔΔΔ... then for some reason he built a five-second Chinatown on my roof and started setting off fireworks all over my yard. He burned it._

* * *

To: [Vietnam]  
From: [Taiwan]

Nihao Vietnam!  
Happy New Year! Gong shi fa tsai!  
I was going to wish the others a happy new year, too, but then I thought about it and realized that they'd just ignore me like they always seem to, and plus I wasn't going to wish China in particular anything good, anyway. (Maybe Hong Kong and Macau... but... what if they ignore me, too? I won't then. China stinks.)  
Diaoyutai's mine. It's closer to me than either China or Japan. I dislike China more, though. No one's going to acknowledge me, huh? You'll acknowledge me, though, right? Of course you will! You're my friend, right?

Taiwan

* * *

To: [Taiwan]  
From: [Vietnam]

Dear Taiwan,  
Happy New Year to you, as well.  
And of course I'll acknowledge you.  
Vietnam

* * *

To: [Thailand]  
From: [Vietnam]

Dear Thailand,  
I think... put Taiwan down for confidence issues.  
Oh, and Happy New Year to you.  
I just got an e-mail from Taiwan. She seemed a bit... off.

Vietnam

* * *

To: [Vietnam]  
From: [Thailand]

Dear Vietnam,  
Okay. Happy New Year!  
By the way, this master list of countries' flaws is getting pretty long, I have to say. Maybe we should get rid of some lesser stuff?

Thailand

* * *

To: [Thailand]  
From: [Vietnam]

Oh. Maybe if we cut a few of China's then it might get a bit shorter.

Vietnam

* * *

To: [Vietnam]  
From: [Thailand]

Hm, I guess. "Jerkiness," "Egomania," "Assumed Absolute Superiority Due to Advanced Age," and "Aura as a Whole" stay, though. I like those. And I'd like to keep everything on Britain's and France's, even though they're really long, too.  
Thailand

* * *

To: [Thailand]  
From: [Vietnam]

Yes. Of course, and now that I think about it, add "Lack of Knowledge of the Concept of Lining Up," to China's, as well.  
Chinese tourists. Unbearable.

Vietnam

* * *

To: [Vietnam]  
From: [Thailand]  
Okay! And don't forget to smile since it's a new year coming! :)  
Thailand

* * *

_France's new status message is: And... now my house is on fire. DAMN YOU, ANGLETERRE. Your name is an insult in itself. I'll have to stay at Spain's house or Germany's now. DAMN YOU. I DON'T LIKE FIRE._

* * *

To: [Macau]  
From: [Hong Kong]

How interesting. China gave us all red envelopes even though we're far from being children now.

Hong Kong

* * *

To: [Hong Kong]  
From: [Macau]

I know, but I said thank you anyway. At least I got some money, or something. Disregarding the fact that it was a rather stingy amount, of course. Taiwan didn't even talk to any of us but Vietnam. I think she's getting a bit odd.

Macau

* * *

To: [Macau]  
From: [Hong Kong]

I did too. Money's good, even if it's just a bit. Yeah, I think Taiwan might be, like, sulking or something. Whatever, though, she can handle herself.  
Let's go, like, put on a lot of loud fireworks to make Teacher get out of that study, shall we?

Hong Kong

* * *

**I had this awesome dream a few days ago. It started out as me in HetaOni and then it morphed into Star Wars, where I was a Jedi, and then it turned back into HetaOni, where I killed Steve with a lightsaber. That was fun. I killed him like Kirito killed Oberon in Alfheim.**  
**In the face.**  
**What am I doing.**  
**Review! And once again, Happy Lunar New Year to those who celebrate it!**  
**I will now go watch fireworks**.


	47. Part 46: Valentine's Day

**Fullmetal Alchemist.**  
**Yes, a fragment.**

* * *

To: Francis Bonnefoy  
From: Arthur Kirkland

HA! Frog, this is what you get for all of that blasted Valentine's day spam you've sent me in the past three days! And I hear you actually fell for it, too! It seems as if you're the only bloody moron in the world who would actually open a 'box of chocolates' from their worst enemy on Valentine's Day! Haha! I myself really couldn't quite believe that you'd actually opened it when I first heard.  
Frog.

ENGLAND

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Francis Bonnefoy

But you actually sent me something for Valentine's Day this year~! I thought it was rather sweet of you, mon cher!

~France

* * *

To: Francis Bonnefoy  
From: Arthur Kirkland

SHUT UP! IT WAS A POISON DART LAUNCHER!

* * *

_Switzerland's new status message is: That bastard England dared to make false Swiss chocolates. I shall destroy him._

* * *

To: Ludwig  
From: The Awesome Gilbert Beilschmidt

Dear West!  
Oh, this is good.  
The awesome me was just spying on the piano playing bastard and that pan creep for Valentine's Day. THE WHOLE THING WAS AWESOME! ! Not saying I like romance, of course!  
Anyway, on with the story, he got her a box of expensive chocolates and she got him the same thing, and so the two of them were like "Oh wow! This is so awesome!" to each other (even though they're the two most un-awesome people in the universe, next to that Russian devil). And so they exchanged the two identical boxes and they were all happy and such.  
But when they opened them the face of the awesome me jumped out and hit both their stupid faces!  
YAHAHA! Awesome or what?

ICH BIN GENIAL!  
PRUSSIA

* * *

To: The Awesome Gilbert Beilschmidt  
From: Ludwig

Dear brother,  
I'm sighing.  
Look out for Switzerland if you happened to imitate his chocolates in the box design. He was carrying around a heavy machine gun the last time I saw him.

Germany

* * *

To: Ludwig  
From: The Awesome Gilbert Beilschmidt

Is that so.

ICH BIN GENIAL!  
PRUSSIA

* * *

_TheAwesomePrussia's new status message is: I'm not a country anymore so you can't destroy me by annihilating my land, ha! Switzy!_

* * *

To: Francis Bonnefoy  
From: Arthur Kirkland

But honestly, and you said I was the mindless one.

England

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Francis Bonnefoy

THAT WAS WHEN YOU BURNED HER, DAMMIT! YOU FOUL SAVAGE! NEVER SPEAK OF THAT! EVER! AGH! MY POOR HEART!

FRANCE

* * *

To: Francis Bonnefoy  
From: Arthur Kirkland

You mean that time when I gave that bloody witch hag what's-her-name? — Joan of Arc — a biased trial and had her burned at stake as a result?

England

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Francis Bonnefoy

AsdfhJKLhghlgsasgΔ©!ASD

* * *

To: [England's boss]  
From: [France's boss]

See! And you're the one who keeps yelling at me for not making France try harder to recover our economy. Your nation is the reason why France locks himself in his room for days on end and refuses to do any work. Stop blaming me.

France's boss

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: [England's boss]

England!  
Stop gloating about Joan of Arc!

_Sincerely_,  
Your _boss_

* * *

To: [England's boss]  
From: Arthur Kirkland

Why? It pisses off France and makes his economy weaker since he doesn't do anything to help it.

England

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: [England's boss]

Oh. I see.  
... But something tells me that that wasn't your real reason.

Your boss

* * *

To: [England's boss]  
From: Arthur Kirkland

DO NOT DOUBT THE CUNNING OF THE BRITISH EMPIRE!

- The British Empire

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: [England's boss]

Do not abuse the caps lock key.

- Your Boss

* * *

To: [England's boss]  
From: Arthur Kirkland

Do not allow my previous letter to remain in your memory.

England

* * *

_Russia's new status message is: Siberia._

* * *

To: Katyusha Braginskaya  
From: Natalya Arlovskaya

WHAT! BROTHER IS IN SIBERIA? ! WHY DIDN'T ANYONE TELL ME? ! HOW WILL I GIVE HIM HIS VALENTINE THEN? ! IT WAS MADE WITH MY HEART! LITERALLY! DID YOU KNOW HE'D LEFT? ! I'LL KILL YOU! BUT FIRST I MUST GO TO SEE BIG BROTHER. AFTER THAT YOU SHALL BE FLAYED IF YOU KNEW.

BELARUS

* * *

_Ukraine's new status message is: I didn't know, Belarus! I know, I'm a terrible older sister. I'll go see him, too, if I can get tickets._

* * *

To: Feliks Łukasiewicz  
From: Toris Laurinaitis

Dear Poland,  
I can't find Belarus! Have you seen her? I was going to give her this box of genuine Swiss chocolates and ask her too be my Valentine, but she's not in her house or anywhere near it...

Lithuania

* * *

To: Toris Laurinaitis  
From: Feliks Łukasiewicz

She like went to Siberia to find Russia, who's apparently like hiding there.  
Like, take my advice, though, Liet, eat the chocolates yourself.

Poland

* * *

To: Feliks Łukasiewicz  
From: Toris Laurinaitis

But I can afford an express ticket to Siberia, I'm a country, after all. It's alright. I'm just worried about her, I mean Belarus, Siberia's a cruel place...

Lithuania

* * *

To: Toris Laurinaitis  
From: Feliks Łukasiewicz

She like broke all your fingers! SHE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE YOU, LIET!

Poland

* * *

_Lithuania's new status message is: Siberia... is cold._

* * *

To: Ivan Braginski  
From: Yao Wang

What... are you doing... in my yard.  
Get OUT! AND WHAT DID YOU DO TO PANDA?

China

* * *

To: Yao Wang  
From: Ivan Braginski

I'm hiding from my little sister Belarus. She wants to marry me. It's really scary. You have better food than the others who live near me so I came here! :)  
Oh, and I'm in the panda! That's how I got in, silly! It probably just looks different since I took the head off after I came in. It was really annoying as a hat.

Russia

* * *

To: Ivan Braginski  
From: Yao Wang

YOU SKINNED PANDA? !

* * *

To: Ivan Braginski  
From: [Mongolia]

Explain your presence.

- Mongolia

* * *

To: [Mongolia]  
From: Ivan Braginski

Oh, China threw me out after I killed his panda! So I'm staying here instead, to hide from Belarus.

Russia

* * *

To: Ivan Braginski

From: [Mongolia]

I see.

* * *

**My sense of punctuality is nonexistent.**

**I never remember Valentine's Day.**

**Huh.**

**Comment?**

* * *

[Mongolia's diary]

How do I get him to _leave_?


	48. Part 47: When the Kitchens Die

**FINAL FANTASY VI FINAL FANTASY VI FINAL FANTASY VI FINAL FANTASY VI FINAL FANTASY VI FINAL FANTASY VI FINAL FANTASY VI FINAL FANTASY VI AAAAAAAH.**

**And that, my friends, is the reason for my unreasonably long absence.**

**Thank you all, for staying with me the whole time.**

**(Chainsaw!)**

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Arthur Kirkland

You _chainsawed_ my kitchen in half! YOU BLOODY _BASTARD_!

England

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
from: Alfred F. Jones

Eh? Wait, I'm at McDonalds. I'll reply when I get home, cool?

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Arthur Kirkland

You _broke_ into my house while I was out and bloody _CHAINSAWED_ my kitchen in half!

England

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Alfred F. Jones

Awesome Big Mac was awesome.

Uh, see here, Reasons For Why I Sliced Your Kitchen/Hellhole in half:

1) There was a weird smell coming from there.  
2) The smell was pissing me off.  
3) The number of Union Flags in there was pissing me off, too, just like the number of flags in your whole house. Seriously, on the apron, too? !  
4) Since my bathroom was getting fixed and _your_ bathroom smelled like... your kitchen, I couldn't even _take_ a piss when I needed to while I was being pissed off by the smell and your flags, so I got even more pissed off at your kitchen.  
5) There was a chainsaw in my garage.  
6) I'm a hero, remember? I'm supposed to save people from danger.  
and  
7) That kitchen was a toxic materials factory.

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Arthur Kirkland

_Are you _perhaps_ suggesting that my kitchen was an antagonist in your _"hero"_ story?_

England

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Alfred F. Jones

Yes. And your food.

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Arthur Kirkland

Fine then.

England

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Alfred F Jones

What?

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From:Arthur Kirkland

Fine. Then.

England

* * *

_Belgium's new status message is: Brother managed to last three days without a cigarette! Keep it up, Netherlands!_

* * *

To: Francis Bonnefoy  
From: Alfred F. Jones

Whoah, Frog, this is an incredible turning point in the history of the United Kingdom. Britain let me off the hook for once! I went and sawed his kitchen in half yesterday since it was seriously annoying me and you know what? He raged for a bit and then just said, "fine then" and stopped screaming at me in every way. I mean, last time I called him "Iggy," he tried to kill me, but this time he just takes it without any real violent fit. AWESOME! Now I can raid his refrigerator without a fear! I used to be afraid that he'd murder me in my sleep if he caught me.

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Francis Bonnefoy

WHAT? HE DID THAT!

Oh, ohonhon. I see, you're playing a trick on me. Hoodlum.  
I'm not so stupid as to fall for it and do something similar. Unlike you I don't _try_ to get myself killed.

~France

* * *

_Italy's new status message is: Broke!_

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Francis Bonnefoy

OH GOD OH HOLY GOD! I SAW! THAT IS MAD! THE KITCHEN! YOU WERE TELLING THE TRUTH!  
INCREDIBLE! THE TIME FOR REVENGE FOR JEANNE HAS COME!

~ FRANCE

* * *

To: Francis Bonnefoy and Alfred F. Jones  
From: Yao Wang

OPIUM'S GONE MILD?

China

* * *

To: Yao Wang  
From: Alfred F. Jones

Ahem. "P-R-I-V-A-C-Y."

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

_England's new status message is: World Conference._

* * *

**[TRANSCRIPT]**  
**GERMANY:** Alright ―  
**AMERICA:** Hey hey hey! I wanna start the meeting this time! You always do it.  
**GERMANY:** Fine.  
**AMERICA:** OKAY! Hey everyone! Let's get this party― meeting started! First, I want to discuss the issue of global warming. I think ―  
**CHINA:** Not this again! Raise another topic. We've heard your thoughts on this too many times.  
**AMERICA:** Oh, really? So many times that you can recite it?  
**CHINA:** "I think we'll be okay if we genetically engineer a huge hero —"  
**AMERICA:** Psh. Stupid Asians. Memorize everything. Fine. Anyone got any other topics?  
**BRITAIN:** [Stands] I do.  
**AMERICA:** Okay!  
**BRITAIN:** [Suddenly jabs a finger at America] I declare war on you!  
**AMERICA:** WHAT? !  
**CHINA:** So that's what you were planning!  
**GERMANY:** ARE YOU MAD? !  
**RUSSIA:** Eh?  
**JAPAN:** I agree with America! WHAT? !  
**FRANCE:** BRITAIN'S GONE PIRATE AGAIN!  
**BRITAIN:** [Points at France] And you, too!  
**FRANCE:** MOI? I thought we had a temporary ceasefire! What did I do?  
**BRITAIN:** You burned my house.  
**FRANCE:** Hey! You burned Jeanne!  
**BRITAIN:** More than five centuries ago!  
**FRANCE:** BUT YOU BURNED JEANNE!  
**BRITAIN:** FIVE CENTURIES AGO!  
**FRANCE:** _BUT YOU BURNED JEANNE!_  
**GERMANY:** Shut up, you two.  
**CHINA:** Hey! I want to declare war on both of you!  
**GERMAN:** [To China] Please shut up, will you!  
**ITALY:** Huh? Hey! [Points at the door] America's gone!  
[Britain and France freeze]  
**BRITAIN:** What? ! I just declared a bloody war on him and he just _leaves_? !  
**FRANCE:** That's not fair! He was supposed to be my ally!  
**BRITAIN:** That coward!  
**FRANCE:** I hate all of you!  
[Britain and France spontaneously start fighting again]  
**LIECHTENSTEIN:** Are you going to stop them, big brother?  
**SWITZERLAND:** No. I'm neutral in war affairs.  
[America bursts back into the room]  
**AMERICA:** WOOHOO, GUYS! I win the war!  
**BRITAIN:** We haven't even started fighting yet and you're already saying you win? ! Talk about egomania.  
**GERMANY:** No weapons in the conference room except Switzerland's gun! That includes chainsaws, America!  
**AMERICA:** [Ignores Germany] Yeah! I _did_ win! While you were fighting it out with France again I went and cut Whitehall in half!  
**BRITAIN:** … WHAT?  
**CHINA:** Hey, Opium.  
**AMERIC:** Yeah! See? [Brandishes chainsaw]  
**GERMANY:** AMERICA!  
**BRITAIN:** You git. Like _hell_ you did! You weren't even gone long enough to do half of that.  
**CHINA:** Opium.  
**AMERICA.** No, really! I did!  
**BRITAIN:** Prove it.  
**CHINA:** OPIUM!  
**BRITAIN:** [Turns on China] WHAT!  
**CHINA:** You've got a text.  
**BRITAIN:** [Mutters something, takes out phone]

* * *

[Text]

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: [Britain's boss]

Get over here right now! This is bad! Some lunatic with a chainsaw went and cut half the buildings on Whitehall in two!

- Your boss

* * *

_Switzerland's status message is: Conference. A very amusing one._

* * *

To: [Everyone]  
From: Alfred F. Jones

Yo everyone! I won the war! Let's discuss the terms! Can I have all of Britain's overseas territories? That'd be cool! :D

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: [Everyone]  
From: Arthur Kirkland

No, he cannot.

England

* * *

To: [Everyone]  
From: Alfred F. Jones

Hey, _I_ won! Let's have a conference. France says he wants some of the territories, too, Britain (even though he didn't do anything, psh).

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Ludwig

You know, I actually rather agree with America on this. You _did_ lose and you nearly started another World War. What about another thing like the Treaty of Versailles, then? _That _wasn't too _harsh_, I'm sure you'll agree.

Best,  
Germany

* * *

_France's new status message is: Ohonhonhon!~ The pirate lost!_

* * *

To: [America's Boss]  
From: Alfred F. Jones

WHAT!

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Francis Bonnefoy  
From: Alfred F. Jones

What! My boss says that we should just forget about this war and recall all claims! Apparently the talk of a war might_ tempt North Korea or China and Japan_ into getting all aggressive or something (fat chance), blah, blah, blah.  
Aren't Asians supposed to be smart? Like they'd do that!  
Stupid boss!

- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Francis Bonnefoy

What war?

~ France

* * *

[America's diery (crossed out, replaced with "diary")]

_Stupid! Even France has been corrupted! Since when did France listen to people?_

_- AMERICA THE ANNOYED HERO!_

_On second thought: that coward! He just doesn't want top have to fight anybody or something, doesn't he? He sucks! _

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Arthur Kirkland

Haha.

England

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Alfred F. Jones

You just had to be the only one who "remembers."

- AMERICA THE _REALLY_ TICKED OFF HERO!

* * *

**1200 + words of random nonsense. **  
**There, I admitted it, so please don't react to it like everyone reacted to the fourth movies of Pirates of the Caribbean and Indiana Jones, taip?**  
**Blame Edgar Figaro and his chainsaw. So bloody awesome, it is. As awesome as Yoda's Force powers, it is. **  
**...**

**A is for Assassin**  
**B is for Blitz**  
**C is for Chainsaw**  
**D is for Damn-it-all-Setzer-why-do-you-gamble-why-can't-I-just **  
**get-the-awesome-attacks-every time?**

**There, my four favourites in four letters.**


	49. Note You Must Read or be Exterminated

So.

I'm back.

Kind of.

Nope, no new chapter, apologies. I'm supposed to be studying for my midterms right now but I figured I may as well tell you all this:

1) I've got midterms. And an essay. Crud. And I get to go to Australia if I get good on my exams. Damn pressure! (But I'm happy to see that people still read and liked this story even during my hiatus, thanks!)

2) Cue rapid drum roll: SO WHITLINGER AND I ARE MAKING A HETALIA RPG CALLED SEVEN FACES OF GOD (SEVENTALIA). And we're nearly done with the first chapter (at least Whitlinger is with the programming — I'm procrastinating with the art). Anyhow, it's based off of Anna Whitlinger's story, The Game of Seven (read it, it's good).

We've got a YouTube channel for it: SeventaliaOfficial, although it's currently empty. I'm also going to post an art preview thing on my own channel sometime: TheElixirintheClock.

Oh, and my deviant art, too: Geirdriful.

Oh, and if you just came here to find out about Correspondence and/or its Great War counterpart, here you go: a) the next chapter of Correspondence is about North Korea.

b) Great War's on hiatus... After one chapter... yeah. Correspondence is easier.

ANY IDEAS OR ENCOURAGEMENT REGARDING THE LAST TWO SHALL BE VALUED AT THE HIGHEST LEVEL AS I AM DEPRESSED.

Stupid math.

- Geirdriful

Postscript: Somehow, looking back, I feel as if I sounded a bit insane in the above...


End file.
